Relationships

I don't feel it.

I don't think people actually love me.

I hear it in their tone when I try communicating about how some small thing triggered me and sent me into a dissociative or bipolar episode.

How tired they are. How annoyed they are. Their facial expressions telling me how dumb I sound.

Or most times, I don't hear from them at all. I'm left on read or unopened.

I don't know what haunts me more: when they pretend to care or when they show they don't.

The thing is I can understand why I wasn't loved in the past.

I couldn't communicate my feelings, I'd just let rage take over. I was selfish. I didn't care for my friendships or relationships, I was as unreliable as they come. I kept blaming my traumas for my fear of making something out of myself. I blamed those who failed me for my fear of failure. I'd drown in any substance I had around: weed, alcohol, pills... I actually understand why I couldn't be loved back then.

But now?

I stopped using pills as a crutch. I stopped drinking because I finally saw the monster I was becoming. I'm working on my art and participating in sober and creative group activities. I triple think before speaking. I try to figure out my own feelings and thoughts before expressing myself. I think about every possible outcome before acting and I always try my best to do good by those I care about. I don't act out anymore. I don't harm myself anymore. I don't scream and attack anymore. I hold myself accountable. I don't have a victim mindset and I know my words and actions have consequences. I do my best to overcome my condition and force myself to work towards my goals. I became more present, active and caring for my family. I started maintaining and caring for my friendships, constantly being available and loving. I'm actually able to maintain simple healthy routines, something I never achieved before.

So, why can't I ever have love?
Better yet, why not now?

What is it now?

Have I not "deserved it" yet?

Have I not proven myself worthy already?

I'm doing everything by the book. I'm trying my hardest to be a "normal" person with a normal and healthy life. I have never in my 32 years actually tried as hard as I am currently and I feel like it isn't paying off.

No matter what I do, I can never genuinely connect with the outside world and when I try to, it's obvious I'm not suppose to.

I'm used for who I am, but not seen for it.

I'm viewed as a crazy person with nothing good to offer, but still there's always something to take from me.

People forget crazy people have feelings too.

I HAVE BEEN BULLIED EVERYDAY STRAIGHT FOR NINE DAYS FROM WHEN EXTENDED FAMILY STOOD ME UP TWO SATURDAYS AGO, I AM CAREGIVING AND COMING HOME TO INTENSE YELLING, THE DAY I ASKED MY PARTNER TO A CHRISTMAS PARTY AT A CHURCH WE DIDN'T ATTEND HAS BEEN THE WORST, OR TODAY, ITS REALLY BAD AND I KNOW SOME PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE IT, BULLYING TO SUICIDE IS ......, caregiving out was nice, I am extremely emotionally distraught and Thankyou for your time and support on Mighty, I got a few small presents for family and will probably spend it alone, as family is driving with a 90 year old man 3 cities away, I know this is a time of Faith, it's also close to my Birthday, I was forced to do things I don't agree with or believe in and have immense trauma since, My mother is dead, my mother in law can't walk, I'm scared of injuring myself stupidly so usually walk out in the cold, my elderly is 90, I'm in Emotions ANON FOR those who need help with relationships and depression, I each year look up Suicide rate statistics at the Holidays AHTBO, I hostess, clean, am clean always and have invited family and extended family in, I'm Emotionally Exhausted, Screamed at every day, hard working and I smoke, I have little Support and thank you for your time, Sometimes we lose people to this I never thought it would be myself

TW: Suicide, Sexual Abuse, Religious Trauma

Shortly after my first suicide attempt, a well meaning Christian dismissed my struggles as an “attitude problem.” The interaction left me feeling despondent to the point that one of my roommates was concerned that I was going to attempt suicide again. He wanted to talk to our boss about my situation. I thought that was a terrible idea, as I did not trust the boss. However, I had gone inside myself, retreating from people because human interaction is harmful when I am depressed. I wasn’t in any kind of shape to advocate for myself. I don’t know why my roommate decided against talking to the boss. I’m glad he didn’t; it would have made the situation worse. After a few hours, I had stabilized enough to function as well as I ever functioned during this period.

Recently, a well meaning Christian suggested that my trauma, my history of depressive psychosis, and my suicide attempts were simply the products of an “attitude problem.” This mischaracterization of my issues stirred some memories, new and old. Among the new memories, I recall a meme by Lane Moore that hit me like a freight train when I first read it: “Surviving your abuser didn’t make you a ‘better person,’ going through trauma didn’t ‘make you grow.’ It took away your joy, and your trust, it almost killed you, and it shouldn’t have happened. If you grew or blossomed after, it was despite them.” I have always had problems with the notion that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I was never able to articulate my issues with it, but her take made me feel that someone understood me. It also made me consider how much of our suffering is the result of choices people make, such as the decision to bully someone. Should we encourage bullies because they provide opportunities for people to “grow?”

Thinking about this led me to recall an episode of Criminal Minds featuring the character Derek Morgan. While Morgan investigated the disappearances of several women, he met a priest, and could not hide the discomfort and disdain he felt in the priest’s company. When Morgan was a child, he was sexually abused by the director of a youth center. While the abuse was going on, Morgan would pray that it would stop. It did not stop. The priest replied that God does not give us more than we can handle. Morgan said that God asks too much of a thirteen year old kid.

