For most of my life, criticism has felt more natural to me than comfort. It’s felt like an automatic reaction rather than something thought out. Immediate. Intense. Familiar.
My inner critic attacks my every thought, my every word, my every move. I’ve followed this pattern of negativity and self-hatred for as long as I can remember.
I think it stems from never feeling comfortable in my own skin. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because I felt so different from my peers. It felt like I didn’t belong. Like I never quite fit into the picture. And that feeling of loneliness made me ashamed of myself.
I judged myself for being too sensitive, too quiet, too distant. From the beginning, I made myself invisible by choice because I thought I wasn’t likeable or acceptable for my personality.
When I’m in a group socializing, I feel extremely awkward. Like I’m standing there incessantly rubbing my sweaty palms together, my facial expressions can often indicate that I’m unwell, and I have trouble speaking at all. I never know when to jump into conversation because I’m mentally preparing for what to say, how to say it, and how to act while doing so. And then, everything faulters. I end up staying quiet the whole time, just consciously in my thoughts, hating myself for not being “normal.” Why do I have to constantly put myself down when I do anything? It’s a question that’s boggled my mind for years.
I believed I was dull, boring, and rather plain. I felt like I just wasn’t good at anything—whether it was a hobby like art or making new friends. I would retreat inward and treat myself cruelly because of it.
There are so many times that great opportunities passed me by because of the intense negativity towards myself. I’d psych myself out of these opportunities telling myself that I’m not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough to handle something bigger for me. There were a couple of moments that I had interviews for dream jobs. One of them being a career in hospitality public relations.
I’ve always had a passion for gastronomy and tourism, and it was a job I really wanted to vie for. After hours, heck days, of mentally trying to prepare, I’d put myself down with those thoughts. I showed up to the interview (gave myself a pat on the back for at least walking in) and got through each question. But when I answered, my voice shook, my demeanor was unsteady, and my mind drifted, automatically criticizing my every word. Afterward, I immediately started crying and yelling at myself for being so awkward and so obviously uncomfortable.
There are times when I shrink myself so small that I literally believe every negative thought about me. I’ll sit there dwelling in certain scenarios from the past or the present and make myself out to be the enemy regardless of the situation.
What’s been difficult to realize is how unfamiliar gentleness feels to me now. It’s not because I don’t need it, but because criticism became the language I learned to speak to myself in.
Comfort can feel foreign sometimes. Even uncomfortable. There are moments where I try to reassure myself and immediately feel resistance, like my mind doesn’t fully believe I deserve kindness.
In most situations I’m generally uncomfortable. Like if someone compliments me, I’ll try my best to steer away from the compliment and continue the conversation. I shy away. I’ve never known how to receive them well because I genuinely don’t believe what someone is telling me because deep down I feel unworthy. And then I realize just how harsh my inner critic is. It won’t even let me accept a simple compliment. I’m noticing just how harsh my self-talk sounds out loud. I practically cringe at the thought.
I’m realizing that when you spend years tearing yourself apart internally, compassion doesn’t come naturally overnight. It has to be practiced repeatedly.
I’m trying to unlearn the idea that I need to earn kindness from myself.
For so long, I believed comfort came from rest after constant productivity. But the truth is, I’ve spent years withholding compassion from myself during the moments when I needed it most.
I’m noticing how quickly my mind moves toward blame when something goes wrong. How instinctively I criticize myself for being emotional, overwhelmed, anxious, or withdrawn. It happens in an instant and I barely realize I’m doing it.
It feels unnatural for me to experience kindness towards myself. Because when criticism has been your default for years, compassion feels almost suspicious.
But I don’t want my inner voice to keep sounding like someone I’m afraid of. I want to learn how to speak to myself with softness instead of shame. With understanding instead of punishment.
I’m still unsure how to go about it, but I know that with practice, patience, and learning to really love myself, I’ll get there.
“Talk to yourself like someone you love.” — Brené Brown
#MentalHealth #Neurodiversity #Depression #ADHD #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Autism #MightyTogether
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