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Life continues.

64 days
1536 hours
92,160 minutes
5,529,600 seconds

To feel utterly overwhelmed with grief means that you loved so deeply it physically hurt to feel them leave. It’s so hard to remember that when you realize that the red shirt you wore for Valentine’s Day is the same exact shirt you wore two months ago, the same shirt that didn’t get washed for weeks because it smelled like her. It’s the last shirt she saw you in. It’s the shirt that rested against her for the time that felt like an eternity yet wasn’t nearly long enough.
Losing one of the biggest parts of your life is hard and while I’ll get through it, just let me sit with my tears, remembering all the things she said, the things we did, and how I’m forever thankful I had thirty four years with her.
#Grief #grieving #Death #missingmom


missing mom #CheckInWithMe #Grief

Well, next week will be four years since my mom passed away. I keep thinking doing better with dealing with the loss, then BAM! It all comes flooding back again. I was Mom’s only child, and she wasn’t married or in a relationship, so it all kind of fell on me. She has siblings, two of whom came to her funeral, and both of her parents are still living. My grandfather and his wife came, too. My grandmother was in the hospital, so couldn’t. No problem there.

I got a call from the hospital (never a good thing) that Thursday morning, saying Mom had had a massive heart attack, and I should come quickly. Luckily, the hospital was only about 45 minutes away from where I live. I got there in about 30. I talked to the nurses, and later, the doctor, and they wouldn’t say, but I knew it was bad. Over the next 36-ish hours, she was lucid on and off and I was able to contact a few of her friends and some family members and her work. That last afternoon, the Saturday, three of Mom’s close friends were able to come to see her, and she was able to acknowledge them, so she knew that they were there, along with me, and she wasn’t alone.

About half an hour before she passed, she suddenly opened her eyes wide , saying very emphatically that she HAD to get up, while trying to do so. We, mom’s friends and I, along with one of the nurses were holding her arms and legs down to keep her from getting up. You see, she had something called a balloon stent or something like that in her femoral artery that was keeping her heart going. If she had gotten up and that stent had come out of place, she would have bled to death right there, so we had to keep her in the bed. At this point, I don’t believe she knew what was happening around her, but when her heart stopped shortly thereafter, I don’t know. It just tore me up, knowing she didn’t go peacefully. She was in pain until the end, and it just hurts. I miss her so much. She was my best friend, and I feel like she deserved better. It just isn’t fair. She didn’t do anything wrong to deserve to die like that. I love you, Mommy. You were so good, and I miss you every day. I needed to put that in writing. #CheckInWithMe #Grief #deathoaparent #deathofaparent #missingmom