Relationships

I am grieving right now. I’m grieving the loss of a damaging, unhealthy, and harmful friendship, but a friendship I held close to all the same. I’m grieving the loss of the familiar life I used to have, a life my old friend played a massive role in. I’m grieving myself, as it relates to this sudden and profound change in my life. In short, right now I feel like my foundation has cracked underneath me, and I’m falling.

And to make matters worse, the grief has reignited a firestorm of mental and physical health challenges, from stomach pain and weakness to a profound state of depression and lifelessness. I don’t want to eat, I sleep too much, and I feel a constant pit of emptiness in the center of my chest. Grief is a beast. It’s a jarring, painful reminder that this world isn’t how God intended it to be; a reminder of all that sin has wrecked upon His creation. And when you have Borderline Personality Disorder, like I do, the pain of grief can feel like you’re living a nightmare.

My emotions swing from rage from the betrayal I suffered, to a deep loneliness after adjusting to a world without my ex-friend, to a sense of relief the toxicity is finally over. I’ve learned to treat my emotions like weather. Florida’s weather, that is. If you live in Florida, you know the weather can change on a dime. My emotions work similarly. In the afternoon, I’m experiencing anger and indignation. In the evening, I’m feeling lonely and I’m facing crying spells. Just as a Floridian must prepare for an upcoming thunderstorm or a hurricane, I too must prepare for the pain of the day. And I do that by anchoring myself onto God, the only One Who will truly never leave or abandon us.

When a storm approaches, sailors put down an anchor so that their boats are not toppled over by the approaching tempest. The anchor doesn’t stop the storm from approaching; that’s entirely out of the sailor’s control. But what the anchor does is make it so that the boat can withstand the storm’s beatings and tumult without toppling over or sinking. When we are grieving, or going through a massively painful storm, we must anchor ourselves in God and in His Word.

"I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.” — Psalm 16:8, NLT

##Perhaps right now, as you read these words, you’re being pummeled by the storm above you. The rains rages on, and there’s no sunshine in sight. No matter how terrible in every way the storm is, and no matter how tragic your situation is, God is here for you, desiring to be your Anchor. Nothing else in this world can provide the solid foundation that you deserve. You need Someone Who can be there for you through thick and thin, without leaving you or abandoning you (Hebrews 13:5). God wants that for you. So anchor yourself along with me and let’s weather the storm together. I believe, despite the emotional pain I’m in right now as I read these words, that one day the clouds will part and the rain will cease — and that you’ll be here with me.

#Addiction #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Grief #Loneliness #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Relationships #Christian #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #MightyTogether #CheckInWithMe

Just what I said! I hate anxiety. It sucks!

Going through a break up and feels like my whole world turned upside down. My heart physically aches, my mind spirals and my anxiety levels are off the roof. The grief is extra hard considering we still love & respect each other and that it was a healthy & mature relationship (broke up due to future incompatibilities)

I really am doing the best I can in terms of healing (journaling, therapy, yoga/gym, podcasts, meeting friends, even picked up new drum class hobby) but I still feel so empty and can break down at any time, even the most random moments when I'm driving, not to mention every single morning/night when in bed...

How do I cope?

Going through a break up and feels like my whole world turned upside down. My heart physically aches, my mind spirals and my anxiety levels are off the roof. The grief is extra hard considering we still love & respect each other and that it was a healthy & mature relationship (broke up due to future incompatibilities)

I really am doing the best I can in terms of healing (journaling, therapy, yoga/gym, podcasts, meeting friends, even picked up new drum class hobby) but I still feel so empty and can break down at any time, even the most random moments when I'm driving, not to mention every single morning/night when in bed...

How do I cope?

