Icantbreathe

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, I actually thought “even he would know better”. Now I just don’t know how to talk to him anymore. He’ll NEVER understand! The fact that he actually thinks bringing his girlfriend (that he met a few months after my mother passed!) to us spreading her ashes is okay - I can’t even look at him!
Bringing her to our first holidays; the year it happened AND without actually talking to us first; was hard enough and no matter how much I try to explain it, he just doesn’t see a problem. I know we’ve never had a good relationship. My mother always handled the emotional stuff, but I actually thought that after she passed that maybe he would be forced to work on things with his kids but clearly that’s not what he wants. He spends all of his time with her. I live in his house, but he doesn’t. Since covid picked up, he’s been living at her place! #Icantbreathe #imdone #griefjourney #motherlessdaughters

I slept for almost 13 hours. Woke up. Don’t care. Just want to go back to sleep. At least when I’m there, there’s no anxiety of having to possibly answer the phone when it rings or having to see who is knocking at the door. I don’t want to be alone. But I can’t handle being around people. Everything around me feels like a cage. But I feel safe here. Want freedom from the pain, from the worry, from the constant agonizing voices in my head telling me I can’t do it, so why bother trying? I’ve ruined the best thing I had in life.. lost my love of 13 years to my own neediness of attention and fear of being alone... thought his attention wasn’t enough... now I know, it was more than enough. But that doesn’t matter now, it’s too late.. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Daysaretoomuch #Icantbreathe #Lupus