iwanttogohome

#CheckInWithMe
I’m currently at my in-laws’ house. it took 4+ hours to get here last night. I’ve had a constant migraine which nothing has helped relieve. I also have gastroparesis (I can’t digest food the same speed that I normally should-I have a lot of diet restrictions) and bc no one really knows about how this disease restricts me, traveling sucks. xmas dinner/any meal is hard, when I don’t have control of the menu. I end up super hungry when there are barely any options. I can’t live on cheese/cookies for 2 days.
I’m sorry to complain so much- I’m just tired, hungry, and in constant pain.
to make matters worse, we had to bring our dog with us bc we couldn’t find a friend to watch her, and my in-laws want her only outside, or kenneled inside, and I feel so guilty to coop her up like that. I feel like a bad dog mom. does that make any sense? I don’t know, I just hate doing that to her, when all she wants to do is cuddle and meet everyone. poor puppy. #imsorry #iwanttogohome

I tried to type this last night, but I think the dorminoct got the better of me...

Overall today (yesterday) was a good day. Best Friend woke me with coffee, groups were good.

Untill I got a voicenote from my son's teacher and I know he's ill. Sitting is a session and I can't listen. Sent her a msg which she did not read. Then messaged Hubby to phone and find out what's going on. We're not supposed to be using our phines in sessions. I hate feeling so helpless like a terrible Mom who's hands are tied and I can literally not do anything for my son. I hate sitting in here.

I'm sure my Psychologist and Psychiatrist spoke before my session with the Psychologist. To clarify, I had a session with my Psychiatrist at 10:30. He is concerned about going home and back to work...or was he just mirroring my fears. We are sheltered and kept busy in here.

Later when I saw my Psychologist we sort of talked about the exact same thing. I asked him if they talked, he said no but it is too much of a coincidence. I really like (hate) this guy, he draws things out without me realising and then I realise things I thought things that were dealt with were not dealt with at all. I am scared going back to work especially. The thought train runs away when the department is quiet... He also gave me an immense task to talk about hubby to.I was a bit hysterical about it but broke the ice last night and now we bith have time to gather thoughts and have a decent conversation when we're alone.

Needless to say after my session I was mad and sad and frustrated. I was building a playlist on my pc and the burst into tears. The poor lady sleeping next to me had the fright of her life by my ugly cry and called the nursing staff. They wanted to give me something to sleep (Why do they always want to numb it? I think they don't always know how to handle the situation.), I refused and the Sr and I had a good chat. All I really needed was some private space to let it out. We sleep in 4 bed wards here. And have NO privacy. Must say it gets to me...

Last night working on my playlist I must've forgotten to stop WinAmp and the music kept playing. I honestly didn't realise it till I got shat on from a dizzy height this morning! And the I got shat on again because I was supposedly late for my Robinol injection, which the Sr usually gives me in the room. Please tell me what your fucking expectations are then I will know. And if I was a troublemaker please shit all over me, but I am not and it was an honest mistake. The music was very soft to...but anyway.

Session 3 of ECT done. Feeling much better, just not sure if it is the treatment or change of environment. Great not having thoughts of or plan suicide everytime you head gets "quiet"...

No word on the medical aid yet either. Please keep your fingers crossed.

Enjoy your day folks
MJ

#BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #iwanttogohome #mentalhospital