Why My Complex PTSD Makes Me Turn Down Your Social Invitations

Dear friends and family,

I want to attend your birthday parties. I want to attend your holiday gatherings. I want to attend the momentous occasions in your lives. I even want to attend the routine happenings that make up your world. And yet, I respond to your invitations with “no thank you,” “maybe next time” and white lies. I choose not to attend. You may ask me, “how can you say you want to attend and yet you choose not to?” The answer: I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD).

• What is PTSD?

My childhood and adolescence were comprised of physical and emotional neglect, physical and emotional abuse, exposure to domestic violence, addiction, parental mental illness, jail and divorce. As a result, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. C-PTSD includes all the symptoms of PTSD along with additional symptoms. PTSD symptoms include avoiding certain situations; changes in beliefs or feelings about yourself and others; hyperarousal; and somatic complaints. C-PTSD symptoms further include a lack of emotional regulation; emotional flashbacks; negative self-perception; difficulty with relationships; and distorted perceptions of the abuser. My C-PTSD includes most of these symptoms; however, for the purpose of this letter, I am only going to address hyperarousal and emotional flashbacks.

Hyperarousal occurs when a person’s mind perceives a real or imaginary threat, and as a result, their body goes into fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode (i.e., survival mode). Due to my childhood, my mind is programmed to perceive loud noises, authority figures, drugs, alcohol, and acts of violence as threatening. My mind is even programmed to perceive dirty dishes, constructive criticism and time constraints as threatening. I come across these things one or more times per day and as a result, my body goes into fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode one or more times per day. Thanks to years of therapy, my mind if often able to identify what triggers my body to go into survival mode but my mind can’t stop my body from doing it. What does this look like, you ask? Let’s say I am driving down the highway and I see a cop car. My body responds with a rapid increase in heart rate, shallow breathing and the release of adrenalin and cortisol. If you have been on the verge of a car accident, been given devastating news or feared for your life, you know this feeling. My mind then says, “You are safe in this moment and you were triggered by driving past an authority figure.” My mind cannot talk my body out of the survival response. My mind can only encourage my body to engage in self-care activities until my mind and body are united once more. Hyperarousal is physically painful as my muscles become tense and knotted, my head starts to ache and my digestion stops. Hyperarousal is physically demanding, as the process of uniting mind and body requires space and time. Hyperarousal is emotionally exhausting as I talk myself out of and through the experience. One or more times per day. Every day.

If hyperarousal is the hijacking of the body, then emotional flashbacks are the hijacking of the mind. Like hyperarousal, emotional flashbacks can be brought about by real or imaginary threats — that is, internal and external triggers. Emotional flashbacks cause the body to be hyperaroused and cause the mind to regress to the frightening circumstances of childhood. What does this look like, you ask? Once more, let’s say I am driving down the highway and I see a cop car. My body responds with a rapid increase in heart rate, shallow breathing and the release of adrenalin and cortisol. My mind responds by traveling back in time to all the instances when I was abused and neglected in response to authority figures. My mind is flooded with the devastation, sorrow and fear that I experienced as a child. My mind temporarily blocks my ability to think logically and live in the present moment. Put simply, in an emotional flashback, my mind and body are experiencing the thoughts and feelings of abuse and neglect in the present day even though I am not being abused or neglected at that moment. Let me say that again: in an emotional flashback, I’m actively experiencing the thoughts and feelings of abuse and neglect in the present moment. It’s an evil trick that trauma plays, haunting you like that.

Do me a favor, dear friends and family, and imagine what your life would be like if you were abused and neglected almost every day of your childhood. Now, imagine what your life would be like if you were abused and neglected almost every day as an adult? How would it impact your thoughts, feelings and behaviors? Let’s dive deep, dear friends and family, and imagine having the clarity of mind to know you are not being abused and neglected as an adult, but you have the inability to stop your mind and body from transporting you there. Would you feel helpless — knowing it will happen every day? Would you feel hopeless — knowing you can’t stop it? I did. I do.

Helplessness and hopelessness are emotions I experience one or more times per day, every day. However, I also experience the emotions of motivation and determination. After surviving my childhood, I am dedicated to thriving as an adult. I am dedicated to caring for myself every day through meditation, medication, yoga, healthy foods, solitude and boundaries. I’m dedicated to caring for myself every week by attending 12-step meetings and participating in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. I have learned and will continue to learn, how to cope with my hyperarousal and emotional flashbacks. I have learned and will continue to learn, how to accept my condition — knowing it may get better and knowing that it may not. But have my friends and family? Have my friends and family come to understand hyperarousal and emotional flashbacks? Have my friends and family come to accept me as I am?

So how does this relate to my turning down social invitations? Often when I say I cannot attend an event, my lack of presence is mistaken as a lack of care. But oh, dear loved ones, how false this is. I do care. I care immensely. However, some days I cannot communicate and engage with you. Some days, I am so busy engaging in self-care activities for the purpose of reuniting my mind and body that relationship must be put on pause — not because I lack feelings of love but because I cannot always practice love. I cannot practice love during or after an emotional flashback because I am working tirelessly to escape the false belief that I am a helpless child and I am working tirelessly to return to the promising reality that I am a woman healing.

Let me supply you with another example. Previously, I was invited to a friend’s birthday party on a Friday night. I agreed to attend the party on Monday but then backed out on Friday. That Friday, while at work, I heard a colleague yelling at another colleague. I became hyperaroused by the loud noises. Then, I came home from work and found my dog had an accident in the house. I had an emotional flashback over the dirty house. My mind and body left me as I was transported to physical and emotional sensations of being abused and neglected as a child. I responded by turning down the party invitation so that I could stay home and meditate, walk and journal until my mind and body returned me to my adult self. I hoped my friend would understand, but how could she without my opening up about the experience? And, if I opened up about the experience and the frequency of these experiences, would she still be my friend?

In the future, I hope to respond to your invitations with “I’ll see you there,” and “I can’t wait!” In the future, I hope to have a mind and body that make it easy for me to participate in your lives — a mind and body that are united more days than not. Yet, there is no guarantee that day will come. There is no guarantee that my hyperarousal and emotional flashbacks will lessen. So I ask you, dear loved ones, please accommodate me when I say, “I can’t be there.” Please hear me when I say, “I love you and I care.” Please open your minds to my condition and open your hearts to my reality, for the world needs people who can accept rather than judge us survivors. The world needs you. I need you.

With love,

A Woman Healing