I cannot seem to come out of this depressive state. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’m exhausted all the time and am having bad thoughts. I’m on edge all of the time and I hate myself for not being a better mother to my son. I can’t seem to do anything right anymore. Work is beyond stressful, my health issues have been so bad, and I’m fighting doctor’s avoidances . I’m just done. I’m in a bad place and I don’t know how to climb out. #Depression #exhaustion #badheadspace #imdone
I'm not aloud to talk about my suicidal thoughts...
Everybody complains when I talk about how I feel and want to die or anything like that...they call me selfish for not considering them and rude...even saying bringing it up is manipulation..
But I get these strong feelings and I can't talk to anyone about them..my friends..my significant other..my parent..and I don't have any help at all
I just want to express my feelings and understand them better, I wanna die but I don't wanna die, you know? And it hurts so much when I realize that I'm feeling like this and then I can't talk to anyone about it because it makes me a bad person..I'm so sad and lonely and it hurts me even more to not be able to talk..
I just don't know what to do anymore, for the first time in a while I feel very scared of my own ideations and realizing that my plan becomes more and more concrete everytime this happens..I want help, I want to be able to talk about how I feel without hurting or invalidating others.. I want to be able to express the pain I feel inside and better understand...
I try, but it just gets worse everytime I talk about my suicide thoughts or ideas ..or I make them feel bad or I don't know. This is really hard and I don't know what to do honestly...because instead of talking about my feelings and crying it out I guess I accept my eventual fate and juste find the best ways to end it... Not being able to get help or be supported when I feel like this feels even shitier ..
I don't know if anyone is gonna read this or let alone understand..
I give up
I have put in my 2 weeks notice. No, I do not have another job lined up. Yes, I have bills to pay. No, I don’t care. #imdone
After being diagnosed with BPD in Nov-Dec I have been trying to get help it's like I don't deserve it I'm housebound cos of the anxiety hubby is in and out of hospital due to other conditions I can't see him anxiety trigger the mental health system up here is great NOT when I get into the system it's only for a month meds aren't working causing major problems I'm done yes I've tried hospitals# anxiety #BPD #Hadenough #imdone
I finally found the best way to fix everything I am going to give my ex wife full custody of our daughter I’m signing my rights over and I am going to permanently admit myself to the hospital where I can be doped up on so many medication that I sit and drooling staring into space so I don’t have to remember shit and at least that way I won’t sin either perfect way to not have to accept life anymore and be free from everything all I asked God for was my life back meaning a relationship with him a wife my own house and my son back he took from me seven years ago but I guess that’s to much to ask for so forget everything and everybody #imdone
I never thought I could be this angry!
I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, I actually thought “even he would know better”. Now I just don’t know how to talk to him anymore. He’ll NEVER understand! The fact that he actually thinks bringing his girlfriend (that he met a few months after my mother passed!) to us spreading her ashes is okay - I can’t even look at him!
Bringing her to our first holidays; the year it happened AND without actually talking to us first; was hard enough and no matter how much I try to explain it, he just doesn’t see a problem. I know we’ve never had a good relationship. My mother always handled the emotional stuff, but I actually thought that after she passed that maybe he would be forced to work on things with his kids but clearly that’s not what he wants. He spends all of his time with her. I live in his house, but he doesn’t. Since covid picked up, he’s been living at her place! #Icantbreathe #imdone #griefjourney #motherlessdaughters
I woke up this morning feeling anxious because of the things that I’ve experienced in the past few days (see the last two posts). Part of me doesn’t want to go to work so that I won’t have to feel like crap all over again. The other half of me wants is just so made that I want to cut him off without warning without care about how he feels about it. I really cared about the guy and I felt like he was better than the things he was dealing with and now I hate him. And I mean REALLY hate him. I don’t ever want to talk to or see him again, but as soon as those words pass my lips, he always shows up wanting to talk to me. At this point, I really don’t care anymore, most of the men who were or had importance in my life always leave. Sometimes for girls I can’t compete with. So my hands are up, I lose again. I’m going back to the hard shell to protect myself from this for a while because I can’t afford to be soft and vulnerable for the time being. I’m beginning to believe that there really is something about me that makes other people want to step on and over me. The good girl has now switched to the emotionally distance, no B.S., “I don’t need you in my life to function!” Type chick. I tend to be with way when I’m in a mood where I’ve literally had enough. I’ll get over it, but it will be a while before that happens. I’m about done with being nice, now for some hard ball. #MentalHealth #Depression #anger #Anxiety #imdone