oneday

So I find myself these days haven pretty much given up on any type of a romantic relationship. It’s like I just want made to have them. Something inside me isn’t wired properly to even be able to start them. So, #oneday has become #maybesomeday which has give way like a landslide to #whybother and his wingman #DontBotherGettingExcited . It always ends in the same place; right back where I started - nowhere. (Saying this full well knowing that it’s 100% me and I need to solve my own shit and get over it)
Somedays I convince myself I’m cool with it…

So I ask - this can’t just be me, right?

Everyday I wake up with the conviction that one day I will commit suicide. Just not today.
#firstthinginthemorning #Suicide #oneday

Just for one day I would like to wake up, feel refreshed and not have the following thought enter my mind "too bad you didn't die in your sleep." It would also be nice to be able to go to sleep without the thought "hopefully this is my last night of suffering on earth."  I know that many folks consider these thoughts to be suicidal ideation but I have lived with these thoughts daily for more than 40 years and in that time I have spent more than 30 years in therapy.  Even my many therapists have no cure or surefire way to deal with it.   Most of the time I can reframe my thinking.  But there are a few days a month where the thoughts of death are intrusive and tear at my self-esteem and self-worth where all of the reframing in the world cannot put the thoughts to rest.