Male

I was raped and I'm a man...
#Male rape, #sexual abuse, # molestation #PTSD

On that note;
I always try to never bother anyone with any noise or sound.
Maybe that stems from my back in the day where if I made noise at night my dad would wake up pretty pissed. So I learned how to step quietly , my hearing is impeccable and with my 200pounds manage to walk up 8 wooden staircases and not wake up anyone.

I've never written anything like this and I just need to post it and not delete it.
I feel both relieved and ridiculous.

I'm sorry for anyone offended by my words.
Trust me, nothing you say will make me feel worse than how I make myself feel every second of every day.

But then again,no one is going to read this. So that's a relief.

The whole thing that men sleep around and parade women as trophies has never really been something attractive for me.
My hormones are usually out of wack and either I'm haunted by thoughts of sleeping around.
Not that i can, I do not have the luxury nearly all women and some men have. (This was the part I feel would make people angry btw)

I say that because of how twisted I've always seen myself, and have come to realise that "Loving yourself"?
Is a luxury item not in my reach. Ever. Tolerating maybe.
So I feel that I am never good enough.
Even when rationally speaking, I am not hideous and my 'normal' personality makes me pseudo-attractive.
Compared to some of the 'beasts' we all see.

(I think this way and I HATE IT. I LOATHE myself for doing this and because of it I always tell myself there is nothing worse in the world than me. For who am I to judge anyone.)

I feel deprived of human contact and touch.
I'm almost sure that I've actually started fearing it. Isolating myself more and as soon as I get the chance, cower away in the shadows.
I'm actually a very cheery person and love to be a cheerleader to other people and their hopes and dreams.

I push myself to my limits (physically and mentally) to surround myself with fun people.
People I tolerate are a dime a dozen.

Often indulging in any kind of stimulant (harddrugs, alcohol) just to be sure that my thoughts are quiet and I'm fun.

Anyone who acts selfish is labelled a horrible person and I'd love to see them all die.
Not proud of that thought process but hey, atleast I'm not the one bothering anyone.

This is gonna be something that will probably get taking the wrong way by some, if not everyone.
For any distraught I have given anyone, I'm sorry.

Embracing myself as a borderliner has been a 'long' road and recognising thought patterns has helped me a lot.

But I keep having these aweful thoughts about sex.
To go back to my sexual history ; my dad took me to a whorehouse when I was 14/15 simply because he thought I would like that since I was a teenager and also still into anime and cartoons.
I did not.
I pretended though because; you're supposed to.. right? I even went for another 'round' because I didn't finish and idk wanted to see if maybe this time it would be as good as everyone made it seem.
(I feel horrible guilt as I write this simply because I know there's sooo much worse things happening to people and here I am being a little *!&#€£! About this)

Fast forward to 21 and my first normal encounter with the opposite gender occurs.
It was what it was and I dont want to bother anyone with the details.

Fast forward to my first girlfriend who, being a nymphomaniac, was fond of the deed.
It was slightly more pleasurable but I could still not climax. I'm still confused about whether she cheated on me or not.

Now THE ex. A bpd with a side of narcissism.
I loved her more than the world and anyone on it. She had me on a leash and she knew it. Separating me from my family and any friends I had. (But I wouldnt dare to ask her to ditch her appointment with a friend)
With her I had reached a point where i was , finally able to climax. It was glorious and the memory is etched into my brain and It just won't go away.

This was 4 years ago and I've been with about 3 women ever since. 'Relationships' spanning no longer than a few weeks or months.
Not being able to climax and sometimes I was.

What does this have to do with ANYTHING?
I have no clue,maybe someone does.
Or maybe this post gets deleted/removed.

But to get back to my original point.
For most bpd's I've noticed the pattern where we usually love-to-love And be loved.
Sex is part of this and sometimes it's simply there to satisfy your need to be felt.. accepted.
The latter I have never indulged in.
I feel aweful thinking doing that, and the 1 time I actively seduced a girl and got her to a hotel room and we hung out and 'the moment was there'
I couldnt live with myself if I used someone. And went to sleep.

End p.1

Just wish I could talk/interact with someone, preferably male, who I could talk/interact with about relationships. #Male

Hi my name is Juan, I'm a male with a #BINGE #bed I have struggled for over 10 years and I attended a IOP treatment program for 3 months back in 2017. I observed while attending I'm was the only man their and 99.9% we're all women. I noticed majority of the clients feared me because some of them were sexually assaulted or have bad relationships with there dad's. After I graduated from IOP program, I haven't gone back because I don't feel really supported and alone living with a eating disorder. I feel as if there is lack of eqauilty ED community, men do struggle but we keep slient though.