lossofparents

“I bet he’s out with her now “ she’d say, “I know your father there’s only a few spots he could be” and then it was revealed , where we were going , why mom has woken us and put us in the car at 2am on a school night , we were off to find dad.



Down into the dismal northeastern ghettos of Pennsylvania we would ride, Marie fast asleep oblivious to our crusade. I’m unaware if she remembered these night ventures as she spent most of them dreaming away, dreams that would eventually turn to nightmares as her adolescent mind struggled to repair her instances of trauma. She was the most innocent little angel all wrapped up in her blankets, ignorant to the dangers that would soon befall her .





I swear my mother could spot my fathers bike 3 miles away behind a semi and even be able to tell you the speed he was going at the time. After riding around to dads old familiar spots we would eventually find him. his black Yamaha had a way of twinkling under the gleam from the hazy yellow street lights like that of a candle flame where salt is sprinkled .



When we found him my heart would race, it would beat so loud in my ears, howling and lamenting it’s woes over mother’s blustering I remember watching the doors incessantly, refusing to blink, my eyes ached in fatigue and fear, hoping its next deployed would be mama so we can just go home . All I wanted was to be home, but not even my really home . Why couldn’t we just live with nan and pap and if mom wants to continue down this tumultuous path she could be on her merry way . Why did I need to be a apart of this? Marie ? This wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t right! id rather be sleeping in our beds at nan and paps house . I never let anyone see us though, I know mom never specifically said we had to duck or keep from being seen but I knew this was a “rowdy” spot and just didn’t want any confrontation, my anxiety skyrocketed enough. My chest would hurt, feeling as though my heart had been hitting the bone, repeatedly, begging to escape...

#DomesticAbuse #DomesticViolence #childofdomesticviolence #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Grief #lossofparents

I took care of my Parents. Mom got diagnosed with lung cancer in February. Dad with colon cancer in May 2016. Working full time with the help of FMLA, I took care of them constantly, and through hospice at their home. They passed 9 months apart, with Mom only lasting 12 weeks. I can't get passed it. I still cry all the time. I do live in their house with all their things. The memories of both death days haunt me. I need help.