Hoping these RSO capsules kick in before my panic attack does vent 🫠
I’m feeling low today. I had a hard time leaving the bed, which is completely uncharacteristic of me.
I had another family member delete me from social media. My support feels like it’s constantly dwindling the more I come forward about the stuff I have experienced. The more I set up boundaries and appropriate expectations, the more trauma I endure. I am systematically removing people, but I am also in a very vulnerable place with the amount of battles I am fighting. I need support but I am losing the natural supports I had. Which obviously weren’t as supportive as they let on.
A lot of my de-realization has been impacted by the fact that the people who were “supports” were people who loudly, boldly, professionally declare themselves helpers. And the world believes it. They are people who work with disabled or needy populations. They tout their volunteer efforts as “personal experience” when they haven’t ever had to beg for anything like I have had to. They don’t get that their volunteer experience does not reflect my lived experience. They also keep forgetting that I too have that professional experience and volunteer experience. I am very rational and logical and yet they write me off as defensive
It’s also really hard to get new support when I don’t work and am constantly in crisis so meeting new people is… not in the cards in this moment. I have tried many ways to make new friends and when my symptoms are more manageable, I work in this. I do have support from my boyfriend. It’s just relatively new and I feel really scared because of past relationships/unreliability of people. He has been really understanding and accommodating. He helps a lot with the shame I feel on a constant basis. He always reminds me it’s not my fault- not the trauma, not the way people are treating me, and not my symptoms (especially my embarrassing, child-like panic attacks 😳)
I *know* all of the things about having to accept that people aren’t going to always be respectful and setting up boundaries etc. it just feels like it’s never going to get better. I know it will. I just need to vent about it because i am feeling really alone today.
#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Disability #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe