domestic abuse

I just remembered something and I wanted to share it with you all. When I was at a Rehab facility for 15 months I had group therapy for domestic violence and drug abuse. I also went to individual therapy as well as sexual assault therapy ( which went at my pace). My first time at individual therapy and sexual assault therapy I just kinda sat there trying to make words form that would let my therapist know how I needed help. I than told my S A therapist that I have difficulty speaking what's on my mind because of years of being told that what I had to say didn't matter. But, I can be very talkative when I write what I want to say down on paper. I would put it under my SA therapist door when I was finished so she can read it before our next appointment and she can ask questions. When I got in her office the next time she was all smiles. Because I had wrote about one instance that I've had flashbacks about. She was surprised I was very explicit with details and revealed what I felt afterwards. I told her that if I can't be honest and open about what's messing up my head, then you don't know how to help me. I was told by different case managers, instructors and staff that I was brutally honest and they thought that it did help me along my healing journey.

If this sounds jumbled, it's because it's still jumbled in my mind, but I still wanted to reach some people......Please bear with me.

This post is for all the teachers who have taught during the pandemic…

You might not know it, but you may struggle with PTSD & triggers related to your job….this includes the ones who are still currently teaching.

To the 2019-2020 teachers……are you suddenly feeling very anxious & emotional and you don’t know why?

How about your students (more than “normal” spring break behavior & acting out...which was never actually "normal," but alarming to begin with)?

It could be that spring break is a trauma anniversary for you, as well as for your students…(and other human beings). Spring break is the time where we lost contact with our students due to covid shutdowns. Sure, we may have been there online with them, but that wasn’t normal/the same….to them or to us.

Some of us are overfunctioners during chaos…while others are underfunctioners. I was definitely an underfunctioner….and being the team leader, I was very grateful to my grade level team for stepping in and doing the necessary work for virtual learning.

In addition to work, I was dealing with other traumas going on at the same time and I struggled to function at all….it was all too much for me and I felt like I was drowning…..not only for myself, but for my students…I knew they needed so much…way more than I had to give, or for that matter, they needed way more than anyone could give. I was not the teacher that I wanted to be….and I battle with that a lot. However, I am learning to forgive myself…..I know I was doing the best I could do at the time.

At home, I was stuck in an abusive relationship that affected my whole psyche….and I know that I wasn’t the only one…..domestic violence rates have been higher than ever than before during this pandemic (my state of Oklahoma being #1 ).

Did you know that domestic abuse affects children as well? I began to see the trauma-responses play out upon our physical return to school in August 2020…..which made me see my childhood trauma through them. To put this into actual words is hard because it is so complex. But I also felt that no one else could see what I saw as a teacher (even other teachers/faculty)….I was hypervigilant & felt alone in my thoughts & worries….I stayed to myself as much as I could at work & in my personal life. It was rough.

Summer 2021, I was actually diagnosed with PTSD (which is actually CPTSD)----this was both a relief, a shock, & a grieving process. Not only that, but I began to see how the actual PTSD was playing out in my life….and how hard it is to “get back to normal.” I also saw it in my past.

With March around the corner, I am finding myself in this same internal panic and shame. I am no longer a teacher, but that doesn’t make it go away. I have learned that trauma anniversaries are very real, even if you try to avoid thinking about them. Your body always remembers them…..be it sensory triggers: the feel of the weather, the blossoms on a tree, the smell of spring weather, etc, physical reminder triggers: the world declaring the covid anniversary, picture memories that pop up on your phone via iphone, social media, timehop, etc….or internal triggers.

There’s this big misconception that flashbacks always have a visual component. Many times they don’t….many times it’s a feeling, a sensation, a sense of panic or urgency.

I write this so that if any of you teachers out there (past & present), are struggling right now, know that you are not alone.

Our students are still struggling as well. In fact, the CDC confirms this…..although most teachers knew this already since we’ve witnessed it in the classroom. Children are struggling with anxiety, depression, suicide, self-harm, substance abuse, avoidance, distraction, procrastination in higher rates than ever. I do not know the answer to these issues, but I know the first step is acknowledging that there is a problem. I believe we have a growing amount of students, teachers, parents, adults with PTSD…..but the world simply doesn’t understand the signs of & complexities of PTSD. The world needs education on PTSD now more than ever….and I hope they can see this sooner rather than later.

