Self-doubt, the way to be single and alone
I see people in this world that perhaps would enjoy my company and companionship and yet I cannot get over self-doubt and my trust issues to let them know how I feel.
Bullies have always told me I am a loser and nobody wants to be friends with me. But I cannot see them as bullies until it is too late.
The very few times I have tried to open up I end up finding the person that wants help paying bills or a place to stay or just wants me to help them with a project (like fixing a car or other household chores). I WAS always glad to lend a hand. Not anymore.
I always find out I have picked the wrong person.
My calls go to voicemail.
My texts go unanswered.
If I run into someone in the grocery store, I get the uncomfortable "I have to run but we should catch up, I'll text you my new number"
If there is something I have been put on this earth to do, it is simple.
I am the example of the lonely guy, depressed and just waiting to die.
The example of the guy, that continues his hobbies and living out of habit. The joyless guy.
The example of the guy, that sees a nice face and tells himself "there is no way they'd be interested in me." And stuffs his disappointed feelings into anger for another day.
The example of someone with zero self esteem and most likely to never understand what a good sense of self-esteem and self-worth could feel like.
Alone and lonely.