suicide ideation

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suicide ideation
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    Being depressed while being a mum - I just want to be normal and fine

    Not wanting to be here.
    This being a near constant
    An, every other day feeling
    What’s the point?
    What’s the point of trying to put into words?
    So when I’m not here, my son can know..
    It was nothing to do with him.
    It was everything to do with this plague, this cancer, this curse.
    I worry that all my wishings to not be here will actually take me away from him sooner than he can cope. And I can’t bear to think of him suffering because of me. I can’t bear to think of him feeling alone in this world. Wanting me. Wondering.
    I am sitting here breastfeeding him. Hating myself for these thoughts. Worrying they are somehow passing onto him. Wanting to stop breastfeeding in every moment, just get him off me for fear of him “picking” this up. Trying to think of other things but these are not just thoughts. This is feeling. This is embodied. Me. I can’t get away from it. Nothing else feels quite as real or familiar anymore. The thought of wanting to put him down upsets me because I know one day we won’t be here. Never being this close to have him feed at my breast and I resent myself for wanting to stop. But my back also hurts and I feel so frustrated!

    I hate who I am these days. I hate who I’ve become. Always moaning. Always annoyed. Always on the edge of pissed offness. Always tired. Exhausted. Not wanting to be here. All the time. Can’t be bothered. Don’t care. Caring too much. I don’t know. Doubting myself. Criticising myself. Criticising others. Tired. So tired. Always tired. Feeling weak. Pathetic. Miserable. Then, when I have come away from being with others, how fake I feel. They see the best mum ever. They see a positive, inspiring, encouraging, nurturing, caring friend. They see lovely, so lovely, so kind, considerate and thoughtful. Because I am. I know I am those things aswell but I feel like that’s me only 20% of the time now.

    With my son I know I am so patient, kind, loving, nurturing, everything good in me most of the time. It’s as soon as he goes down for a nap and I curl up on the sofa I let a little bit of the heaviness out. Within minutes of my partner being home and having a go at him because I am genuinely so irritated. I sit on the floor and play with my son and I’m only physically there. Inside I am sad. I stare at his face and feel a sense of wonder. I watch him and feel awe. He comes over to me and I feel love. This is why I could watch him all day. This is why I record him so much. Because he is the only thing I feel genuine joy at these days. So why do I feel so bad when I am with him all day and I do get to watch him all day. Because of me and my lack of energy and my moods and how I FEEL inside. Having to do housework. Having to leave the house. Having to do things just feels like such an inconvininece to me all of the time.

    This is obviously severe/chronic depression and in some ways I think I accept it but for the most part I don’t and can’t. It feels too unfair and I don’t want to accept this is my reality and will be my reality for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to take a hundred supplements a day and be radical in getting exercise and diet just to maintain a balanced-ish way of being. I just want to be normal and fine.

    #Depression #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #motherood #MentalHealth #Breastfeeding #Trapped #Parentingwithdepression #overwhelmed #SuicideIdeation #fedup #sad #melancholy

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    Feel like a bad mom

    I’m just all touched out and over stimulated right now. It’s crazy how 2 two year olds can break a grown woman down to crying in front of them at the end of the day. All the yelling, jumping, tapping me, poking me, wanting me to pick them up, no put them down, just constant movement, temper tantrums that wake up the baby I just got to sleep, the worst is the whining. I know they are confused that their dad disappeared so I’m trying to be patient but my nerves are shot. #Depression #Anxiety #MomGuilt #SuicideIdeation

    79 reactions 21 comments
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    My Picture Story

    I experienced child sexual abuse, among other things. I wanted to express what I go through trying to forever process things. Every day, hour, minute, second. I told my artist what my vision was. He took my words and designed the most beautiful piece.

    The beautiful angel is reaching down to help the wee girl at the bottom but a demon reaches out and grabs her by the elbow. The girl is trying to call out to the angel, but the demon covers her mouth so no one can hear her cries. Even though I'm healing and dealing with my disorders, this is my every day. My life.

    #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

    9 reactions 1 comment
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    Are Hashtags Groups/Finding Groups

    I'm trying to find a couple groups that are my hashtags, but I cannot find them. Am I missing something? Any and all help is appreciated.

    #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

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    The Demons Inside of Me

    My newest tattoo is an eye with a demon for the pupil. He's trying to claw his way out of my body, but he still hasn't left.

    #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor

    24 reactions 8 comments
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    My Mom Angel

    I was feeling depressed one day and couldn't seem to muster up the energy to do anything. After some persuading, I grabbed my camera bag and drove south. There was a large barn on the side of the highway that everyone loved to capture. Although I had lots of pics of it, I kept an eye out for anything unordinary. (Side note: my mom died 31 years ago when I was 23.) I often talked to her in the silence of the places I visited. It gave me peace, especially when I saw 'signs' of her. I like taking shots around buildings for the interesting perspectives you get. I took this picture while talking to Mom and didn't think anything of it until I got home. When I scrolled through the pictures, this little angel jumped out at me. It felt like she was sending me a message that everything was going to be alright. The rays of the sun at the top of the barn made it even more perfect. It was exactly what I needed then. Do you see her?

    #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors

    31 reactions 9 comments

    Suicidal #SuicideSigns #SuicideIdeation

    After my parents died a little more than a year ago a part of me died too. I have a wonderful husband who works in Saudi. I am Bipolar and have BPD. My daugter the same. I am just proud how strong she has #become . My son on the other is a full blown #narsissit and has traits of #psycopath . I' m living in hell and do not know if I will ever be happy. He ruince everyone. But knows how to be the perfect son for 3 whole weeks while dad is here. # narsissist and #manipulater #Suicide is starting to seem the only way I out. I dont think my husband really understand how bad it is with my son. This is no life anymore

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    Years Ago

    Unfortunately, I rarely find anyone to speak with about these old homes. Instead, I try to see them as they were knew - 150 years old. I step inside and glance out the window, wondering what the homesteaders saw. I wonder what they grew and what livestock they had; how many children (with probably 2 bedrooms lol), and how many times family and friends gathered to celebrate a holiday or birthday. It really is sad we don't have the history; at least we have to buildings.

    #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Cannabis #CannabisDependence #CocaineDependence #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors

    24 reactions 9 comments

    Suicidal help

    How do people hold off on acting on their suicidal thoughts and urges when they’re so strong? I’ve been in a really strong suicidal urge for 2 days now and am trying everything I know but am really struggle to stop myself acting on these urges and wondered if anyone had anything else that really helped them? #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideIdeation

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    Emotions of Photography

    Driving up and down gravel roads looking or old farms is both calming and exhilarating. I drive slower because I'm searching, which allows me time to practice mindfulness. When I see a copse of trees, or a glimpse of old wood, my heart beats faster in anticipation of what might be waiting around the corner. This is my therapy.

    #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #Cannabis #CannabisDependence #CocaineDependence #MentalHealth #MightyPets #PersonalityDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors

    12 reactions