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Every Day, Lately

Yesterday, I shared how my mornings go. Today I will elaborate on why "Every Morning" is so very exhausting.

I've been in the mental hospital more times than I would like to admit. However before that, I went to college majoring in biology and neuroscience. I wanted to understand my chronic issues and "fix me".

Unfortunately, I did not find for what I was looking. Going through several different specialists, I found some diagnosis (treatment resistant depression, generalized anxiety disorder, a circadian rhythm disorder, sleep apnea mixed in with a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder and perfectionism).

I never found a medication or medication combination that revolutionized my life. I found many coping mechanisms that helped like medication, a proper diet, journaling, blue light therapy, talk therapy, yoga, dance, deep breathing techniques, transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy (TMS), acupuncture, Chinese herbs, teas and lately, homeopathy.

However, as I alluded to earlier life happens and you are left flat broke (literally), unable to pay for most of these services. For example, due to my mental health, I had to leave graduate school and move in with my parents. My business failed, and at this point no one will hire me. My ex-husband left because he couldn't support us (along with a mental breakdown of his own). So, I am left alone, depressed, anxious, unemployed, living with my parents, picking up the pieces fighting the strong urge to just give up. Did I mention I my mornings are actually afternoons? (More on that later.)

Yes, this is officially a "Cry Me a River" post. However, that's why I joined this platform. I officially have no one to really talk to or in my case 'vent'. However, I think that is why we are all here. Am I right? Let's get all of our problems out in the open and support each other?

Well, I definitely hope that is the case because most 'normal people' look at me, when they hear my story and say, "I am praying for you". They also say, "I am sending you good vibes".

That's all very nice and appreciated but I am sincerely looking for the support and strength to keep going. I want to keep finding the good things in life, the joy, the wonder, the excitement, anything that makes my life worth living. I don't want to give into the perpetual desire to clock out of the human race. (Not that there is any guarantee things will be better on the other side, just saying.)

As Angelica Hudson says to Drew Barrymore in "Ever After" (It's a really sweet movie by the way.) "No matter how bad things may get, they can always get worse."

It's up to me to make it better and that's a hard concept to swallow. It's just me against this crazy spinning rock. :/

#Support #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #Community #Support #venting #circadianrhythmdisorder #Journaling #TMS #Acupuncture #chineseherbs #homeopathy #financiallystruggling #unemployed #Divorce #Burnout #Loneliness #Hope #strength #NeverGiveUp #onwardandupward #togetherwecan

26 reactions 6 comments

A year later

Hi. A year ago I posted about my husband who sparks up arguments and if he gets no reaction he takes it out on the dogs and the kids.
Recap. I've done so well with my mental illness and managing with stress of work.
Now a little over 2months ago,coming from a family trip my husband went from loving to cold and distant in 2days. And now after 11 years he is moving out and says he wants nothing to do with me. The saddest part is that he completely ignores the three kids we have together. My middle son made a comment if him not caring for him anymore and my husband completely blew it up and when my son apologized to him he said he doesn't want anything from him,and he should keep his apology. My son is 7yrs old. This broke me. I don't feel sad or anything ATM. Just disappointed that a 7yr old boy is being shown by a man he adores that apologies doesn't do anything. He didn't have anything to apologize for. That was how he felt. I'm worried my sons are going to are going to act out for all this. I just don't know what to do. #Anxiety #Divorce

10 reactions 3 comments

Onto A New Chapter of Life

Hello all. I have made the hard decision to separate from my husband of 21 years. Thankfully, I will be able to move in with my 70 year old mother as I am unable to work and am disabled (will soon be applying for SSDI).

Although I will have some help, the many tasks (especially packing) and uncertain future feel overwhelming. That's on top of the emotional rollercoaster I'm going through and having to leave my cats with my husband. With my ME/CFS, the emotional aspect is already exhausting me.

Has anyone else, especially those disabled and/or with ME/CFS, gone through this kind of situation? I'm terrified but know it's the right decision as my home life isn't always safe and negatively affects me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have waited it out as long as I could.

