actuallyautistic

Don't take out your frustrations on your child's disability. I wouldn't get rid of my autism if I had the chance to #Ableism #Autism #ParentsOfChildrenWithSpecialNeeds #Parents #InternalizedAbleism #AutismAcceptance #actuallyautistic

I've written before about how I was misdiagnosed as bipolar for a few decades, and the therapies and various prescription medicines never helped me. In fact, they nearly killed me.

In my last year on the meds, I got lithium toxicity, and was rushed to a trauma center a hundred miles from home, and spent a week in ICU. That was the autumn of 2021, and I am still recovering now in February 2023.

Yesterday I saw my third psychiatrist in a row who told me I had never been bipoloar, but I am Autistic. This time he put it all on paper, and entered it into my medical records. I guess that means it's official. Or maybe 'I' am official? Nah. I'm still just me.

I never had an inkling that I might be Autistic before sometime last summer, when I read a story in The Mighty by someone who found out accidentally that she was Autistic while she was having one of her children tested and assessed. When she described her life and her challenges, she sounded to me like she was describing my own life.

From that point onward, I started reading everything that I could get my hands on about the Autism Spectrum.

Then there were the internet tests, the books with tests, and finally talking to doctors and to Autistics.

Eventually, I was convinced beyond any reason of a doubt that I myself was, and am Autistic. Thereafter, I brought it up with my psychiatrist, and it took off from there.

That brings me back to yesterday, and the third psychiatrist to agree, and who added it into my medical record.

Now if I can get my General Practitioner to remove the bipolar label from my record there, I will feel like I can finally relax a little.

I don't have a problem with bipolar in itself. I just have a major problem with being misdiagnosed for decades and spending the bulk of my money on therapy and prescriptions that kept me physically exhausted and in a heavy mental fog for decades, and didn't help me in any way. I feel like the majority of my life was wasted.

So to have the label removed from my records is removing a constant painful reminder of all the life that I missed in my youth and middle age.

I am going to spend the rest of my years as a happy, grateful Autistic old dude. Peace be with you all.
♾️♾️♾️
🖖

#Autistic #actuallyautistic #audhd #ADHD #Autism #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutismAcceptance #Stimming #Dysgraphia #dyscalcula #pathologicaldemandavoidance #PDA #AutisticInertia #AutisticBurnout
#EFD #ExecutiveFunctionDisorder #executivedysfunction #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria #RSD
#ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #rad #MajorDepressiveDisorder #MDD #Dysthymia #Specialinterest
#Hyperfocus #hypervigilant #SensoryOverstimulation #SensoryIssues #SensoryPain

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The Holidays For me As A Black Autistic Woman

We all love the holidays don’t we? Family, food, festive gatherings, gifts etc… well me personally I hate them! Here’s why. We come together and bond over food with our family we bond over gift exchanging we bond over catching up with what those we haven seen in awhile are doing, its all love languages its all love, so how could you Hate, Love? Love can be triggering too, as a late diagnosed autistic I was and still am looked at as rude and stand offish meanwhile I’m just trying not to faint from sensory overload , yes it’s great to see family you haven’t seen in a while its beautiful they all came together, cooking for each other is a act of love but for me… seeing too many people at once especially those I’m not really used to, gives me anxiety, being forced to eat different foods made by different people ( because turning down food at a black gathering is a crime) with different taste, textures, smells, the mixture of all the different smells and seasonings because you know seasoning is important, the overload of the different range of and tones of voices all running together etc is adding to the sensory overload you are already having from the overstimulation from everyone wanting to and proceeding to hug you because there haven’t seen you in awhile, its A LOT and while it may seem harmless those that don’t understand autism and doing harm by not even attempting to learn about it I don’t fault my family or black community because a black face has never been the face of autism and a black women has definitely never been the face of autism, luckily at black family gatherings there’s a coat room you know the designated room where all the coats are in a room on someones bed ( which by the way bothers me because that’s outside clothes on a bed) but that’s besides the point, there’s a always a room with coats and occasionally a sleeping baby, but my point is its quite there and I can escape and hide there until I’m physically and mentally able to somewhat function around everyone again, to avoid being called rude or being in a bad mood or being disrespectful , black grandmothers and elders do not tolerate disrespect and what black grandmothers do you that are familiar with autism and autistic traits? Not many if their not doctors, teachers, or some other type of expert etc. so while the holidays are great for some and I love my family and relatives The Holidays for me as a Black Autistic Woman are something that I celebrate being over #Autism #Autistic #AutismAcceptance #actuallyautistic #autizzy #SensoryProcessingDisorder #SensoryOverload #Neurodiversity #neurospicy #neurodivergent

