grieving

I’m sorry to rant, but I feel like I need to get some things off my chest. I know this isn’t exactly an encouraging message- but for many of us…. it’s relatable.

The price of independence is steep. I grieve because I am not who I used to be. I miss the person I used to be before these diseases took over. The physical pain is not what grieves me, it’s all of the emotions that come with accepting the fact that I now have limitations. I long to be able to do the things I used to. I feel like I have been robbed of my independence, self worth, hobbies, and my freedom. I miss being able to do things without being afraid of the consequences. I realize that I don’t look sick, and for that I am grateful. I am not seeking attention. I don’t want to burden my loved ones, but sometimes fighting this battle can be desperately lonely. I am constantly torn between “I can’t let this disease determine my quality of life” and “I must accept the defeat and rest”. I barely remember what it was like to be healthy, it all seems like a distant memory. I grieve what my life could have been. I always wanted to be mother. I grieve the children that I will never be able to carry. I grieve because the reality is that there is currently no cure, and I am only getting worse. I grieve because there is a large possibility that I will never be able to live without pain. The uncertainty within all of the “unknowns” of my life haunts me. I’m not depressed, I am grieving. There is a huge difference, and it is normal. Most days I’m able to hide the fact that I’m devastated by this illness, but today is not one of those days.

It's been almost a year since I been on here. Maybe that has been one of my biggest mistakes.
I really not doing well emotionally and it is getting worse. Nothing in particular has happened for me to be emotionally drained. Maybe just tons of little things adding up. I been doing lots of research and they say part of Fibro is the mental health on it.
What I read that research shows that, they don't know what the connection of depression is with fibro. Is it a actual symptom which they are starting to think so, is depression what cause fibro, or is it just the constant pain you are dealing with what gets you depressed. I think it is all above.
I have been trying to declutter everything in my life to keep things simple and easy. That is helping lots. My fatigue is always worse during winter however this summer I just had no motivation, I didn't even take my dog Loki out that much!
This holiday really sucked! We ended up getting covid again before Christmas and this time around it was not as bad. Lot shorter too! But we still going to have Christmas! We made the best out of it and it was feeling like a fun time until my cat got real sick and almost died. So I spent Christmas evening at the emergency for pets. That's is when everything went down hill entering 2023 in a shitty way.
I lost my mom Christmas too. I didn't lose her to death but I did lost her to selfishness. It was one of the scariest and hardest things I had to do to protect my very well being.
Before my I took my cat to the emergency vet, I had called my mom quickly to thank her and let her know what is going on with Tux our cat. She didn't seem to really care and just worried about getting dinner to her. I told her it is my least of worries and I gotta go. I was shocked but didn't think anything of it.
3 hrs into the wait, I get a call from my mother. I thought she was checking in on me, since I was away from my family on Christmas with my poor cat very ill. Nope, she called to insinuate I was lying and making this up in order not to bring her dinner. I was completely blown away. At the end of our conversation she did say to call for an update.
Now I am sick, with an ill cat, away from my family and in the back ground my heart was crushed by my mother.
When I updated her about my cat, while he was in the hospital fighting for his life. She didn't care! Just worried about her turkey dinner, upset no one called to say thank you to her for our gifts and proceeds to tell me that it won't take much for me to freeze some food.
Maybe not for her, but at that time it was a lot for me to do. She argued with me because I told her even though she deserves everything she asked for and on a normal Christmas cheery day as all the years before she got a thank you and turkey dinner, however we were hoping for some consideration to what we are going through and understand that this is not our typical behavior and we are just going through a lot emotionally about our kitty. She was pissed because I stood my ground. Then I didn't hear from her for 5 days! While everyone else was checking on Tux, us and wishing us well, nothing from my mother. I decided I was going to end our relationship and not just because of this one thing, it's something that I have dealt with my whole life. As much as she loves me, as much as I love her and everything she has done for us, she is still very toxic, very negative. She can do no wrong, she can never hurt other. She is only been the hurt and been done wrong by.
I had to say good bye. I know timing is not the greatest cause she is 75, but I can't control my health. She knew before this how my plate is really full but she just kept adding to it. I wrote her a 6 page letter.
Then the day after she called. Acting like nothing was wrong, didn't ask about my kitty. I told her she hurt me by insinuating I was lying and how she was just worried about herself and she didn't even call to check up on us. Well it didn't go great and thought how accurate my friend was.
My friends wrote me this and I quote...
"Oh also ‘Silence’ is huge. They keep saying things to get under your skin or speak ‘their’ truth.., DONT SPEAK! they don’t and won’t understand anything but silence. It’s so hard not to defend yourself or try and make them understand but they are hardwired to crave the back and forth chaos. Don’t give them the satisfaction."
I realized I was giving her that satisfaction. Unfortunately my last words to my mom was I am done with us.
I haven't said a word to her. I brought her, house keys back, brought her that stupid turkey dinner plus turkey soup, her Christmas gift and her letter.
She called lots and kept leaving messages, more about herself, then turned into manipulation and the back to poor me. With every message she leaves I know more and more that I am doing the right thing. After all I am just trying to keep thing simple and I just need and craving peace in my life. Surround myself with people who love and support me. Show my kindness when my illness gets to me. I am very blessed to have that with my husband, kids and a few friends. I make sure I don't take them for granted and apologize if I have been difficult. Not just expect them to show me the same kindness all the time and let them have their frustration with me. Cause I know I am not the only one that my fibromyalgia affects.
Please pray for my mom, even though she is in the wrong, losing a daughter is probably tough as hell and pray for me. Pray I find my peace, pray for my healing.
Thanks
#Fibromyalgia #grieving

I’ve been depressed for over 40 years, had therapy for 10 yrs. and all I can say is that it’s just not that simple to “snap out of it” like most “normal “ think. It takes over your whole life. And for some reason bad things always come my way. #grieving the loss of my daughter #PTSD#Anxiety#gastro issues #Feeling paralyzed

Hi. I just joined. I have a lot going on in my life and I just can’t talk with people in my circle. I heard about this site and figured I would give it a try. Glad to be here. #Grief #grieving #standingstill #movingforward