Any words of wisdom or support would be greatly appreciated. #Separation #Divorce #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Fibromyalgia #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Grief #moving

41 reactions 15 comments

Finally getting a divorce

At 19 I married my high school boyfriend. I was young, hated myself and loved the feeling of someone loving me. By 22 we had a very toxic and unhealthy marriage and we separated. That was almost 5 years ago. Today I finally filed for divorce and I am feeling so thrilled to be done with that stage of my life. #Depression #Divorce #MentalHealth #movingon #CPTSD #PTSD

8 reactions 3 comments

I've been gone again dealing with a lot since losing my daughter back in November and now my husband wanting a divorce because I look too much like her and can't stand to look at me was absolutely crushing to hear and to have him going around messaging my friends trying to get them to hangout with him is even worse I feel so ugly and I hate myself now because all I can think of is how he said he can't stand to look at me anymore #Depression #Anxiety #Divorce #Heartbroken

7 reactions 1 comment

Is our marriage a sham?

I was recently diagnosed with QBPD, it has been a 36 year struggle. Anyway, my trauma stems from my childhood and not being in a caring, loving, supportive environment. I have had numerous failed relationships until I met my now wife. We have been together 24 years, married 16, 2 kids etc. Our relationship has always been challenging, lots of arguments etc. I would reach a point where I would become frustrated and criticise her lack of caring, intimacy, support etc. (most arguments were from her being a little high maintenance). Anyway, I have shared an overview of my relationship with my wife, the dynamic etc with my psychiatrist. She believes that I fell in love with someone that recreated an environment that was similar to the environment I was brought up in. On reflection, this does make perfect sense, and is clearly evident when looking back over the years.
Here we are now, I finally have a diagnosis, I know I can recover, but our relationship is on its last legs, discussing separation etc. I don’t think she can take the journey with me through DBT etc., I’m nurse she wants to. But my question is, was our marriage a sham in the first place? Did my BPD make me fall in love? Is it really someone I truly want to be with? God! Just when you think you are on a road to recovery, you get thrown a curve ball and now possibly throwing divorce into the mix. Any thoughts? # BPD #qbpd #Divorce #Relationships

4 reactions 1 comment

Fibromyalgia and marriage

This illness is ruining my marriage! I am writing in tears because my marriage is over because if this. My husband thinks it's all an excuse and because I haven't worked for so long I have no money. I have nothing! 25 years gone. Thanks! I am am so angry and lonely right now! #Divorce #ButYouDontLookSick #Fibromyalgia

1 comment

Grief, Struggles, Depression (Wash Cycle Doesn’t End)

