PostDivorce

Well I'm sitting at the airport waiting to catch my first plane to DFW then onto Alaska!! I realized this week that this is my first vacation without my ex. We were together 26 years so as much as this is exciting, I am also feeling sad. I am deep into the trauma bond still even though I have been divorced for 7 months now. I know it takes time to heal and mourn the loss of my marriage, but you would think that after all he put me through, the emotional, verbal, financial, and in the end the physical abuse I wouldnt even care. It takes time to mend a broken heart. The thoughts of why I wasn't ever good enough, and only if I stayed longer he might of changed, but once he put his hands around my neck and choked me to the floor in front of our daughter I knew it was over. I also am very aware that if I stayed any longer I might not be here today.
I made the right choices to leave but man, moving on is hard. I still have contact with him and I still see him every week when I come back to the house to do laundry, see my kids, and see my little Yorkie pup that he bought me hoping that I might just stay. I traumatize myself every week over and over again. He even drove me to the airport this morning.
I know that what I am doing is prolonging moving on, but right now I guess I still like the pain. Again, it's the trauma bond I have with him.
I won't beat myself up for my choices, as this is a process that I am going through. It's a beautiful journey of self discovery and self-awareness. I am still grieving a huge loss but at the same time I am learning who I am.
One step at a time!

The condition seems to be getting worse for me since my divorce. #CyclothymicDisorder