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Rep Raskin on CNN today

Did anyone catch Representtaive Raskin on Jake Tapper’s State of the Union show on CNN this morning?
It brought me to tears. I broke down in fact.
I think it affected me so strongly because he said the son’s suicide note said his “illness had won today” and I use that expression when it’s a very bad day. I do have #SuicidalThoughts at times and it just triggered me. Anyone else. ? #Suicide #sicknotweak #Depression


Sick not weak

For some #MentalIllness is a passing episode, where they are able to recover. For others, it's an undiagnosed condition that has just been there, until it is diagnosed. There's no off switch for my #Depression and #Anxiety . There's no avoiding or pretending; its exhausting. I may not see the sun for days, avoid people like; well a plague. Somehow, someway, I rise. #sicknotweak


On Chaos and Wanting to Feel Better

About 8 years ago my sister asked me if I thought I was addicted to anything. She was trying to help me get into a facility focused on mental health and addiction. I gave it some thought and told her, “If anything I'm addicted to chaos”. I knew that sounded weird, but my life had been chaotic since I was little. And since chaos was so often around I must be addicted to it. Somewhat surprisingly to me both she and the facility accepted my theory. I started treatment the next week. 
 I was 36 at that time and had already been through 3 marriages, at least 20 jobs, and 15 moves. I knew I had so many problems and tried very hard to correct them but I couldn't. At least not consistently. Thus chaos was all around me. 
Since chaos was all around me I must be addicted to it, right? I thought so then and continued to do so for years. But I didn't want chaos. Didn't enjoy it, didn't crave it, didn't need it. It gave me no high or satisfaction. So I started to look deeper and saw that chaos really wasn't my addiction. It was a consequence. A consequence of wanting to feel better. From wanting to feel better? Really? Yes and yes. Unusual for sure, but true. 
I was desperate to feel better and had been for a long time. Things around me had been yucky since I was little and kept getting more yucky. My mom had an anxiety disorder and my dad was bipolar. Neither was diagnosed and had no treatment. That caused real problems for us. On top of their issues I was a mess inside. A mess that kept getting worse and worse causing even more problems. I was suffering from undiagnosed mental illness too. I longed for us to have good health instead of illness, steadiness instead of instability, and unity instead of being alone and out of place. Most of all I desperately wanted to feel better. 
All that wanting to feel better would bring chaos. I would do things that were unwise- overspending money, immoral- messing up marriage and being a father, and even illegal- felony theft. All fueled by my desperation to feel better. As weird as it sounds, wanting to feel better brought chaos. Truly it did. Ask anyone involved in my past and they'd tell you. 
I'm sharing my experience hoping to enlighten and encourage. To enlighten you to see how a person with chaos always around them does not mean they're addicted to it. And I'm encouraging anyone surrounded by chaos to seek true help. I'm also encouraging anyone who sees another in chaos to try to help in some way. It was my seeking and finding help that things have gotten much less chaotic. Together we can make things better. 
 #sicknotweak #Bipolar #OCD

1 comment

#Depressionis NOT about who has it worse

I am on some mental-health-related groups and 1 question that keeps popping out very often and everywhere is "Why are u depressed?".It's the first thing that anyone asks when u tell them that u suffer from depression.
For me, this is turning out to be a REALLY big issue.

First of all: depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is WHY I have depression,not a situation.
Of course,bad things that happen in our life (and that most times are caused or worsen by depression) make depression worse and it’s just a vicious circle that seems to never end.
But if ur troubles (financial, love, family, etc) is all u have,that’s being worried for ur future.And feeling bad about it is a normal emotional reaction to that situation and it's what every person in the world would feel like.Anyone would feel bad if they don’t have money to pay the bills or rent...or if they lost a loved one or the love of your life married someone else.It's called having emotions.But if when those situations would be fixed you’d be ok, that’s just being sad/worried/alone.
Depression is so much more than that.
I can be depressed and have 1 million $ in the bank.I can be depressed and have all my family and friends next to me, but still feel alone and unwanted. I could have everything work right in my life and still feel like i can’t breathe.
Do financial troubles make depression worse?Yes, of course.I need money for therapist, meds.If i have no money, i can’t afford the treatment i need to help my depression.But does that mean that financial troubles are the cause of the depression? NO WAY!
Does being alone make my depression worse? Yes, cause i feel worthless and unlovable and like nobody in this world would want me in their life.It's like depression telling me every day: "See?told u that nobody cares about u".Would having friends there for me,that understand depression & are supportive help my depression? Sure! Would it cure it? NO!
I think this is turning out to be a really important thing that we need to talk about because some people (myself included) start to feel like they don't have it bad enough to be depressed.Like HE has lost his wife/kids/house, of course he's depressed.But I have my family and my friends,and my house and my job,so I have no reason to be depressed. But I am,so I feel like the worst person in the world because I can't appreciate the good things in my life.And it makes it harder to open up or search help cause i am not bad enough to be depressed, right?
But that's how depression works...You might have 10,000 things working out well in your life and depression will not let you enjoy them. And if someone tells you "but here's what's good in your life" he's just making it worse, cause you already know it...and it feels like everyone else thinks you are unappreciative and can't stop complaining for any stupid reason.
You don't need a GOOD reason to be depressed. It's NOT a competition!
#sicknotweak #Depression  #DepressionAndMentalHealth


