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Am I wrong to go? #PTSD #MentalHealth #timeforme

I’ve been with my husband for 22 years, and we’ve been married 19. Since 2003, he’s been diagnosed with #PTSD as a result of things he saw when he was in the military. Her released in 2010, and told me he only wanted six month to relax and then he’d find his next path in life.
Fast forward 12 years to today. Our daughter is 14 and in high school. His father passed away in Oct 2019. In 2019 his counselor moved from weekly appointments to no-weekly. He’s slowly gotten worse: spending hours in bed watch tv or the iPad (and sometimes both), eating upstairs in bed (I’m currently working from home, and he says that’s why he’s upstairs so much), or sleeping. Constantly his excuse has been that he doesn’t get a good night sleep which is why he sleeps all day.

I “took care” of everything so that it would lessen the stress on him at the beginning of his #PTSD diagnosis. It kept going, even til now. It is my name on all the bills (except his credit cards). I’ve noticed he’s gotten really bad lately.

This past Christmas, he decided to ask our teenager to do something, then when they didn’t complete the task, he blew up at them. The look on their face made my heart break. He then texts me to “call me upstairs“. When I get up, he gives me back the wedding ring - tells me since they don’t respect them, we can live in the same house to share bills but he’s done being a parent. In his usual pattern (he’s told me he wanted a divorce about 18-24 times in 19 years) he talks himself to being back into the relationship.

Our poor teenager is just a mess. #Anxiety through the roof. #AnxietyAttack every night, so much that they are shaking their bed. Husband wonders why teenager doesn’t listen. He doesn’t talk, he yells. He’s made every excuse I can think of why they didn’t connect with our kid during different stages (that’s a whole different conversation). Our kid would rather wait for 90 minutes while I get a massage then spend time at home with their father.

About 6 weeks ago, husband had a #tempertantrum (it’s the only way to describe it), slamming down his smart phone and storming out to his vehicle. His phone made him mad as he was trying to manage songs, and the dealership was taking too long to confirm he could change he Jeep. Comes back an hour later, motions to me to come outside, and then asks why I didn’t follow him out and see if he was okay. I wouldn’t check up on a kid with a temper tantrum, why would I for an adult??

#imdone #weredone I have a new place. Teenager and I have slowly been moving stuff to storage locker since Easter. By no means do we have everything, as we’ve been moving it out in secret. I have friends willing to help us move. My mom (#motherslove ) is flying in to help with the move. As much as my teenager wants everything out of their room, I’m at the point where I’m done. Husband told me “he wouldn’t let us leave”. That put huge red flags up for me, that in his mind this is no longer a good relationship, as who would say they wouldn’t let you leave.

Sorry for the long rant. A lot more inside me, and I guess it needed to come out. Including a picture, as I liked the message. Might have to make it my new Home Screen.

1 comment

I’m lost

I cannot seem to come out of this depressive state. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’m exhausted all the time and am having bad thoughts. I’m on edge all of the time and I hate myself for not being a better mother to my son. I can’t seem to do anything right anymore. Work is beyond stressful, my health issues have been so bad, and I’m fighting doctor’s avoidances . I’m just done. I’m in a bad place and I don’t know how to climb out. #Depression #exhaustion #badheadspace #imdone


I'm not aloud to talk about my suicidal thoughts...

Everybody complains when I talk about how I feel and want to die or anything like that...they call me selfish for not considering them and rude...even saying bringing it up is manipulation..

But I get these strong feelings and I can't talk to anyone about significant parent..and I don't have any help at all

I just want to express my feelings and understand them better, I wanna die but I don't wanna die, you know? And it hurts so much when I realize that I'm feeling like this and then I can't talk to anyone about it because it makes me a bad person..I'm so sad and lonely and it hurts me even more to not be able to talk..

I just don't know what to do anymore, for the first time in a while I feel very scared of my own ideations and realizing that my plan becomes more and more concrete everytime this happens..I want help, I want to be able to talk about how I feel without hurting or invalidating others.. I want to be able to express the pain I feel inside and better understand...

I try, but it just gets worse everytime I talk about my suicide thoughts or ideas ..or I make them feel bad or I don't know. This is really hard and I don't know what to do honestly...because instead of talking about my feelings and crying it out I guess I accept my eventual fate and juste find the best ways to end it... Not being able to get help or be supported when I feel like this feels even shitier ..

I don't know if anyone is gonna read this or let alone understand..

#SuicidalThoughts #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #plan #imdone #Idontknowwhattodoanymore


I give up

I have put in my 2 weeks notice. No, I do not have another job lined up. Yes, I have bills to pay. No, I don’t care. #imdone


I'm done

After being diagnosed with BPD in Nov-Dec I have been trying to get help it's like I don't deserve it I'm housebound cos of the anxiety hubby is in and out of hospital due to other conditions I can't see him anxiety trigger the mental health system up here is great NOT when I get into the system it's only for a month meds aren't working causing major problems I'm done yes I've tried hospitals# anxiety #BPD #Hadenough #imdone


SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM FOUND #Christianity #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder

I finally found the best way to fix everything I am going to give my ex wife full custody of our daughter I’m signing my rights over and I am going to permanently admit myself to the hospital where I can be doped up on so many medication that I sit and drooling staring into space so I don’t have to remember shit and at least that way I won’t sin either perfect way to not have to accept life anymore and be free from everything all I asked God for was my life back meaning a relationship with him a wife my own house and my son back he took from me seven years ago but I guess that’s to much to ask for so forget everything and everybody #imdone


I never thought I could be this angry!

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, I actually thought “even he would know better”. Now I just don’t know how to talk to him anymore. He’ll NEVER understand! The fact that he actually thinks bringing his girlfriend (that he met a few months after my mother passed!) to us spreading her ashes is okay - I can’t even look at him!
Bringing her to our first holidays; the year it happened AND without actually talking to us first; was hard enough and no matter how much I try to explain it, he just doesn’t see a problem. I know we’ve never had a good relationship. My mother always handled the emotional stuff, but I actually thought that after she passed that maybe he would be forced to work on things with his kids but clearly that’s not what he wants. He spends all of his time with her. I live in his house, but he doesn’t. Since covid picked up, he’s been living at her place! #Icantbreathe #imdone #griefjourney #motherlessdaughters


Morning Anxiety

I woke up this morning feeling anxious because of the things that I’ve experienced in the past few days (see the last two posts). Part of me doesn’t want to go to work so that I won’t have to feel like crap all over again. The other half of me wants is just so made that I want to cut him off without warning without care about how he feels about it. I really cared about the guy and I felt like he was better than the things he was dealing with and now I hate him. And I mean REALLY hate him. I don’t ever want to talk to or see him again, but as soon as those words pass my lips, he always shows up wanting to talk to me. At this point, I really don’t care anymore, most of the men who were or had importance in my life always leave. Sometimes for girls I can’t compete with. So my hands are up, I lose again. I’m going back to the hard shell to protect myself from this for a while because I can’t afford to be soft and vulnerable for the time being. I’m beginning to believe that there really is something about me that makes other people want to step on and over me. The good girl has now switched to the emotionally distance, no B.S., “I don’t need you in my life to function!” Type chick. I tend to be with way when I’m in a mood where I’ve literally had enough. I’ll get over it, but it will be a while before that happens. I’m about done with being nice, now for some hard ball. #MentalHealth #Depression #anger #Anxiety #imdone