I am so overwhelmed today with my current life situation...i am also hyper aware of my mental health...and its all debilitating. I am in a freeze state today after some news this morning. All i can do is sit on mt bed and try to remain existing and present today.
I don't want to move.
I dont want to talk.
I dont want to eat.
I dont want to think.
I dont want to feel.
Dead. But with a heartbeat.
When will this type of suffering end?
Its like " locked in syndrome" during surgery. You can't move. But you feel everything.
I cant even try to do art today. And i know that getting in my head about it isnt going to help. I am not able to leave my room.
I have coping skills but not able to use them at the moment. The only safe thing that feels okay is sitting in bed. Listening to soft instrumental music and dissociating. Or sleeping.
I feel like a burden to everyone. I know im not. But it feels like it.
I wish i could physically cry and release.
Massive prolonged trauma took that ability away.
Im afraid i wont ever be happy.
I texted a crisis line last night knowing they arent very helpful for me anymore, i am not trying to be ungrateful, just that i have a background in psychology and have had alot of therapy and with all due respect alot of times i "know" a bit more then the volunteers , and their questions can sometimes be triggering.
I rarely share or post on here. But im not sure what to do anymore.
I am trying to stay grounded and not spiral further.