suicide ideation

I'm in a bad place. I broke my streak of not selfharming for 2 months, which is my personal best. I was too overwhelmed, which feels like a stupid reason now I type it out. My thoughts ran away with me and all I could think of was the bad things. I have literally no one to talk to. And I'm not exaggerating. My sister doesn't answer my messages, my mom says she doesn't want to listen to negativity despite my repeated efforts to show her that it's helpful to talk things out, and my dad I don't trust with these problems. My best friend hasn't been talking with me and I don't know why. My therapist is on vacation. My cat is lost. My job isn't paying enough for the bills.

I kept thinking these things on repeat. Couldn't find a single happy thing in the world. Pulled out my list of reasons to live. Didn't believe any of them. So I used a knife and broke my streak. I hate myself for it, but no more than I did before cutting. Then I had a panic attack. As I write this, I'm hoping I find something soon, because I want to die tomorrow.

My world is dark and unforgiving. No one wants to come in and rescue me. I am convinced that my friend has not been talking to me because I'm too much for him. It started right after I left him a note, saying that he had saved my life from suicide and was the kindest and most helpful person I knew. He wrote me a message about how he was happy to help me, and that he was excited to see where I go in life. I haven't heard from him besides small talk in church. I want to die. Even the man who saved my life doesn't want anything to do with me.

I haven't left my room. I don't intend to. Ever, if possible. It's just not worth it. I want to give up and go see heaven. Maybe they'll want me there.
#Depression #Selfharm #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #Loneliness

#Selfblame #Selfharm #SuicideIdeation #lost

As of last week/this week of April 2023 I've been in this dark place that I cannot overcome, Last year I was diagnosed with Papillary Carcinoma a cancer that has took a lot already from me.I lost my car, my home and my job just recently...I feel broken like there is nothing left inside of me to continue to live. My thoughts are dark inside my mind all I think about is dying and how I would do it... I am on the verge of giving up entirely. I failed at being a mother, sister, and a daughter and not to mention I lost my best friend to suicide this year in January. And I honestly don't want to be here anymore, When I talk about how I feel it's like I'm talking to walls even though its other people and all I get is that "everything is going to be okay" you'll get through this" or sometimes nothing at all. I feel like I am the problem and the only way to fix the problem is to take myself out of the equation. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb that is soon to go off I am full of hurt,anger,disappointment,regret and I cannot fix those emotions and most of all I am purely tired I just want to sleep and never wake up.

I know I'm not alone in this world but I do feel like I am.

I'm here because I feel like my mental health is deteriorating. I'm scared that my thoughts of suicide will either overwhelm me, or I'll drive away the people I love.
I woke also like to find out more about migraine, since my wife suffers from them.
#Depression #SuicideIdeation #selfloathing #Migraine

Sometimes I feel that suicide is the only thing I have control over. It is the one thing that only I can decide, plan, overthink, contemplate, and choose yes or no. I think of it daily. I've got all my plans in place so my family won't have to do anything. I have tried 5 times in the past. The last time should have worked, but I was sold the wrong product. I was so f'in mad that I was still here. My husband drove me to the hospital and they did nothing, which is the norm. I have two plans of action this time - no, I'm not actively suicidal right now. One could fail if not setup properly. The other is a definite guarantee. I did so much research on these two things. Why? It truly is a control issue. I need to control something in my life, and this is it. I feel I have no control over anything else. I don't bring it up, mention it to anyone, talk about it. I keep it to myself because no one wants to hear that I think about it, let alone having planned everything from start to finish, including the BS my family won't have to deal with because it's done. Anyway, I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.

#Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #Marijuana #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

Sometimes I feel that suicide is the only thing I have control over. It is the one thing that only I can decide, plan, overthink, contemplate, and choose yes or no. I think of it daily. I've got all my plans in place so my family won't have to do anything. I have tried 5 times in the past. The last time should have worked, but I was sold the wrong product. I was so f'in mad that I was still here. My husband drove me to the hospital and they did nothing, which is the norm. I have two plans of action this time - no, I'm not actively suicidal right now. One could fail if not setup properly. The other is a definite guarantee. I did so much research on these two things. Why? It truly is a control issue. I need to control something in my life, and this is it. I feel I have no control over anything else. I don't bring it up, mention it to anyone, talk about it. I keep it to myself because no one wants to hear that I think about it, let alone having planned everything from start to finish, including the BS my family won't have to deal with because it's done. Anyway, I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.

#Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #Marijuana #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

I stopped my drug of choice for 5 weeks but then got a little and have had a couple each day since. My other drug of choice is a bad one and is hard to quit. I made it 11 days and then I got a couple g's. I was so disappointed in myself. I was proud when I said I was quitting and I did. I just can't stay away. I'm an addict and I need to deal with these two drugs now. I have tried Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, talk therapy, meditation, mindfulness. The only thing I haven't tried is a 12-step program. I found some for narcotics anonymous - there's one group in my city that is secular. Online there are hundreds. No excuse not to participate. Let's make it through today and worry about tomorrow the next day. #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #Marijuana #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

I’m just all touched out and over stimulated right now. It’s crazy how 2 two year olds can break a grown woman down to crying in front of them at the end of the day. All the yelling, jumping, tapping me, poking me, wanting me to pick them up, no put them down, just constant movement, temper tantrums that wake up the baby I just got to sleep, the worst is the whining. I know they are confused that their dad disappeared so I’m trying to be patient but my nerves are shot. #Depression #Anxiety #MomGuilt #SuicideIdeation