#Anxiety #anger #Fear #Depression

If it takes me cussing people out, then I will. I am really sorry I have become this person, but I just don’t like the feeling of being ignored, hurt, lied to, people stopped talking to me, people saying things that they don’t mean, like saying they will be there, they won’t leave but they eventually do. I have never done anything wrong but it just seems like to me people talk to who they want, care about who they want, spend time or hang out with who they want, but when it comes time for them to make new friends or talk to other people, I have noticed people stop talking to me. It makes me feel like I am invisible and don’t matter. That is why I don’t get close to people, I don’t even leave the house anymore because of it, I don’t put myself out there because I don’t see the point anymore. I feel like I will never change because I am always going to find it hard to start the conversation first because I don’t do well with socializing, because I don’t know what to say, I have always been way too shy to message first and also the reason I don’t reach out is because I have a fear of rejection or being ignored but I also don’t because I know life can get busy with job, kids, or just anything. I know that I have my boyfriend, with him I don’t have to worry about anything or anybody hurting me because I know that he will always be there, he will talk to me, he will not ignore me, or just anything. Despite everything, he has autism, I know it can be a struggle sometimes because he doesn’t always get it or understand when I need time to myself, space, or to do anything, communication is always a problem but it’s not that he is ignoring me or if I don’t message him back right away, he will send multiple messages until I reply, which I know is linked to his autism, I know that it’s something he can’t control or help but it isn’t something that I will leave him over. I am also going to stick around through it all, I love him but also the reason I stay is because I am afraid of being alone because if I wasn’t with him then I know I will be alone because no friends stay around and everyone else leaves. He also takes care of me, he is okay with me being very dependent and everything but he also treats me like a queen, but there will be a time when I will be able to go back to him. I won’t have to worry about anything anymore, whether that be people leaving, my stepdad accusing me of things I don’t do, calling me names to put me down, calling my music I listen to witchcraft or devil music when it’s not but also my mom who drinks every day and decides not to get help, but I am done with it all and everything. I know that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to or that I am not comfortable with, which that includes getting a job because if I had one it would be too much for me to handle to the point I would be lashing out and getting angry at people I work with, but I am just done trusting people to stick around when they will just leave when I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I am replaceable anyways which is why I cling onto my boyfriend and attach myself because I know that he will never leave me. I have him and he is all I need because in the end, everyone just leaves anyways. I am sorry if I can’t always control my anger sometimes and I don’t want to break anything like I used to but I am tired of caring anymore. I don’t put myself out there, I don’t get close to people, which once I move back to him then that’s it because I’m not going to let anybody in and the only person I want to feel close to is him because it’s just the repetitive cycle with everyone else because since I am never going to be the one to start conversations, I don’t want to reach out first unless people talk to me, some people only want to be friends with people who put in the same effort as them which I am never going to be that person and all of that is not going to change. I have him at least, who will stick around, who shows up for me and he never will leave me, but I will be moving back to him soon because at least I have someone there who will tend to my needs, take care of me, and everything or there is somedays there is times I am too tired to get out bed, eat and have the energy which he will help me with the things I struggle with or other tasks I can't do on my own like hygiene, cooking, laundry or just anything but as don't do phone calls either because I prefer texting. He treats me like a queen and he is all that I ever want but nothing is going to change that, I will risk anything for my relationship just so I don’t have to be alone. He also comforts me when I am feeling sad, he sings to me, and does everything he can to make me feel better, and I know I will get to experience that when I move back to him too. He always knows how to cheer me up when I am down. When I am around him, I don’t need space or time alone. He’s the only one who I can always count on, and that’s all I need but since I don't like going anywhere alone or doing anything alone that is why I have him because I also care and worry about what people think of me when I am in person because I have a learning disability because I am afraid of being judged, laughed at, looked at a certain way and I have heard people that do get bullied because they have a disability, for their appearance or anything but even going out to the grocery store makes me feel uncomfortable. My reaction to when people stop talking to me, lying to me, leaving me, or I feel as if people make new friends or forget about me or just anything to hurt me makes me get angry and crying is my reaction but I am just done. He will be so clingy to the point I can't do anything, I am okay with that so I don't have to be alone and everything but I would rather have someone talk my ear off and blow up my phone rather than someone who would leave because believe me when I do get so clingy when I get ignored or anything and I have become the same way but i have decided not to reach out. I only told my friends that he treated me wrong because they wasn't talking to me anymore or like they used to. Onetime when I lived with him they did threaten to beat me up if I didn't come back to Georgia when that isn't what friends do but he does treat me right. I have nothing here for me in Georgia or i feel like I have nobody but to be honest I am done putting myself out there, I am done getting close to people or even letting people into my life anymore when all they do is leave. That includes being independent because I don't have to if I don't to which i am not, I also don't want anybody trying to tell me how to live my life or what to do because I will do what I want to do and makes me feel comfortable. I spend hours on video call with my boyfriend because we can understand each other better especially when we meet in person again and we have been together for 8 years and going on 9 in February and with his autism it is much easier for him. He will always do what he has always done for me, that is what I need in my life and that means so much to me, he is the only one I want to be with and there is nothing going to change that.

I am really sorry that I do come off as very bitter, as if I had stopped caring or not to let people in, stopped getting close to people because everyone leaves and it makes me feel as if everyone is the same and the only one who stays is my boyfriend who has showed up for me, promised me that and everything.