He moved on as if I never existed while I am barely functional. My biggest regret: becoming just one more notch on his bedpost. #Shame #regret #Used #discarded #TakenAdvantageOf #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
I see people in this world that perhaps would enjoy my company and companionship and yet I cannot get over self-doubt and my trust issues to let them know how I feel.
Bullies have always told me I am a loser and nobody wants to be friends with me. But I cannot see them as bullies until it is too late.
The very few times I have tried to open up I end up finding the person that wants help paying bills or a place to stay or just wants me to help them with a project (like fixing a car or other household chores). I WAS always glad to lend a hand. Not anymore.
I always find out I have picked the wrong person.
My calls go to voicemail.
My texts go unanswered.
If I run into someone in the grocery store, I get the uncomfortable "I have to run but we should catch up, I'll text you my new number"
If there is something I have been put on this earth to do, it is simple.
I am the example of the lonely guy, depressed and just waiting to die.
The example of the guy, that continues his hobbies and living out of habit. The joyless guy.
The example of the guy, that sees a nice face and tells himself "there is no way they'd be interested in me." And stuffs his disappointed feelings into anger for another day.
The example of someone with zero self esteem and most likely to never understand what a good sense of self-esteem and self-worth could feel like.
Alone and lonely.
I just spent 6 hours at the hospital with a friend who was struggling after a panic attack and after $20 parking fees, snacks for us while we waited plus gas money....I got home I asked myself,
Why the fuck do I help everyone else when they struggle but no one helps me?
Why am I the "mum"?
Why am I the responsible one?
Why cant I be the one in hospital getting someone else to hold me up and pull me through?
Why do I care about so many people who dont care about me?
Why cant someone else hunt for a fucking vending machine cause I want a cookie?
Why cant I have a support person to help me explain when I'm so anxious I cant put words together??
Why do I let these people take advantage of my friendship?
Do you ever just feel really used and alone? After a series of events a year ago I grew apart from my friends, and though the dust settled and we were on good terms again, I noticed that I distanced myself from them a lot afterwards. I don’t intend to try to get closer to them again, and that’s because I know I’ll get hurt again. I’m ok with being distant, it’s a lot less stress to keep up with so many friendships. I’m always there for them if they need me, and they know that... but they don’t text me. They don’t invite me to things anymore. When I invite them to things, they often don’t want to go out of their way to do those things. That’s alright, I suppose, I have sort of alienated myself so I can’t blame them.. it just makes me feel incredibly lonely.
I have a boyfriend of 10 months who I’m very close to. I love him very much, but the last few days it feels like he’s been very agitated with me. I live with him and while he was at work the last couple days (I had the days off from my job, as I work part-time at the moment) I helped his family cook, clean, and babysat his younger sisters, as they’re going through a hard time right now. I also have been cleaning my boyfriend’s room, doing his laundry, etc. Normally, he’s very appreciative and sweet to me, and that makes me happy to do it for him... but the last two or three days he’s just been agitated, somewhat pressuring me to do certain things with him, and not really wanting to be around me. I get it, tonight he had already had plans to play video games with his friends online via discord, but I can’t help but feel rejected, unnoticed, and used.
He’s a good guy, don’t get me wrong, the best man I’ve ever met. It’s just that sometimes he can be a little oblivious. I sat down a little while ago and explained how I felt and why I felt that way and he apologized, but it was very curt. It didn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know what he could do to make me feel better anyway, so I don’t know why I’m upset with his apology.
Anyway, the point is I feel very alone today and the last few days, and it sucks. My boyfriend is all I have (I’m not very close to my family) and when I’m not on the greatest of terms with him I’m reminded that I have no friends or family to turn to and my heart aches... but I feel safer without them anyway.
Can anyone relate? Any words of consolation? Tbh even just hearing a “I hear you” would be comforting right now.
I have done the right thing my entire life to this point, have sacrificed for others, invested in God and family, and have worked my ass off in work and school. I've been manipulated, lied to, abused, ignored, and walked on in the name of family and doing God's will. My greatest strength and the source of so much of my pain is that I give a darn whether or not people give a darn about me. I feel others' pain though I have plenty of my own. Despite the constant barrage of crap I have always managed to keep it together, but though I never want to admit it, not even to myself, life has dealt me the hand of chronic pain and fatigue to accompany my social anxiety and I cannot win. I have invested in others and left nothing for myself only to find myself isolated and having only my wife to understand what hell I bare. I have worked faithfully, studied hard, made the hard decisions and find myself without energy, with little comfort, financially lethargic, and altogether worn of doing good. People suck. Family sucks. Life sucks. I just hope it won't always be that way but I'm losing hope-- clinging on only wife and child for purpose and help.
Then I start feeling better and continue on with things— making the best of it. Hope like blessing comes with responsibility which both makes the load of life heavier yet lighter at the same time.