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I never thought I could be this angry!

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, I actually thought “even he would know better”. Now I just don’t know how to talk to him anymore. He’ll NEVER understand! The fact that he actually thinks bringing his girlfriend (that he met a few months after my mother passed!) to us spreading her ashes is okay - I can’t even look at him!
Bringing her to our first holidays; the year it happened AND without actually talking to us first; was hard enough and no matter how much I try to explain it, he just doesn’t see a problem. I know we’ve never had a good relationship. My mother always handled the emotional stuff, but I actually thought that after she passed that maybe he would be forced to work on things with his kids but clearly that’s not what he wants. He spends all of his time with her. I live in his house, but he doesn’t. Since covid picked up, he’s been living at her place! #Icantbreathe #imdone #griefjourney #motherlessdaughters


Rambling About My Mother

My mother tells me she loves me, but is it the truth?
My mother hasn't seen me in two years.
My mother only calls me when she wants a shoulder to cry on.
My mother says "if you're still speaking to me, maybe I did ok at being a mother."
My mother abandoned me.
My mother abused me.
My mother turned a blind eye to warnings from family members about leaving me alone with her step father.
I once told my mother her husband used to beat me.
She said "I kind of thought so."
She was there.
She participated in the beatings.
Anything I tell her it is met with "I thought so."
So what happens when I tell her that her step father sexually abused me for more than 6 years right under her nose?
"You know, I thought so"?
You thought so?
So why did you do NOTHING ABOUT IT.
I can't handle hearing those words come out of her mouth. Not about that.
I understand parents are people too. I understand my mother has trauma in her own life.
My mother was abused.
My mother was raped.
My mother has an eating disorder.
My mother has had it tough.
The difference between us is I will not sit comfortably in abusive situations.
My mother is at home there.
My mother isn't a mother.
My mother is a broken child who finds comfort in being controlled by a man who does not love her.
I raised myself while my mother was swallowed whole by a man who beat her near death.
If I ever told my mother what she did to me, it would break her.
I can't do that to my mother.
She is my mother.
Even if it would help me to heal, she's my mother.
My psychiatrist says I'm protecting her by doing this.
My psychiatrist says she is a perpetrator, why are you protecting her?
She's my mother.
I love my mother but I do not like her.
I do not want to become her.
I miss her though.
#rambling #Abuse #CPTSD #Bipolar2Disorder #motherlessdaughters


This won’t go back to normal, if it ever was.

How can someone you knew your whole life, who gave you life, and shaped you into the woman you are be reduced to a t-shirt that’s been laying on your dresser because you just can’t decide what to do with it?
How come you feel guilty every now and then when you realize that it’s been a while since you’ve had those gut wrenching sobs?
How come you feel guilty knowing that the world has started to move on, but you’re stuck in that purgatory of trying to figure out who you are again without her?
#grief #Loss #Healing #motherlessdaughters

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A New Year.

I looked out the window at the bright sun reflecting on the snow today. Its a new year, but I don’t feel like celebrating. Life has continued to go on around me, and still I feel like time is standing still. That when I call, you’ll answer. I’ll ask what are you doing, and you’ll say “Just resting here watching TV.” Instead I went to your grave the other day. I stood there in the wind, tidying up the flowers, putting in the pretty purple light, and waited. Waited to wake up from a bad dream, but unfortunately I am awake. We all are awake. I made breakfast and suddenly I thought about the “egg with a hole in it” you used to make. I absolutely loved everything you made for me. The one recipe I don’t have though is the “How do I live without my mom” recipe. You got a visit from your mom to let you know she was going to take care of you. How I wish I could get a visit like that from you. To know for sure that you are in a better place, that you got the biggest hug from your dad when you got there, and that you will watch over us, making sure we live the rest of our lives without regrets. It’s a new year, and another year I will have to figure out a new normal for myself, for dad, for everyone who loved you. I miss you mama. #Grief #motherlessdaughters #MissYouMom


I miss my mom #motherlessdaughters

My mom passed away in May. It's been six months this month and I'm still depressed and sad and even though I have good friends and my brother I am lonely because it was pretty much just us for 4 years and I just miss her. I think about my mom every day. The impending holidays are scary for me. I already have had two firsts without her. My 40th birthday and mothers day. Halloween was our favorite day to watch Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic. This whole thing is so hard.
Not to mention that my fibro and mental illnesses are both affected by this. #CheckInWithMe #Fibromyalgia #Depression #Loss