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“do or do not, there is no try”

Coming up is a retirement party for someone whom I worked under for 15 years and had a wonderful relationship with. I left the job 2 years ago as a result of my symptoms getting in the way of my ability to perform my job duties.

Part for of me wants to go to the party, because this person was very supportive and meant a lot to me. I should be able to do this.
But as it comes closer- I’m filled with anxiety and dread of the prospect of going. I’ll have to see a lot of people who I was really close with but haven’t had any contact with for the last 2+ years. I feel this deep sense of shame for a multitude of reasons.

1. I’ve been unemployed so if they ask what I’m doing now, i could say “watching Netflix and trying to regulate my emotions while recovering from neuromodulating surgery to fix my broken brain”

2. I’ve gained a lot of weight since I last saw everyone as a side effect of meds, and even though I know that’s not something that should effect my decision, I’m honestly embarrassed and disgusted by myself.

3. I’ve always been socially anxious, so even if I was stable I’d be experiencing anticipatory anxiety. I haven’t really socialized at all in over a year.

I thought I was beginning to stabilize, but since this event came up I can feel myself losing the ability to maintain an emotional equilibrium. Each day I spend more and more time in a state of panic, self deprecation, and general depressed moods.

I know I should, and part of me does, want to go, but every time I think about it feels like someone’s sitting on my chest and I end up crying, a lot. I’m so disappointed in myself, but I honestly don’t think I can handle socializing with these particular people at a large scale event, especially bc I used to be someone they respected and even looked to for guidance.

I’m a shell of my former self and rapidly declining. I was starting to do better, but this has sent me into a downward spiral. And to top it off, my psychiatrist of over a decade abruptly retired around the same time I found out about the event due to an acute onset of heart disease.

It’s in 2 days. I made up a story that I had to go see the neurologist so I might not be able to make it. I’m so disappointed in myself because I’ve spent most of my adult life making up excuses (lying) about why I can’t attend things because the real answer, that trapped in a cycle of negative emotions and can’t function, is just not an answer most people would understand. And I don’t fault them for that because I’m barely navigating through it myself. But I finally have started to accept myself and my limitations and have been telling the truth and this feels like a total emotional relapse.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe just for myself to put into words what I’ve been feeling the last few days before it consumes me or my mood rapidly changes again and I have to reexamine/reorient myself to another group of feelings.
So there that is. Thanks for the space to let me work through my stuff and really make myself become consciously aware of my constantly shifting feelings.

Bipolar Disorder sucks.

#Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #SocialAnxiety

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As I was sharing two awful experiences from my childhood with my therapist yesterday, we talked a lot about the fact that I didn't have any safe adults, I could turn to.
I was left so very alone with my experiences.
Left alone to figure some hard stuff out - as a kid.
And I bet many of you can relate to this.
Also to the feeling of not having any safe places to turn.
I've never really had that...
Not as a kid, or a youngster, or an adult.
And it is a sorrow to realize that.
But I did have me.
I helped and saved me time and time again.
And I am thankful for that.
I am also thankful for the fact that I am now trying to cultivate safe relationships.
I am creating a support system, slowly.
So I don't have to be alone with everything anymore.
It's a process practicing sharing and opening up; being vulnerable.
But it does do me good when I practice with safe people.
(Picture from Pinterest)

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Setting boundaries

Hey mighty friends 💚

I'm still new to this, so please be understanding if I didn't post in the right place.

I'm feeling really anxious today. I had to set boundaries with a friend yesterday, and even though I knew it was the only way to a better relationship, I still feel terrible because I hurt him. I'm not good with words, and worry I didn't say the rights thing to make him understand how I (and a few other common friends as well) were feeling.

Any advice will be appreciated

Thanks in advance

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Building a relationship with ourselves helps us foster self-awareness, self-acceptance, and emotional resilience. It’s something i struggled with for a lot of my life but learning to build a relationship with myself empowered me to gain a deeper understanding of my needs, strengths, and limitations by regularly reflecting, practicing self-compassion, and setting personal boundaries and more. #ADHD #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Depression #Neurodiversity #Addiction

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is MIRACLEBELIEVER. I'm looking for gentle, kind souls who understand the pain and difficulty that goes with dealing with mental health issues, and who are willing and able to make real-time connections in order to create meaningful friendships and relationships.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD

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Romero's Children, Zombie apocalypse with a twist

When it first started, the authorities didn't know what to do with these shambling, mindless

automatons, so they gathered them together and put them in what they euphemistically called

'homes.' As time went by they began to outnumber and overrun the general population. The world

filled with their kind and humankind found itself fighting a losing battle. They filled the streets,

then whole towns and cities - even the countryside eventually wasn't safe. All they did, day and night, was wander aimlessly around as grim parodies of their former selves. They knew that they used to be something, do something and yearned to remember what but could now only reflect a shallow version of that life, in a pitiful imitation. Like children, trying to act like adults, they wandered through streets and towns in a horrific dumb show of what it meant to be human.

Within a few years they swamped humanity, like some vast tidal wave of imbecility. The military of course thought bombing them to hell would reduce their numbers and when that didn't work, they tried the nuclear option and found that backfired: They fried hundreds of thousands, of them but their own populations of normal people, got sick and died from radiation poisoning, worldwide; joining the ranks of living dead and replacing their numbers in droves. The scientists tried this, then that and eventually gave up, after making no headway. The politicians of course talked the hind legs off a donkey and made no difference either (surprise, surprise).

Eventually it became like a scene from the film of HG Wells's 'Time Machine,' only with The Eloi retreating to the caves and barricading themselves in for protection and the monsters surrounding them night and day.

We helped them as best as we could. They were in our domain now and shocked into silence, like the humans in 'Planet of The Apes' - their pride shattered. They are our cattle and we tend them as best as we can. We put them out to pasture during the day, to eat whatever humans eat and take them back in at night, so we can feed off them. They are our breeding stock. How ironic to think that they hunted us to near extinction and now here we are - their saviours, rescuing them from being wiped out by the new dominant force on the Earth. So, you didn't need us and now you do! Life turns full circle. Like Masai warriors, we just take the blood - for the blood is the life and we'll survive in this symbiotic relationship, forever more. I'd stake my life on it.

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