From the very beginning, my wife and I have been extremely careful about Covid-19. We stayed home, wore surgical masks when we did go out, used hand cleaner profusely, and did other things, as well. Up until last week, we were covid-free.

But my wife's mother in a nursing home in another state was going downhill, and my wife wanted to see her again. I supported her, and still do. But while she was there, they had a breakout of Covid-19 in the nursing home, and 19 patients caught it, my wife's mother being one of them. She came home, and by the time she got here, she was sick. She took a test, and it was positive for Covid-19. I started getting sick, as well, and now I have it, too.

It is rough. It's worse than any flu I have ever had, and almost as bad as pneumonia so far. I don't know if I will get worse or better from here, but because we have both had all our vaccines, I suspect that we won't get too much worse. That's the assumption and hope anyway.

We're lucky to be where we are, I guess. Late in the pandemic, and having had our shots. I'm glad we didn't catch it early, when it was apparently stronger, and no vaccines or treatments existed. I feel bad for all those people. I'm just trying to look on the positives, and not let this drag me farther down into the pit of depression. Count your blessings, in other words. Because this feels like crap. Have a nice day everyone. ♣

Growing up undiagnosed, I was always the odd one out. Whether it was my weird quirks, my executive functioning challenges, my daydreaming or simply the fact how I perceived and did everything differently - achieving the same result but choosing the route most people wouldn’t consider and no, my routes usually weren’t shortcuts.

My brain needs logic. My brain needs answers. My brain can’t move on if I don’t have logic or answers. Ironically, at the same time – my brain is hyperactive. It can’t stop working. It jumps from one thing to another, not being able to stop. That is the beauty and sometimes a curse of having ADHD and Autism together. At times, it’s like having two forces working against each other.

On many occasions I remember thinking to myself or sharing with my mother that I wasn’t made for this world. Not that the world was cruel to me. I have been blessed in more ways than I can count but I felt the odd one out. Always. In every situation.

Such a beautiful blue sky. Is it looking blue to everyone? Or is my perception of blue different than others? - My communication differences in terms of interpretations were so stark that I began second guessing everything I was seeing.

Then there was eye contact.

Eye contact was and I guess still is the standard for respectful communication. On the surface, I never had trouble making eye contact. Inside my mind though, I had trouble tracking the conversations because I was forcefully focused on maintaining the eye contact and then the stress of making sure that my non-verbal communication was appropriate. Am I smiling enough? Oh no – my lips are quivering? And then my eye would start blinking rapidly.

I thought I was weird. I started acting like an extrovert to hide my quirks and my challenges with executive functioning. In many cultures, executive functioning challenges of a person who has no visible disability are deemed as laziness or are assigned other such labels.

Now that I know about my neurodivergence – I have extended some grace to myself. I no longer call myself lazy or assign labels to myself that the world once assigned to me.

I understand why I struggle to maintain consistency.

I understand why I forget things.

I understand that sometimes I eat for stimulation – just to keep my brain excited.

I understand why I am unable to do routine tasks that come naturally to most people.

I extend myself grace when my house is messy, or when the sink is full of dirty dishes.

I understand and accept that it’s okay to need help and it’s okay to need support and accommodations.

I know now that my brain works differently and instead of forcing it to be more like other people’s brain, I now want it to be the best version of itself.

Not better or worse than others because it’s not a comparison.

Just the best it can be.

I don’t know whether this post makes sense or not – there are many things I haven’t shared and want to but articulating my personal experiences into words for others to understand is probably one of the hardest things I have done.

Until next time.

#Neurodiversity #Autism #ADHD #actuallyautistic #neurodivergence #mylife #KindTheory #Acceptance #Selfacceptance #myinternalchaos

Picture ID: Photo of a multi-colored beautiful brain representing neurological variants and brain diversity.