Losing my parents😢

I am grateful my parents have made it a full year since they were both diagnosed with stage 4 Cancer. They were diagnosed 2 days apart. It has been a nightmare year for all of my family and I have not handled it the way I had hoped. I wish I was stronger and could help more without constantly falling apart. I’ve never felt this level of sadness and hopelessness before. #cancersucks #sicknotweak #notstrongenough #Heartbroken


Fighting ourselves #Depression #Anxiety #sicknotweak

I was on the brink of having a bad day, everything kept trying to keep me down, and a felt myself turning back to that self hating and self sabotaging person that I'm accustomed to. I kept telling myself over and over, "Nope not today! This isn't my fault!" Even though I knew I could have done things differently, I refused to let it all fall on me. Our minds turn to that negative space out of habit. Training our minds out of fighting ourselves is difficult, but not impossible.


This is my Exodus #Depression #Anxiety #sicknotweak

It's been a rough year to say the least, I'm tired of being tired. Tired of not being good enough, etc. This is my Exodus...I'm here for as long as He needs me. I'll probably always deal with Depression and Anxiety, that's ok. Whether you believe in religion, mother Earth, the universe, etc. at my loneliest, deep down I know I'm not alone.

Donald Lawrence & the Tri-City Singers featuring Le’Andria Johnson ‘Sunday Best’ Performance "Deliver Me (This is My Exodus)" via @YouTube


You matter, you're important, that is all!

I'm here to tell you-you're a rockstar. Keep being you, as raw as you are, as much as you struggle, there's a reason. You may not know it now, it may feel horrible... but you're going through everything now for a purpose.
#KeepTalkingMH #anewdawnaa #youmatter #sicknotweak #aces #CPTSD #Bipolar #Anxiety #Depression #selfcare #encouragement


The Void #sicknotweak #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2 #Bipolar1 #Anxiety #Depression #Suicide #Missingmybrother

This is a poem written by my brother when he was 27 years old he died by suicide in 2009

The Void
How do you fight with a void?
Logically, turn your back to it and dive into the joys of life.
But the void surrounds me, separating me from the world of the living.
It eats enjoyment, desire, imagination and purpose.
Through it, the world seems on real and untouchable.
Actions I make in the void or without feeling or satisfaction.
Music sometimes filters through, but the good memories it brings can also bring an unquenchable longing.
I cannot walk out of the void.
I cannot drive out of the void. It follows me around, devouring silver linings.
Bringing only darkness, fear, regret, paranoia and loneliness in the biggest group of people.
Lonely with friends-I have nothing to say,
so I mumble, or even avoid people.
Sometimes I rummage through boxes full of odds and ends I’ve accumulated, looking for myself.
It seems the only things I do are the types one has to do-things I wouldn’t enjoy out of the void-
cleaning litter box, dishes, making bed.
Automatic things like showering, shaving, brushing teeth, etc. are forced.
Reading seems to keep my mind occupied.
Most forms of art, including animation and design just remind me what I’m not.
The void doesn’t make everything seem against me, but things make me feel worthless and a failure.
If I met myself at 10, the 10-year-old me would be intimidating.
He would be disgusted with me, being so confident himself

Daniel Pepper
August 9, 1993


I'm normally a Strong Woman. Right now I am small.

I'm in an episode. I'm so uncertain. I spend my life reaching out to people struggling with mental illness and lately I've been very stable. While washing the dishes tonight, an episode started. I'm breaking down. I feel so small. I feel so many things at once that I don't even know how to describe my feelings but I'll try for therapy's sake. I feel guilty. I feel empty. I feel worried anxious afraid. I feel angry. I feel lost. I'm grieving my divorce. I cope so well and I live my life in a way that I can be proud of. I work hard to stay healthy. I'm a Strong Person. That's important to me. But in an episode I believe terrible things like that I'm a bad person or worthless or a burden or so twisted that no one should love me . I believe that I should die and just get out get gone. I've had 2 failed suicide attempts and I will never do that again but it doesn't stop me from obsessing about the what-ifs. What if I could How would I do it Could I get my ex-husband to do it with me It's sick. I'm sick. I'm #sicknotweak as I would say on twitter. But I feel weak. Please someone tell me I'm still worthy. Someone tell me this gets better. Someone tell me I'm not a monster. Someone tell me I'm not doing this for attention that it wasn't my choice. Someone tell me I didn't do this to myself. I am so so so sad. #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bpdisexhausting #Guilt #sad #Anxiety #MixedEpisodes #ManicEpisodes #Psychosis #Depression #DepressionSymptoms