This isn’t far from suggesting, as I have seen some Christians do, that Morgan should be grateful that he was molested, that I should be grateful for the abuse and the trauma that made me suicidal, that we should be grateful in general for the bad stuff that happens to us. I cannot reconcile the idea of a loving God with a God who would put a child in harm’s way to “teach him a lesson.”

I have always been fascinated by the numerous occasions when scientific progress was impeded by the religious beliefs of scientists. Isaac Newton was a man of deep faith who saw, in the laws he discovered, God’s perfect plan for the ordering of the universe. Yet he knew his discoveries did not perfectly describe the orbits of the planets, for example. He attributed this to some human frailty of his and not something God did wrong. It was indeed his belief that time was constant everywhere that caused the problem. The obstacle was resolved when Albert Einstein, also a man of faith, asked, what if God did it differently? This led to his discovery that time isn’t constant, but relative to the observer’s frame of reference, hence the theory of relativity.

In a similar vein, it seems that Christians became confused about what is important in shoring up those who are struggling. I can only imagine that a loving God would recoil in horror at the suggestion that the sexual abuse of a child is something that He intended. Why would a loving God want his followers to justify evil by claiming it was His will? That stance wasn’t helpful to Derek Morgan. His healing began when he confided in his colleagues and they responded without judgement, but with patience, a willingness to listen, and love.

I am not grateful for the trauma I have endured. Rather, I am grateful to my Emotional Support Canadian, who listened without judgement as I described my relationship with an abusive narcissist. It was her willingness to understand and genuinely engage in a dialogue about what I had experienced that helped me heal. The Christians who dismissed the pain of nineteen year old me as an “attitude problem” tore my wounds open and left them bleeding as they departed to pass judgement on someone else’s failings. I didn’t have the words back then to express how hurtful that was and how much such experiences have alienated me from religion generally.

The therapist I worked with the longest was a man of faith. However, he was more interested in religion’s capacity to help people live, rather than its concern with what happens when we die. His outlook was similar to Leo Tolstoy’s, who once said that he felt better about his life when he believed that there was a God who expected things from him. But a religion cannot help people live if it is steeped in mysteries that are beyond our understanding. Before we part ways, I leave you this question: Is it more likely that a loving God would want his followers stumbling in confusion as they contemplate the mystery of why He allowed one child to be raped while sparing another? Or is it more likely that a loving God doesn’t harm anyone, and expects his followers to help people who are suffering, without condemnation, but with compassion and a genuine willingness to understand?

#Suicide #Depression #Trauma #PTSD #MentalHealth #Disability

I find it fascinating how my memories flow, they aren't constant but can be triggered,controlled and be decompartmentalized, so easily. But, they serve purpose in protection now. Since people are not willing to be forthcoming with me, I write.

One relationship, Ive had to greive, three years later. I am blown away by one person's role,in my life. I believed in it.
I can now, look and see, all the little traits I saw, as enduring, they were someone https://elses.And when that connected, holy https://epiphany.Huge BIG Bang Moment! Sadness and https://shock.And to know, those same traits, we're a catapult to her, entire existence, in my life! And I, was played, for https://years.Bravo peeps.
From taste in clothes,music,art,fool,nature,hobbies, omg the hobby list is wacko to me https://now.Everything.How could someone have that much influence on another....BOOM!HOLY COW!!!Im hysterical over https://this.YEARS OF INFLUENCE MOLDED her.wtf
And that it was still going on! HOLY MOLLY BATMAN GET THE JOKER,LETS https://ROLL.And that her whole world, was paired up for life, with another, for those qualities!!!! So he fell for HIM, not HER! EVERYTHING HE LOVED,about her, WAS HIS influence.
Vomit time!!!

AND SHE, TOLD YOU, EVERYTHING.

Now I understand the years of being that "friend",on the https://sidelines.Why she was, that way.it was, one sided.
I kept her secrets, while she told https://mine.And that is why, she stayed, because I knew hers.
My existence has provided hours of entertainment, for https://many.You are https://welcome.I would have given details if https://asked.Could of really laughed.

But she only knew, of her own projection herself, poor thing.
Her entire personality,was his.
Now I understand the panick,when my mask https://fell.I was stripped,couldnt lie.
https://Damn.Someones entire idea of me was presented through gossip and https://disloyalty.Nothing https://new.And I respected this person,kept their secrets and gave them space, support,faith and belief, https://always.I defended these people behind their backs.Seriously, what the fck is wrong with people!

And since Ive been pushed, into the dark, all the players are clear now and Im curious like a https://cat.I find it comical and I find it ironically familiar https://now.All for a lesson. What was the plan, really, she will be gone, she'll never know or find https://out.Seriously flawed https://plan.All bases covered, huh?
Knowing what I know now,how desperate, did she pay the price,yes. I phased myself out, I knew.
Did she loose me, yes.do I know all their secrets, no. But enough, to know I had, to remove https://myself.It was clear as https://day.All the games.
Would I tell? Why https://not.I have nothing to https://loose.When you find those around you, held zero loyalty to you. And it was celebrated. Then it is fair game, right? I do not need to make things https://up.I tell what is, what has happened.

Unbelievably, grateful to have been made a fool of.
Thank you but you cannot run a game, on someone that KNOWS.