pacemakerhost

Today I had my second run of case meeting with my hematologist, immunologist, obgyn & psychiatrist. This was a follow-up meeting that held to discuss about my “current” condition which seems like it has no end of story.
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You know what? I was cried at that meeting. When my doctors offered me with their treatment option plan, I just couldn’t let myself to accept those option. After all this time, I was a very patience patient who patiently follow through all the treatments. I always say yes to each and every treatment they offer me. But only for now, I’ve reached my threshold. This is my limit and I couldn’t accept anything beyond my limits. No bargain.
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I feel somewhat my doctors kind of a hyperexcited into my case. I know I am “unique”. And I can’t blame if my case make them on fire. But being an “unique” patient is one thing, and being a critical patient is another thing. I tell myself that start from now on, I will show my attitude. If I feel that I’m not pleased with the treatment option they offer to me, then I will say no. Explicitly. I deserve to choose what kind of treatment I am willing to do, without sacrifing myself.
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Don’t get me wrong... I’m not angry with my doctors. I trust them with all of my heart. I don’t mean to be difficult. I just want being bolder with my decision. And I’m not giving up. I only choose another pathway. I also still deserve all the credit in the world for my strength, positivity, determination, and resilience in battling my illness. Because I’m warrior.
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“The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win the battles without we know nothing about”
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Notes : we’ll have another case meeting next month, until they feel I stable enough without their intensive monitoring.
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#journalife #quotesoftheday #InvisibleIllness #ChronicIllness #MentalIllness #Spoonie #AutoimmuneDisease #HeartDisease #Pacemaker #autoimmunewarrior #depressionfighter #pacemakerhost

“Unless they're superhuman, nobody's going to look perfect all the time” - Kaia Gerber.
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So you said I am the stronger one. You said I am brave and have courage. You said I am your inspiration. You said I am the true definition of a tough woman. But this time, I'm also strong and brave enough to say this to you; Yes, I am sick. And I feel tired of being sick and tired.
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Please don't get me wrong. I always give my best to stay strong. I always try my best to fight this illness. And I never gave up. But after all, I am only a human. I am still a human who has limits and can feel tired. I am still a human who can feel pain and soreness. I am not a superhuman.
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Do you think that because I’ve been suffering from this illness for years, then I'm getting used to it? No... that will never the case. I may have a higher pain tolerance than you. I might not show my pain to you. But it's totally different from being numb. It still feels painful and intense. And sometimes it's unbearable.
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Now, I'm standing here to tell you this; No, I’m not as strong as you think. I also have fear of facing my illness. There is a lot of blood and tears to fight this illness. There is a lot of rejection and disappointment in any acceptance. There are many ups and downs until finally I can admit that I am sick, and I may have to give up on my old life.
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Although, I always tell myself that life is about managing this illness and getting up again. Life is also about making new adjustments and rebuilding my life again. And life is about never giving up your life. Because we all want to live. We want this as much as we can, and that’s why we fight for our lives until the end.
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Just sometimes, I need to remind myself that I also have a permission to feel tired. To have a break. To stop fighting this illness. To accept my limitation. To admit that I am sick. And to show others that I have tried, but this time I lost.
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I relapse.
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#journalife #quotesoftheday #InvisibleIllness #ChronicIllness #MentalIllness #Spoonie #AutoimmuneDisease #HeartDisease #Pacemaker #autoimmunewarrior #depressionfighter #pacemakerhost

Sorry, I’ve Reach My Threshold!

I’m Not a Superhuman

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