This post can apply to any other person regarding Pandemic-related PTSD….not just teachers & students. Know that if you are suddenly feeling on edge this month of March, you are not alone….March is a triggering month, a trauma anniversary for many people. Please know that you are not alone.

#PTSD #CPTSD #pandemic #Springbreak #COVID19 #mentalhealthepidemic #astrugglinggeneration #ptsdeducation #triggers #March #march2020 #DomesticAbuse #Students #Teachers #Parents #Poverty

It's funny isn't it, even when we were together I would never call you by your name because I knew I would get hurt so I gave you nicknames. Never did I think you would rape me. Then again no one ever think it is going to be them right? I always try to see the best in people and no matter how awfully you treated me I still saw the good and thought you were just misunderstood and my friends didn't know you like I did. How wrong I was. Was I just naive? Even after it happened I questioned myself, I told myself that it couldn't of just happened. That wouldn't happen to me. I have been through a lot of shitty things but never did I think i'd end up here. I can't even say I am a survivor of rape, because i am not surviving. I don't know when this pain subsides, when do I stop being afraid to leave my house, when will i not be on high alert when i will get to leave the house it happened in when will i get to move away from you. I can never heal whilst you're so close everywhere i go, there are memories of you and i. the inly thing i can say that i have gained is the ability to say your name out loud. It is the only power i hold. Not only did I question whether it was rape before someone told me what happened was rape, i never even realised there was domestic abuse all the way through. How do i ahve anyone else to blame apart from myself there were warning signs, my friends tried to warn me but i didnt listen and now i am here #Rape #DomesticAbuse

Pt 2: yesterday I was driving through the same town where I went to the hospital and I felt such anger. I very rarely feel angry and I never act on it. But yesterday I did. I pulled into the hospital and was shaking as I requested to speak to someone about what happened Sunday. I used to advocate for myself relatively boldly but I have been so dehumanized and that advocating gave me more labels than help. But I thought “well, if they are going to say I’m paranoid and suicidal when I am not, why am I trying so hard to mask my distress?”
I went in there and told my story. I told them I don’t need them to do anything. I don’t care what they do with that information. I don’t need an apology. I just needed someone to hear what happened.
I was given a few numbers by the woman at the registration desk and she talked to the ER head nurse. It was acknowledged that they definitely should have stopped drawing blood if I was in pain.
Again, I just am so proud of myself for not reducing myself more.
#CPTSD #ChronicMigraines

So my adoptive dad was obsessed with money… because my adoptive mom once had a severe gambling addiction. So my mom would spend money sometimes to piss him off. He was abusive to her just fyi.

So it’s my 12th birthday and my mom buys me 4 red eared slider turtles who I named after the ninja turtles 😅 However I decided one or 2 appeared to be female so I gave them female renaissance artist names. She bought a tank, heat lamps, etc. all the stuff… so it was expensive.

My dad was an alcoholic and as me and my mom completely setting up the turtle tank my dad walked in angry. When he saw the tank he demanded to know the price. My mom said, “We can talk about it later, it’s our daughters birthday.” My dad was still pissed.

He demanded we go buy him more beer. My mom was tired of being his enabler as people called her so she refused. Said she wasn’t doing it anymore. So my dad got out his hunting rifle and pointed it at me and her (I was standing beside her) and demanded again that we get him more beerS She looked at him in shock and I ran out the door after a moment of being froze. I had to force my legs to move.

I ran as fast as I could down my neighborhood street to the only neighbor I trusted and banged on their door in a panic. They didn’t answer so I kept banging on the door. The neighbors across who I didn’t know at all were suddenly standing behind me. They told me those neighbors were on vacation. They asked if I was okay and if I needed help. I couldn’t speak. I was filled with terror and questions. Do I tell them? Do I keep my mouth shut? Why couldn’t my trusted neighbor just be here?

The next thing I knew my mom was there beside me. She puts her arm around me and tells them that everything is fine and I’m just mentally ill. We proceeded walking home in silence. As we neared the house I stopped. I asked my mom why she said that and why she didn’t ask for their help. She said it was because it wasn’t a big deal and everything is fine.

My mom had stored the gun and said she knew it wasn’t loaded. Clearly my father hadn’t known that. I spent my whole life trying to get my mom to understand how messed up that event was. She always convinced herself it wasn’t a big deal so I’m like, “mom you’re husband should never ever pull a gun on you or me. There is no circumstance where that is no big deal.”

