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    Lusting: sweet, sweet agony

    Hello~ I have hardly ever posted on here, but need extra support today. You see, I have been married 5 years (*gasp*) to the proverbial "nice guy". We met in church and he was the first guy I trusted after going through sexual trauma. He is 12 yrs younger and the longer I know him, the more aware I am of his immaturity. He is always-- I mean ALways on his phone. Our communication really sucks in addition to the fact his speech is delayed which he annoyingly is in denial of. I hope this isn't TMI, but we have only ever tried to have sex a couple times, and I am very much affected by this. He is somewhat effeminate and I have wondered if he is a closet homosexual. He would do ANYthing to help ANYbody, so that is why I said he is a good guy/nice guy. The thing is, I am more and more depressed and empty feeling as the days go by. We are separated now, but he hangs out at my place all the time. We moreso have a friendship than marriage, but that is SO not what I signed up for.
    I am in an outpatient therapy group and the people there and I have become close, mainly because we all "get" each other so much. There is one guy in my group who clicked with me instantly. (We will call him J). He is so brilliant-- his mind works faster than mine, which is saying a lot. My brain is usually on fire. He also has a wicked sense of humor like I do, unlike my husband whose humor is absent or even just very juvenile. I feel ecstatic when I am around J. He SEES me, he is curious about me, cares, plus we share the diagnosis of being bipolar--- he totally gets it whereas my husband gets annoyed and angry even when I am paranoid/terrified due to mania. J is also very alluring and attractive. He is also married, unhappily it seems. We borderline flirt when we talk. He has called me and we will talk for at least an hour. When I was last having a major manic episode, we were down the shore together and stayed in the same room. He knew I was manic out of my gourd, yet he respected me and did not take advantage in any way. (Maybe he just is not into me, but maybe he was being a good friend and gentleman.) I feel guilty for my attraction to J, and feel sorry for my thoughts since I am married. I don't want to be an awful person, but I have contemplated divorce most days--- I am bored stiff with my husband. Not that anything would happen with J, but just seeing the possibility that someone out there exists where I could feel FULFILLED in every way and be SEEN and understood gives me hope in an odd way, but again the guilt sets in for thinking of meeting someone else. Sorry this is so long--I appreciate any thoughts, just plz be kind. I have tried and tried to squelch my feelings for J, but when I do, the feelings grow even stronger. Btw, the photo is of me on a better day, still masking the pain and depression as I have become good at.
    #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Divorce #Marriage

    24 reactions 8 comments

    Shocked & devastated

    After 35 yrs & 30 yrs of what I thought was a good marriage, my soon to be ex told me he couldn't live with my bipolar disorder anymore. I'd managed it with meds & self-care for 30 yrs & was the bread winner the last 25. About 5 yrs ago, I took a family death very hard & started having scary panic attacks at work & had to quit. I'd secured a position at a competitor before, thinking that'd fix things, but was wrong & then laid off during the pandemic. I then started Grad school & once i changed my mind 2 yrs later about which degree to get, he freaked out on me about not feeling secure anymore, told me i was worthless & only equipped to be on disability. During all this time, not only did we start drinking out of boredom & to handle stress, but I also started the change & HRT....needless to say the last few years have been challenging at best. And 3 weeks ago my husband that'd always told me he could handle anything told me it'd gone beyond repair. I called my family out of state & my brother was there to get me within 36 hrs, I packed what I could in my suv along with my dog & off we went. I cried through 4 states, so my big brother was amazing & drove the entire way. #Divorce #BipolarDisorder



    58, Captain of the ship. Father to my late Daughter Cassidy and Son Mason. Husband to my late Wife Laura. Tired of living but still looking for a reason to keep going.

    #PTSD #Divorce #tragedy #lost #alone


    Struggling to be validated by Drs & feeling SO fed up. Chronic, rare Autoimmune Symptoms; I know it's Behcets. Looking for specialist in CA, US.

