This is gonna be something that will probably get taking the wrong way by some, if not everyone.
For any distraught I have given anyone, I'm sorry.
Embracing myself as a borderliner has been a 'long' road and recognising thought patterns has helped me a lot.
But I keep having these aweful thoughts about sex.
To go back to my sexual history ; my dad took me to a whorehouse when I was 14/15 simply because he thought I would like that since I was a teenager and also still into anime and cartoons.
I did not.
I pretended though because; you're supposed to.. right? I even went for another 'round' because I didn't finish and idk wanted to see if maybe this time it would be as good as everyone made it seem.
(I feel horrible guilt as I write this simply because I know there's sooo much worse things happening to people and here I am being a little *!€£! About this)
Fast forward to 21 and my first normal encounter with the opposite gender occurs.
It was what it was and I dont want to bother anyone with the details.
Fast forward to my first girlfriend who, being a nymphomaniac, was fond of the deed.
It was slightly more pleasurable but I could still not climax. I'm still confused about whether she cheated on me or not.
Now THE ex. A bpd with a side of narcissism.
I loved her more than the world and anyone on it. She had me on a leash and she knew it. Separating me from my family and any friends I had. (But I wouldnt dare to ask her to ditch her appointment with a friend)
With her I had reached a point where i was , finally able to climax. It was glorious and the memory is etched into my brain and It just won't go away.
This was 4 years ago and I've been with about 3 women ever since. 'Relationships' spanning no longer than a few weeks or months.
Not being able to climax and sometimes I was.
What does this have to do with ANYTHING?
I have no clue,maybe someone does.
Or maybe this post gets deleted/removed.
But to get back to my original point.
For most bpd's I've noticed the pattern where we usually love-to-love And be loved.
Sex is part of this and sometimes it's simply there to satisfy your need to be felt.. accepted.
The latter I have never indulged in.
I feel aweful thinking doing that, and the 1 time I actively seduced a girl and got her to a hotel room and we hung out and 'the moment was there'
I couldnt live with myself if I used someone. And went to sleep.