suicide ideation

Create a new post for topic
Join the Conversation on
suicide ideation
5.1K people
0 stories
283 posts
Explore Our Newsletters
What's New in suicide ideation
All
Stories
Posts
Videos
Latest
Trending
Post
See full photo

New Me?? *trigger warning*

I'm feeling a little down today. Nothing like usual, just a little off. Sometimes this happens before the shit hits the fan, so I'm anxiously anticipating that. I feel like I live in a pinball machine, bouncing off the walls and bumpers and glass, however, today I'm just slipping along the sides and avoiding all of the obstacles. It's not a very good analogy, but it makes the most sense to me. I am asking myself if this is 'regular' or 'level' ... I can't remember the last time I felt this way.

I started a new medication (both new to me, my p-doc, and to the market) about six weeks ago.The new med belongs to a group of drugs called an atypical antipsychotic that also has an antidepressant effect. For the first time in over 40 years, I haven't had suicidal ideation every single day! It took me a couple days to realize I hadn't thought about it and it really threw me off. You have to realize that that line of thinking has been my life. Every. Single. Day. It has always been my go-to; the only thing that I felt I had control over. My p-doc is astounded at how I've turned around. He decided to wean me off of the antidepressant I was currently on. I've noticed that I'm a little more snappy; my patience level has changed, though, for the better. I think I'm being shown that I can deal with my illness, and that it's time for me to put in a little mindfulness and being more conscious of my mood, and the ways I choose to deal with those feelings.

To put it in nutshell, I'm terrified that this is only going to be a quick fix, that it won't work, or that it will work but there's a HUGE crash coming. I'm just really afraid. I'm trying hard to stick to today and not give thought to tomorrow, but I can't just flip the switch that's been on for so long.

I really hope we're onto something here. It has been nice not to spend so much time thinking about and planning my demise.

Thank you for always listening. It's nice to have this community's support, understanding and sometimes a well-placed foot to the butt.

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma @dannygautamawellness

Most common user reactions 7 reactions 3 comments
Post

Trigger Warning Selfharm

I'm in a bad place. I broke my streak of not selfharming for 2 months, which is my personal best. I was too overwhelmed, which feels like a stupid reason now I type it out. My thoughts ran away with me and all I could think of was the bad things. I have literally no one to talk to. And I'm not exaggerating. My sister doesn't answer my messages, my mom says she doesn't want to listen to negativity despite my repeated efforts to show her that it's helpful to talk things out, and my dad I don't trust with these problems. My best friend hasn't been talking with me and I don't know why. My therapist is on vacation. My cat is lost. My job isn't paying enough for the bills.

I kept thinking these things on repeat. Couldn't find a single happy thing in the world. Pulled out my list of reasons to live. Didn't believe any of them. So I used a knife and broke my streak. I hate myself for it, but no more than I did before cutting. Then I had a panic attack. As I write this, I'm hoping I find something soon, because I want to die tomorrow.

My world is dark and unforgiving. No one wants to come in and rescue me. I am convinced that my friend has not been talking to me because I'm too much for him. It started right after I left him a note, saying that he had saved my life from suicide and was the kindest and most helpful person I knew. He wrote me a message about how he was happy to help me, and that he was excited to see where I go in life. I haven't heard from him besides small talk in church. I want to die. Even the man who saved my life doesn't want anything to do with me.

I haven't left my room. I don't intend to. Ever, if possible. It's just not worth it. I want to give up and go see heaven. Maybe they'll want me there.
#Depression #Selfharm #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #Loneliness

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactionsMost common user reactions 71 reactions 19 comments
Post

I feel like everything I do makes my family's life harder. I feel like the people I care about need me out of their lives.
I'm worried that me voicing these feelings is affecting my kids. I'm worried that my in-laws will kick me out ratted than deal with me.
#Depression #Anxiety #SuicideIdeation #Selfblame #self -hatred

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactionsMost common user reactions 6 reactions 2 comments
Post

Strong Urges

#Selfblame #Selfharm #SuicideIdeation #lost

As of last week/this week of April 2023 I've been in this dark place that I cannot overcome, Last year I was diagnosed with Papillary Carcinoma a cancer that has took a lot already from me.I lost my car, my home and my job just recently...I feel broken like there is nothing left inside of me to continue to live. My thoughts are dark inside my mind all I think about is dying and how I would do it... I am on the verge of giving up entirely. I failed at being a mother, sister, and a daughter and not to mention I lost my best friend to suicide this year in January. And I honestly don't want to be here anymore, When I talk about how I feel it's like I'm talking to walls even though its other people and all I get is that "everything is going to be okay" you'll get through this" or sometimes nothing at all. I feel like I am the problem and the only way to fix the problem is to take myself out of the equation. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb that is soon to go off I am full of hurt,anger,disappointment,regret and I cannot fix those emotions and most of all I am purely tired I just want to sleep and never wake up.

I know I'm not alone in this world but I do feel like I am.

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactions 3 reactions 1 comment
Post

I'm new here

I'm here because I feel like my mental health is deteriorating. I'm scared that my thoughts of suicide will either overwhelm me, or I'll drive away the people I love.
I woke also like to find out more about migraine, since my wife suffers from them.
#Depression #SuicideIdeation #selfloathing #Migraine

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactionsMost common user reactions 17 reactions 5 comments
Post

Control (Trigger Warning)

Sometimes I feel that suicide is the only thing I have control over. It is the one thing that only I can decide, plan, overthink, contemplate, and choose yes or no. I think of it daily. I've got all my plans in place so my family won't have to do anything. I have tried 5 times in the past. The last time should have worked, but I was sold the wrong product. I was so f'in mad that I was still here. My husband drove me to the hospital and they did nothing, which is the norm. I have two plans of action this time - no, I'm not actively suicidal right now. One could fail if not setup properly. The other is a definite guarantee. I did so much research on these two things. Why? It truly is a control issue. I need to control something in my life, and this is it. I feel I have no control over anything else. I don't bring it up, mention it to anyone, talk about it. I keep it to myself because no one wants to hear that I think about it, let alone having planned everything from start to finish, including the BS my family won't have to deal with because it's done. Anyway, I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.

#Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #Marijuana #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

Most common user reactions 11 reactions 5 comments
Post

My Control (Trigger warning)

Sometimes I feel that suicide is the only thing I have control over. It is the one thing that only I can decide, plan, overthink, contemplate, and choose yes or no. I think of it daily. I've got all my plans in place so my family won't have to do anything. I have tried 5 times in the past. The last time should have worked, but I was sold the wrong product. I was so f'in mad that I was still here. My husband drove me to the hospital and they did nothing, which is the norm. I have two plans of action this time - no, I'm not actively suicidal right now. One could fail if not setup properly. The other is a definite guarantee. I did so much research on these two things. Why? It truly is a control issue. I need to control something in my life, and this is it. I feel I have no control over anything else. I don't bring it up, mention it to anyone, talk about it. I keep it to myself because no one wants to hear that I think about it, let alone having planned everything from start to finish, including the BS my family won't have to deal with because it's done. Anyway, I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.

#Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #Marijuana #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactions 12 reactions 6 comments
Post

Weak

I stopped my drug of choice for 5 weeks but then got a little and have had a couple each day since. My other drug of choice is a bad one and is hard to quit. I made it 11 days and then I got a couple g's. I was so disappointed in myself. I was proud when I said I was quitting and I did. I just can't stay away. I'm an addict and I need to deal with these two drugs now. I have tried Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, talk therapy, meditation, mindfulness. The only thing I haven't tried is a 12-step program. I found some for narcotics anonymous - there's one group in my city that is secular. Online there are hundreds. No excuse not to participate. Let's make it through today and worry about tomorrow the next day. #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #Marijuana #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactions 5 reactions 3 comments
Post
See full photo

Being depressed while being a mum - I just want to be normal and fine

Not wanting to be here.
This being a near constant
An, every other day feeling
Repeating
Overwhelming
Underwhelming
What’s the point?
What’s the point of trying to put into words?
So when I’m not here, my son can know..
It was nothing to do with him.
It was everything to do with this plague, this cancer, this curse.
I worry that all my wishings to not be here will actually take me away from him sooner than he can cope. And I can’t bear to think of him suffering because of me. I can’t bear to think of him feeling alone in this world. Wanting me. Wondering.
I am sitting here breastfeeding him. Hating myself for these thoughts. Worrying they are somehow passing onto him. Wanting to stop breastfeeding in every moment, just get him off me for fear of him “picking” this up. Trying to think of other things but these are not just thoughts. This is feeling. This is embodied. Me. I can’t get away from it. Nothing else feels quite as real or familiar anymore. The thought of wanting to put him down upsets me because I know one day we won’t be here. Never being this close to have him feed at my breast and I resent myself for wanting to stop. But my back also hurts and I feel so frustrated!

I hate who I am these days. I hate who I’ve become. Always moaning. Always annoyed. Always on the edge of pissed offness. Always tired. Exhausted. Not wanting to be here. All the time. Can’t be bothered. Don’t care. Caring too much. I don’t know. Doubting myself. Criticising myself. Criticising others. Tired. So tired. Always tired. Feeling weak. Pathetic. Miserable. Then, when I have come away from being with others, how fake I feel. They see the best mum ever. They see a positive, inspiring, encouraging, nurturing, caring friend. They see lovely, so lovely, so kind, considerate and thoughtful. Because I am. I know I am those things aswell but I feel like that’s me only 20% of the time now.

With my son I know I am so patient, kind, loving, nurturing, everything good in me most of the time. It’s as soon as he goes down for a nap and I curl up on the sofa I let a little bit of the heaviness out. Within minutes of my partner being home and having a go at him because I am genuinely so irritated. I sit on the floor and play with my son and I’m only physically there. Inside I am sad. I stare at his face and feel a sense of wonder. I watch him and feel awe. He comes over to me and I feel love. This is why I could watch him all day. This is why I record him so much. Because he is the only thing I feel genuine joy at these days. So why do I feel so bad when I am with him all day and I do get to watch him all day. Because of me and my lack of energy and my moods and how I FEEL inside. Having to do housework. Having to leave the house. Having to do things just feels like such an inconvininece to me all of the time.

This is obviously severe/chronic depression and in some ways I think I accept it but for the most part I don’t and can’t. It feels too unfair and I don’t want to accept this is my reality and will be my reality for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to take a hundred supplements a day and be radical in getting exercise and diet just to maintain a balanced-ish way of being. I just want to be normal and fine.

#Depression #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #motherood #MentalHealth #Breastfeeding #Trapped #Parentingwithdepression #overwhelmed #SuicideIdeation #fedup #sad #melancholy

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactions 10 reactions 4 comments
Post

Feel like a bad mom

I’m just all touched out and over stimulated right now. It’s crazy how 2 two year olds can break a grown woman down to crying in front of them at the end of the day. All the yelling, jumping, tapping me, poking me, wanting me to pick them up, no put them down, just constant movement, temper tantrums that wake up the baby I just got to sleep, the worst is the whining. I know they are confused that their dad disappeared so I’m trying to be patient but my nerves are shot. #Depression #Anxiety #MomGuilt #SuicideIdeation

Most common user reactionsMost common user reactionsMost common user reactions 79 reactions 21 comments