    Short run down. Chronic strep throat as child. Tonsils removed. Allergic to strain of strep in 6th grade...almost killed me. Never regained "normal" health. On and off horrid joint pain, pain in eyes, multiple Derm diagnoses, chronic inflammation, chronic insomnia, asthma, then Arthritis, Bursitis, Depression, Anxiety, lost weight then gained over & over, pregnancy very painful and high risk. Spinal Stenosis, Sciatica, Anemia. Got pregnant again & was even worse. Thankful for 2 healthy kids, but Momma is not healthy. I'm 47 now. Labeled with Fibromyalgia but no treatment. Need to be back on pain meds but bc I stopped (MY choice), years ago Drs don't want me back on them. I have done so much research and I KNOW I have Behçet's Disease. Looking for somewhere to go in the US for the validation & proper treatment. 20+ years of struggling invisibly (until huge sores all over neck & head in May 2022). Currently on evil Prednisone, Colchicine, Mobic. Rheumatologist taking too long to have me jump through all of her hoops. Any advice appreciated 💜
    #BehcetsDisease #MomGuilt #ChronicDepression #chronicinflammation #Insomniac #Anxiety #Arthritis #Divorce #PTSD

    6 reactions 11 comments

    Marriage and Depression

    The last few months have been a real struggle for me. Dealing with my migraines have gotten a bit better but my depression has taken a turn I don't like.. My husband and I separated and my end up divorced we have had problems for quite some time! We have been together for 15 years I'm the one the left. I was tired of feeling like I was never good enough or I was always the problem.. I have been so unhappy and unloved and unappreciated! I have taken full responsibility for my screw ups in my marriage and I know it's not all my fault!!! I know should have left sooner... But I didn't and I'm struggling to not go back!!! Why would anyone other man want me? I have a chronic illness, CPTSD, Depression, Anxiety and a recovering alcoholic.... I wouldn't choose me either! I'm surprised my husband even married me. #ChronicDepression #CPTSD #Divorce


    Seriously? #Depression #Divorce #PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

    Three days before my 50th birthday what does my husband do?
    Brings me round divorce papers to sign.
    I have no words for the callousness of it.


    Now what?

    So, I’ve moved back in with my mother for the first time in nearly 9 years after my recent divorce. I don’t know what to do now. I have zero purpose now that I don’t have my wife and cat to look after and love. I don’t see any reason to continue working at my job, to get up in the morning or, to eat during the day. Everything I did prior to my marriage issues was with my wife & home in mind. Career progression, earning money, completing chores, and more. Now that I don’t own a home or have a wife, what’s the point? Now what? #Depression #alone #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Divorce


    Four year marriage broken ~ hurting so badly #

    #Divorce #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #BipolarDepression #Marriage #Anxiety
    Sadness permeates every fiber of my being tonight as I sit & contemplate what may be the end of my four year marriage. The toughest part, oddly, is that he is a "nice guy", very caring & thoughtful, hard worker, is good to my mother. BUT---- it has basically been a sexless marriage since day one. I had NO clue it would be this way~ I always envisioned marriage as a safe place where sex/love making was in abundance! Not with us. We are much more like roomates. Occasionally we will "make out", but he is clueless in that department. Twelve years younger than me & I was his first EVERYthing. He never has even had an ejaculation (sorry for TMI) which I find extremely frustrating on many levels. I don't trust him 100% due to his sharing with me AFTER we got married that he was intoba form of pornography called Vore. Never heard of it but when I looked into it, it freaked me out! He says he has stopped, but he is really addicted to his cellphone so the lack of trust is still there. I know he does put up with my bipolar/depression plus I live in chronic pain AND am morbidly obese. I was this size while we dated and married, so my weight is not the issue. He tells me he is attracted to me. Lately, I have been so upset with him that I lost all interest in even hoping for sex with him anymore. His family never fully accepted me (we wound up eloping)- & we live in section 8 public housing & I am on disability, all of which make me feel ashamed around them. They are on the wealthy side. Am I wrong in wanting to end this & move on/take care of myself for once? I was a caregiver for over 20+ yrs for my mom who is physically disabled. That coupled with a lot of trauma made me stuff away my pain. Now, my eating is even worse due to the emptiness I am feeling. I have started a new friendship with a guy who gets me-- he is my age, has bipolar, married too sadly, funny as heck(my husband is not), & I have enjoyed our rich conversations. The communication level with my husband is so juvenile, basic & blah. I am SO so bored. I feel guilty even talking to a guy friend, but it has given me some happiness lately that I have so been missing. Thank you for reading this. Any & all advice/support would be greatly appreciated.