notstrongenough

There are some who do see me as a strong person, but most times I feel like that’s a lie. I wish I was as strong as the person the world sees, but I feel the opposite. Most times I put on a brave face so that I won’t have to say what’s really happening, sometimes that backfires. My mission in life for most of my teenage years up to now was/is to stay as “invisible” as possible or remain “anonymous” to the rest of the world. Mostly because in my mind, “me” isn’t very important, even though I’m told otherwise. #MentalHealth #negative self image #notstrongenough #braveface #lowselfsteem

Each day I feel emotionally weak, exhausted and defeated. I’m unmotivated to feel optimistic about my future. Pessimism through & through. I could never see a bright future. People often ask me why do I feel this way? “Look on how much you’ve accomplished!” Somehow I could never see or realize them. I feel all of those things I’ve done doesn’t really mean anything to me.

I feel I carry to much weight on my shoulders. Just dragging a big boulder with a chain going up on a muddy hill. Doesn’t matter how hard I work or dedicated I am, they’re never good enough. The feeling of being looked down like some kind of unwanted guest, a pariah or outcast.

#Depression is a burden I must carry and carry alone. I don’t expect anyone to step up front or right beside me for support. I don’t know what its like to be fought for or defended. It’s very difficult to believe or convince myself I am good enough. I suppose I am not. Might as well accept that fate and walk through this earth with a dark cloud hovering over me. It is what it is.

I’ll just keep on walking I guess. I’m fine with that.

I am grateful my parents have made it a full year since they were both diagnosed with stage 4 Cancer. They were diagnosed 2 days apart. It has been a nightmare year for all of my family and I have not handled it the way I had hoped. I wish I was stronger and could help more without constantly falling apart. I’ve never felt this level of sadness and hopelessness before. #cancersucks #sicknotweak #notstrongenough #Heartbroken

Having only recently found out that my years of feelings of anger, not-belonging, and not being good enough are actually depression, when I need help but don’t want to ask for it as I see that as weakness, what can I do instead? This consumes my entire being and it’s tearing me apart.

I have depression, anxiety, chronic neuropathic pain, disabled on left side from bellybutton down, and lots of other fun things that have ruined my life in so many ways.
People always tell me I’m strong, but I’m not. I wasn’t given a choice.
So here I am. Broken. Alone. Alone even though I have an amazing husband of 14 years and 2 wonderful kids. They are there and they try to help but everyday I fight to not give in. To not end it all. To stop the pain. But I cant’t do that to my family. But I also don’t know how I’m going to keep going. I wish there were some type of drop in meetings like AA for suicide. ##notstrongenough