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When You’re Functioning, But Not Really Living
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my life—past events, current situations, and future plans—and it’s made me question if I’m truly moving forward or just existing in a state of stagnation. I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be present in your own life versus simply going through the motions, and whether I’ve been living with intention or just functioning out of habit.
Most of my life I’ve operated on autopilot. It feels like waking up and doing the same thing every single day without even thinking about it. It’s become routine, ordinary, and repetitive. I’m merely just functioning, not truly living. And that’s something that I want to change.
I’ve lived my life by my own set of rules. I always have. Personally, I never like to be told what to do, when to do it, or how to do it. Generally, I like to figure things out on my own without any help. I can be stubborn that way.
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But sometimes, I feel like I need a little guidance, a sense of direction because so far, my rules haven’t helped me achieve the things I want out of life.
I feel like my life is passing me by. I’ve become so functional, so operational, that I forget there’s a whole other life to live. I’ve become somewhat of a hermit. I rarely leave my house unless I have to. But that’s a very lonely space.
More often than not, it’s hard not to compare yourself to others when you notice how full their lives look. Those impressions you get through personally knowing someone or seeing it via social media. Social media is a dangerous rabbit hole to go down if you’re looking to uplift yourself. It just isn’t going to happen.
But right now, I just feel like my life isn’t going anywhere. I feel like I’m just existing. There’s such an emptiness there.
For the past few years, I would say that I’ve been in a mental fog. A dissociative state if you will. I’ve felt out of touch with my emotions in the sense that they don’t hit me fully until later on, when I least expect it.
I want a life where I don’t just feel functional. I want a life that I can fully and wholly be a part of. I’m done sitting back and watch time go by. I’ve learned just how precious time can be because right now it feels like I suddenly woke up after years of hibernation.
Years flew by in a flash. All I know is that I was twenty years old yesterday, but today, let’s just say a lot of time has passed since. I feel old without being old. I feel like I missed out on so many opportunities and experiences because I was in such a state of disconnection for so long.
I’m starting to pay more attention to this and trying to find ways to help myself get out of this bubble I’ve been in. I need change, and I need it now. That’s truthfully how I feel. So, I’m beginning to take more action instead of staying still.
It’s strange to realize how long you can be functioning without really being present in your own life. And what’s sitting with me most is not just that it’s been happening, but that I didn’t fully notice how far I had drifted until now. I don’t know what comes next, but I do know I don’t want to keep existing in a way where I feel this far away from myself.
When was the last time you felt truly present in your own life—not just functioning through it?
“Lost time is never found again.” — Benjamin Franklin
#MentalHealth #Neurodiversity #ADHD #Autism #Depression #Anxiety #MightyTogether
