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I'm sorry

I feel like I'm the only one in my family capable of saying "I'm sorry". I say "I'm sorry" too much, honestly, I know that and I'm working on it.. but I feel like most people I encounter, even outside of my family, are either too uncomfortable to say it or don't think of it. If I say I've been hurt by something, people either disappear or blame me for my hurt feelings (too sensitive
, or I'm making it up because they don't remember it [because I often address things later than in the moment which is something I need to work on], or I'm just being crazy).

I understand that a person can not be sorry for something.. but it does hurt when I go to someone and say "I felt hurt because of what you did" and it gets passed over or worse.

Am I toxic for searching for apologies or are they toxic for never saying any... I don't know to be honest.

#imsorry #apologies #toxicfamily #Depression #Family #Support #processing

Pic of items that make me feel better

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I was groomed.

When I was younger (16-19) I worked with someone and never understood that he was grooming me. Once I quit and moved away a friend helped me understand what happened. I opened up to this friend. He listened and gave advice. However what I didn’t realize for 3 months was that he was doing the same thing but in a little different way.

These guys played with my emotions. One of them fantasized abkht cheating on his wife and wanted me to send photos. I got uncomfortable and afraid. I drew the line and blocked all contact. It’s been a lot better since I stopped talking to him. The other guy who I thought was my friend and helped me through the first incident, wanted more. I enjoyed feeling turned on with his words but I never wanted him to touch me for real.

My mental health went to an all time low. For weeks the depression worsened. Another friend advocated for me. She was there for me 24h a day every day. She actually cared for me like no one I’d ever talked to. She was the one who helped me through these experiences. Eventually, she convinced me and he was blocked on social media too. Still I’ve never blocked his cell number. And occasionally I get messages. I got one prior to my birthday. On my birthday. Valentine’s Day. And he still wants me.

I want to not be afraid to be around him. I don’t want to be triggered by these pop up messages. I can’t get rid of him completely because he’s a friend of the family. That makes it worse. He’ll never be really gone.

I hated myself for not paying attention when they were grooming me. I never had a S. O. I thought that they liked me. Well they did, however it wasn’t what I thought.

I’ve beat myself up so much over the last year. I still feel that everything that happened is my fault. It’s not... but I can’t stop feeling like I’m a bother to people and that it would be better if I weren’t there.

I don’t know what I want to come out of writing this. If you made it this far- thanks for my rambling.

#grooming #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #tired #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #imsorry #hopeless #Myfault #IntrusiveThoughts


I hate myself😭😭

I have #PTSD and it causes me to (out of panic) exaggerate. I have previously said that I was 19. I am not. I was born October 5th of 2004. I apologize, to so many of you who have been brought to think differently. I was sexually abused, therefore I constantly feel as if I need to seem older so that pedophiles won't find me attractive. I do these things subconsciously. A friend had looked at my profile and saw that I had the incorrect age. We then sat down with my psychologist and therapist...we decided that I needed to be open on here, and apologize for my actions. I am so sorry, and I hate myself for what I have done. Again, I am so sorry😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#Anxiety #Depression #ifeelhorrible #imsorry


A trail of dead bodies where my good intentions are supposed to be.

I shut down and shut everyone out when I get anxious, depressed and manic. After months of avoiding everyone I know I'm finally feeling friendly again. I've been apologizing to friends for ghosting on them with no warning. They seem to understand but I low key know some are offended. I just can't drag my friends into the brutal worlds I enter when in a bipolar episode. I try to protect them and I just end up hurting feelings. I have a really hard time reaching out for help because I feel like my bipolar disorder isn't accepted. I always feel guilty about how I cope.

#BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #dualdiagnosis # friendships #Family #iwishtheyunderstood #mental health # rejected if i dont act right#bipolarepisodes #Depression #Anxiety #Sadness #enduring #imsorry #extremeguilt #im horrible at Relationships


Feeling alone in a room full of people

It’s been a little over half a decade since I started this journey. Right before my 21st birthday. I live with many limitations, pacing back and forth just hoping for a miracle. It sucks, having chronic pain and having no clue how to help yourself. Everyone over simplifies, but what can’t they do or say? How can anyone understand this, how miserable I am when I’m not out smiling, how much I want to give up, how emotionally and physically draining this is. I know it gets tiring for others to hear about it every single day. It’s lonely, because nobody around me understands
I’m sorry, to everyone I ever snapped at, pushed alway and locked out, I’m not the me I used to be
#ChronicPain #imsorry


Living With a Stitched Up Mouth

In the last few days, I've been feeling a wide range of emotions. Mainly because of my pushing people away. As much as I want to approach some that I've pushed away and apologize for my distant behavior, but I feel like the damage is beyond repair. I even feel like I should just give it all up. I unwittingly projected my fear of abandonment and other issues onto others and now I believe that I don't deserve forgiveness. Maybe it is better that I've been left behind and not expect anything more. #FearOfAbandonment #imsorry #Emotions #Sadness #aloneinlife #Pushingaway #Fear #silence #aloneinmymind


What I've Done Out of Fear

I felt a kind of emptiness this morning, but it's a different kind of emptiness. I began to really miss someone whom I've pushed away because of my fear of them leaving me. I didn't mean to be that way, I didn't mean to be distant from them, I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I want to talk to them, but I can't bring myself to do it. Whenever I do see them, I feel like their eyes are on me as if they want me to look back at them. I know and feel that I can be frustrating to deal with, I don't have an awareness of how people feel about me a lot of the time, and even though I care about the people in my life, I can't bring myself to say it. I truly feel awful about all of this. All because of my perceived fear of being left behind. #MentalHealth #Fear #FearOfAbandonment #abandonmentissues #abandonment #imsorry #Emptiness #Sorry


Traveling Sucks #Migraine #Gastroparesis

I’m currently at my in-laws’ house. it took 4+ hours to get here last night. I’ve had a constant migraine which nothing has helped relieve. I also have gastroparesis (I can’t digest food the same speed that I normally should-I have a lot of diet restrictions) and bc no one really knows about how this disease restricts me, traveling sucks. xmas dinner/any meal is hard, when I don’t have control of the menu. I end up super hungry when there are barely any options. I can’t live on cheese/cookies for 2 days.
I’m sorry to complain so much- I’m just tired, hungry, and in constant pain.
to make matters worse, we had to bring our dog with us bc we couldn’t find a friend to watch her, and my in-laws want her only outside, or kenneled inside, and I feel so guilty to coop her up like that. I feel like a bad dog mom. does that make any sense? I don’t know, I just hate doing that to her, when all she wants to do is cuddle and meet everyone. poor puppy. #imsorry #iwanttogohome


it’s 11:49pm and I’m currently struggling like mad not to do anything stupid. it’s like I’m losing the battle and I don’t want to fight anymore. #Depression #done #imsorry #Letmego