whybother

First, you'd think I could just type but no, let's make sure you don't forget HASHTAGS. Super annoying that the app assumes I don't know how so inserts one as soon as I type. This only makes my
#Anxiety work itself up which leads to #Depression . Which then leads to... why bother? There's no simple way to just share a joke or note and when I really need to feel connected... what a let down. Feels just like the way my mom treats me #neglect as if I am a spoiled child. She never was bullied her entire life, she didn't have to hide # Hidradenitis as best she could because her mom wouldn't take her to the dang Dr and then only went once, decided it would clear up and not even provide proper bandages for wounds I shouldn't have been going to school with! And just like my HS, my # RA started at 13 but not a diagnosis until 35. So now that I found out I'm screwed for surgery, meds all because of a crap dentist so I have 5 or 6 roots that must be surgically removed and not ONE DOCTOR EVER talked about the RISKS with any of this with me. I haven't had a Dr ask anything that actually might have helped- and they don't listen. I even had some fun reactions to sulfasalizine because no one asked about my dental health. I am tired, I have no one to turn to. I have no interest in making friends, irl no one has ever asked me anything. I have heard " oh I just assumed..." more times in my life by people who called ME their BEST FRIEND. In fact, the one person I did think was my best friend was really just a friend of convenience. Only around when no one else was available or broke up with her latest bf. She actually got mad at me for moving back to my mom's. Nevermind my mom decided to move and didn't care if I had a place to live. Within a month everything was shit. I lost my job, my car blew up and was towed, my sister I ended up living with had lied about her roommate being a friend when she was just someone she met ONCE at a sci-fi convention! She was a drug addict. My sis called my mom after 8 months, apparently because it was so awful. I only found out after she borrowed money and bought a van ( that was barely running, it didn't make the whole trip) and decided we were moving. My BEST friend actually kept acting as if I was abandoning her. She literally tried to make me feel bad for doing what I needed to do. She has been there before she knows better, except she only had to bat her lashes or cry about her dead parent and everyone fell over themselves to help. She flirted her way thru life.
Never mind she did nothing for anyone, all innuendo and flirting. Now I didn't judge any of that until I moved. I came back to visit by BUS, and was immediately introduced to her NEW BEST FRIEND. I tried to let that go but it seemed the more I learned about this friendship , the more it seemed very off. Never mind, already cut off.
#whybother

So I find myself these days haven pretty much given up on any type of a romantic relationship. It’s like I just want made to have them. Something inside me isn’t wired properly to even be able to start them. So, #oneday has become #maybesomeday which has give way like a landslide to #whybother and his wingman #DontBotherGettingExcited . It always ends in the same place; right back where I started - nowhere. (Saying this full well knowing that it’s 100% me and I need to solve my own shit and get over it)
Somedays I convince myself I’m cool with it…

So I ask - this can’t just be me, right?

#whybother

For over a year I have been struggling to find a reason to live.
I decided to go back to university to do Nutrition and Behavior.
Bit of background, at 27 I had an accident and fractured my spine in 6 places. Left a part time job at Lidls to work for Boots opticians full time. My first full time job so excited got through the training super quick 68% in 2 weeks and it was meant to last 3 months!
Sadly they fired me with no real reason given.
Fighting pain daily and the confidence hit was big.
Finally get a job with H&B health store but my mental health has declined with no reason to live. I decide to go back to uni all excited and everything finally signed and dated.
The course is only run on a Tuesday. Bare in mind I only work less than 20 hours a week. My boss tells me he will have to cut my hours to replace the Tuesday shift.
Here in lies the problem. I am on Universal credit, if I work less than 16 hours then I have to work full time looking for full employment so bye bye Uni.
What the heck am I meant to do. Tuesday is possible without me but my boss just wants to go home early on a Tuesday, this guy has everything and is 5 months younger than me. Wife, kid, house soon, full time job and he is a manager.
Typical story of people that have it all take everything from those who have nothing.
My choice
Uni or financial security.
I have nothing going for me right now, no money, no family(except mum), no friends, job I tolerate.
Uni was the only thing I had to look forward to and now I can't have that.
It was meant to be a way out of this life.
Even the thought of postponing uni for a year is causing me to fall apart.
I don't think I can hold on much longer.
The only thing that has stopped me doing the drastic is the pain it would cause my mum but even that feels like a small reason to keep living through all this loneliness and pain.
All I can think of is if I could just have a live hug tight and long just something to tell me my life is worth it other than words.
Work won't care if I'm dead I would be replaced in a heaetbeat.
I need some real answers to why I shouldn't.
Because right now I feel like I'm a decade away from having a fraction of a decent life.
I am trans and the waiting lists are over 5 years.

#SuicidalThoughts #Depression #Pain #Anxiety #whybother #Agoraphobia #Transman #help

This morning, I’ve seemed to be full of ‘why’ questions. Many of which I feel don’t have answers. I feel totally frustrated, angry, hopeless, among other things. Why should I hold on to anything if nothing really stays? Why should my life be looked at as valuable if all I feel is invisible in a world full of people? Why do I hold such hope and compassion for people who only care about what they can get out of life for themselves? Why do I create space for people whom I feel don’t care for me as much as I care for them? Why should I keep showing up for people who only care when I’ve stopped coming around? Just... Why? And I keep putting myself through hell every time. Maybe it would be better to close myself off from the world... I’ve become soured by life. I’ve given up looking for signs of good because my heart has been broken enough times while looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and always finding fool’s gold. My life, among other things, don’t seem to have the importance it once had, and all I want is to vanish into thin air. #Depression #MentalHealth #whybother #why #hurtandangry #frustrated #alienated #questions #angry #Lostmyjoy #hopelessness #isolated #aloneinlife #givingup #Lossofcontrol #ivehadenough

I feel intensely depressed, guilty, lonely, sad, frustrated, and many other things. I feel like it would be better for me to just disappear. More so than ever, I feel very, very alone in the world. Maybe the day of my leaving this world is better than me being alive at this point. If I died today, I could think of five people who would care, everyone else has seemed to forgotten about me or has left me behind for other people and things. Nothing really matters, not even myself. #Depression #MentalHealth #feelinglonely #FeelingEmpty #Feelingsad #feelingaloneandlost #Lostmyjoy #Lostinlonliness #lostinlife #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideIdeation #lowselfesteem #whybother #Guilt #Loneliness #frustration #moods #intenseemotions

Another reminder today that as ever I try too hard with everyone in my life. They can smell my desperation for connection a mile off. The more I give the less I get. I just end up feeling like a total dick for putting myself out there and being ignored or rejected. 🙁

I know I have so many positive things but I feel hopeless and feel like I just shouldn't be here

Why does it seem I’m always someone’s last thought? Friend visiting from away, didn’t want to bug her everyday so I messaged her today to see if she had time for a date and she says no, she’s all booked up. Leaves in two days. Could have this morning but apparently didn’t bother to message me to see if I wanted to have a coffee. It always feels this way. Makes my depression so much worse #Depression #whybother

I don’t even know why I keep posting stuff here. It’s not like anyone gives a shit anyway. Most people pretend to be. And when I do post my thoughts, I get trolled just like Facebook. I’m not even gonna explain why I’m feeling like this. It has fallen on deaf ears. #Whatever People will move on regardless if I kill myself or not.