Today my mom and dad both understand how horrible it was. My mom more so than my dad. And my mom now hates guns. Which is why it took a lot to get her to ok me buying one. Including taking a safety class and training class. But I still appreciate that she cares.

Thought I’d share my story with gun violence.

#CPTSD #PTSD #Trauma #Abuse #DomesticAbuse #ChildAbuse #GunViolence

🥴
This is the first thing I said upon arriving in my therapist’s office yesterday. I really feel this sense of impending doom and I fought too hard to not have a portion of this heard.
I have CPTSD from a couple of abusive relationships/childhood trauma/a hostile work environment. I have been unable to gain stability since early 2016 when I left my (now ex-) husband. I am unable to work, considered disabled, unemployed, homeless, mentally and physically unwell, etc.
My story isn’t this. It is that I already overcame trauma, superseded the expectations of anyone, and became a reputable professional with leadership roles and a network of colleagues that I collaborated regularly with. I had friends, the best of friends, through thick and thin, until they were not.
Now I don’t remember who I am. I don’t have an identity. My future is beyond dark. Even if I do make it through this; what’s the point? I don’t feel depressed as much as acquiescent (IDK if that can actually be a verb but we are working with it). I never was depressed until lately.
I have a voucher but my case manager has done nothing. Literally nothing but caused problems. I am not getting my basic needs met at all (such as, you know, my prescribed medications 😑)
My options are basically nonexistent if I want to maintain a modicum of safety. (Currently considering asking a church if I can stay in their parking lot). Or- my ex boyfriend I recently reconnected with is offering to get a place with me. And my therapist at the domestic violence agency who knows my situation doesn’t condone this but also acknowledges this may be the only option I have.
Taking a moment to really drive that home: my situation is so dire that my therapist (whom I respect and supports me entirely and I have a good relationship with) is acknowledging that moving in with him is likely the only quasi-option.
This is already rambling so I’m just going to stop. Idk if anyone will see this. I’m just so scared that I am coming up on the end of my story due to a lack of shelter, support, and hope.
#CPTSD #DomesticAbuse #Agoraphobia

I just wanted to update I was struggling with the grief of a break up after 8 yrs coincidentally a week before our anniversary on the holiday weekend ugh! Anyway I left because it is the best thing for me! I'm gathering all the love I feel for him and I am gonna give it to MYSELF!!!

YES.

Narcissists tell on themselves all the time.

If you listen closely.

All the things they tell you during lovebombing, all the things they promise you they won't ever do to you, and all the promises they make about the future.

Are the EXACT opposite of what's going to happen.

All the things they judge people for, and all the things they tell you that people have done to them, all the behavior they tell you their exes are guilty of.

Are the EXACT things, that they themselves do.

All the little “warnings” they give you, that refer to dealing with them, such as “My ex did this n that, I dumped them, without an ounce of remorse”, “It takes a lot for me to start loving anyone”, or “I can be ruthless and mean, if you cross me”.

No matter what sentence follows those statements, like “But I would never do that to you”, or “But with you it feels different”, understand that those are true assertions about themselves. They count for any relationship, with anyone.

Yes, narcissists tell you everything about themselves,

They just do it in reverse.

(Source: www.quora.com/Do-narcissists-tell-on-themselves-if-you-listen)

#narcissists #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #Abuse #EmotionalAbuse #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #DomesticAbuse #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #DomesticViolence #ChildhoodAbuse

I've read that people with borderline personality disorder and /or narcissistic personality disorder don't really love the person they've ensnared in their web of hostility and craziness. It's time for me to go. I have to abandon this 40 year marriage before I lose my mind, again. Am I strong enough to go yet? I struggle. I deserve better. I was screamed at again the other day and I'm devastated as usual. When we have a few good weeks I feel almost normal and like maybe I can be strong and learn to live with it. I swear I look at him sometimes and see a slithering hissing snake. Does he care if I go? Oh yes, he says he has too much invested in me. I've kept an emergency bag packed for many of my 40 years. I am a coward to use it. Oh why can't I see that he really doesn't care? This is my prayer, that I get the strength to go and not be so damn loyal to a man the crumbles my soul.
#DomesticAbuse