I started my #Recovery journey in 2014 and I found a new way of life immediately. No one warned me the NEW was NEW Chapters of Life, Chapters which would not finish before the next starts….
In 2014 I had to have a #lumpectomy from my right #breast .
In the beginning of 2015 I was served #Divorce papers. By the end of the year we reconciled.
In 2016 when I should be excited my eldest is graduating from High School, simultaneously my second born had to have #OpenHeartSurgery .
In 2017 second born lost his first grandmother and I got to fly him from CA to ME to see her take her last breath.
In 2019 I was the proud #homeowner with my #husband of 10 years. We were finally making the #americandream .
In April 2020 I get a phonecall my father has had a #brainstemstroke I had to come home to Maine to assist with #lifeendingchoices .
In May 2020 my Mother is diagnosed with #OvarianCancer .
I am now temporarily living with my mother, being a #Caregiver , yet my #husband #mycaregiver #Abandoned me and then requested to take #fullcustody of #ourdaughter via the #Divorce .
In July 2021 my Mother sadly passed away. I have become an #Orphan too quickly. #Grief and #Depression is all too real now.
In March 2022, My second son has now come down sick. Doctors spend months trying to figure out why. It takes until July 2022 to diagnose him with #Sepsis #Endocarditis he spends 2 weeks #hospitalized and another 8 weeks on a #PiccLine at home.
In Dec 2022 he is given a clean bill of health and decides to come live with me in #Maine .
In Feb 2023 he starts to become tired easily, slight cough, and finally passed out in March.
March 10th he passed out at home. We called #911 and the #localer #Misdiagnosed him.
March 13th I took him to #mainemedicalcenter where he was hospitalized for 7 days with #Pneumonia and possible #Endocarditis where he was then transferred to #boston .
March 19th upon arriving to #brighamwomanhospital - #shapirocardiovascularcenter he underwent dozens more blood testing, procedures, exams, etc.
Today March 27th he is having #OpenHeartSurgery Number 2 to replace the pulmonary valve, pulmonary conduit, remove large vegetation.
In a couple of days as scheduled I am also supposed to exchange visitation with my daughter so I can visit with her for Spring Vacation. However my ex is trying to knit pick about my schedule and if I have ample time to spend with our daughter while my adult son is in ICU. Our daughter is 11 years old.
I really feel in the last multiple years I have had one catastrophic event after another without time to process.
I have other things like major moves, loss of therapists, and other medical mental health issues. I am so exhausted today scared sick for my son.
I am so annoyed how some people enjoy kicking others while they are down.
I don’t even know when I am going to sleep again right now. I have so many thoughts, concerns, to do’s in my head - I can’t sleep it is going to drive me crazy.
I am so sick of being in a chapter book that doesn’t let the chapters end.

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Lusting: sweet, sweet agony

Hello~ I have hardly ever posted on here, but need extra support today. You see, I have been married 5 years (*gasp*) to the proverbial "nice guy". We met in church and he was the first guy I trusted after going through sexual trauma. He is 12 yrs younger and the longer I know him, the more aware I am of his immaturity. He is always-- I mean ALways on his phone. Our communication really sucks in addition to the fact his speech is delayed which he annoyingly is in denial of. I hope this isn't TMI, but we have only ever tried to have sex a couple times, and I am very much affected by this. He is somewhat effeminate and I have wondered if he is a closet homosexual. He would do ANYthing to help ANYbody, so that is why I said he is a good guy/nice guy. The thing is, I am more and more depressed and empty feeling as the days go by. We are separated now, but he hangs out at my place all the time. We moreso have a friendship than marriage, but that is SO not what I signed up for.
I am in an outpatient therapy group and the people there and I have become close, mainly because we all "get" each other so much. There is one guy in my group who clicked with me instantly. (We will call him J). He is so brilliant-- his mind works faster than mine, which is saying a lot. My brain is usually on fire. He also has a wicked sense of humor like I do, unlike my husband whose humor is absent or even just very juvenile. I feel ecstatic when I am around J. He SEES me, he is curious about me, cares, plus we share the diagnosis of being bipolar--- he totally gets it whereas my husband gets annoyed and angry even when I am paranoid/terrified due to mania. J is also very alluring and attractive. He is also married, unhappily it seems. We borderline flirt when we talk. He has called me and we will talk for at least an hour. When I was last having a major manic episode, we were down the shore together and stayed in the same room. He knew I was manic out of my gourd, yet he respected me and did not take advantage in any way. (Maybe he just is not into me, but maybe he was being a good friend and gentleman.) I feel guilty for my attraction to J, and feel sorry for my thoughts since I am married. I don't want to be an awful person, but I have contemplated divorce most days--- I am bored stiff with my husband. Not that anything would happen with J, but just seeing the possibility that someone out there exists where I could feel FULFILLED in every way and be SEEN and understood gives me hope in an odd way, but again the guilt sets in for thinking of meeting someone else. Sorry this is so long--I appreciate any thoughts, just plz be kind. I have tried and tried to squelch my feelings for J, but when I do, the feelings grow even stronger. Btw, the photo is of me on a better day, still masking the pain and depression as I have become good at.
#BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Divorce #Marriage

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