suicide ideation

I've started a PHP program recently, which has made me aware of how severe all of my mental/physical illnesses are. I thought I was in control, but I've been burying and slowly dissociating from myself and reality. It just hurts right now. I know it'll get easier logically, but I just hurt so bad. I wish life could freeze or I could skip to where its more manageable. It doesn't help that my close family keeps leaving me alone and my friends all are going through similar situations (so they trauma dump on me, and I feel too guilty to put myself first). I just feel very alone and scared tonight, I wish I had someone to talk to. #Depression #SuicideIdeation #ChronicPain

Last year I was hospitalized due to rejection from my Dad. So I am coping by writing this. Trigger warning: I do talk about the suicide ideation I went through. Anyway, I hated that I had to be hospitalized but I have no regrets. I really needed it. I’m grateful to be alive.
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#CPTSD #SuicideIdeation #Healing

Feel the pain in my chest
Try to cope through this day
father, father, no father here today

Satin’s trying to get a grip of my pain
I hear his lies
You’re not good enough
You should die

This day last year
I wished you a happy day
You turned and said never wish me a happy Father’s Day
All I did was give you life
Don’t wish me a happy day
You weren’t a guest at my wedding

Ahhhgust
Snowball effect
Got trigged by my best friend
Rejected by my uncle
He put me in my place
My sis did the same thing

The pain is too strong
Start getting ready
Cause I won’t be here anymore

SUN is calling
I’m on my last string

Friends surround me
They take me to a place
Where there’s others like me

I see them
Crying
Scared
Like me

When the pain comes
I go to that place
And I see those people
Just like me
Living through the pain
Fighting for their lives
I don’t feel so lonely anymore

Rhea, Karina
Your spirit gives me strength

Keep fighting
Keep breathing
I see you give me strength