neurospicy

I have been trying to wrap my head on this for a couple of years now and haven’t even told many people. I only “admitted “ it to my PCP a few months ago.
I have struggled with my mental health since puberty. Depression, anxiety, ‘mania’, etc. and I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 at the age of 23. It felt horrible and amazing to know there was this name for the stuff I had struggled with. I was given several medications and told to go on my merry way.
I will not get too far into the details of my ups and downs but the next several years were additional diagnoses including fibromyalgia. I spent the next 20 years on (and off of my own doing) on an SSRI, bupropion, and lithium. All the standard treatments for my diagnosis.
The years added more issues and diagnosis, chronic pain and fatigue, Hashimoto’s, and other autoimmune disorders. I refused to let these hold me back and as is my way….which is more clearly understood now…I researched and decided others should know they are not alone. I was very vocal and open about my Bipolar and the struggles of living with it. I told my story to people, wrote several thesis papers in college, and I have been told my work helped people.
Forward 20 years later and I found an amazing psychiatrist who listened and changed medications to some terrific new treatments and for the first time I was so much more than the barely making it above being depressed to feeling like a “normal” person. Then one day after having finally being stabilized and my mental health so much better she says to me, “So what have they given you for your ADHD?”

“What ADHD?”

After this discovery and managing it well my entire outlook changed. As usual (seems it is because of my neurospicy self) I researched everything I could on my ADHD diagnosis. I discovered how so much of my life, habits, behaviors, etc. were now clear.

I had spent years thinking I was broken and couldn’t understand so much of my behaviors and why I couldn’t control certain things I did (or didn’t do). The shift in my understanding of the world brought me to tears and I started to give myself the forgiveness I needed.

I was doing really well and working on the tools I needed to be the best me and loving all the parts of me. THEN my doctor pulled out the rug.

She told me , “You don’t have bipolar disorder. Your undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and atypical depression look very much like it. You were misdiagnosed.”

I spent so much time thinking the Bipolar was a part of me, and spoke openly about it. Educated people on what it is to live with it. Worked to help remove the stigma of Bipolar……. So now what was I? A liar, a fake, spreading misinformation to people? I felt horrible and wanted to go back through the last 20+ years and apologize for everything I had spoken about, every paper I wrote, every time I told someone I had BPD but was successful in spite of the struggle. I was at a loss now of how to handle this new definition of myself.

After time and therapy and working through these issues I have finally reached a place of clarity and understanding. I am more than a diagnosis, I still did good in the world by talking about my mental health, I spoke from a place of integrity and the things I spoke about were still my experiences regardless of my diagnosis, and I did make a difference.

I am enough, YOU are enough….regardless of the diagnoses…..regardless of good times or bad…..regardless of your prescriptions…… we are enough! #Bipolar1 #neurospicy #ADHD