divorce

So I didn't want to share this yet, but for some reason I felt today was the day to let everyone know I signed and he signed the divorce papers! It has been a long, long rode to get to here today. It's a bitter sweet feeling. I still feel like a failure. That I failed my kids who are now 20 and 24 and in a way I did. They had to be around the toxicity and that wasn't good for them. If I could have done things differently I would have divorced a long time ago. I was so vulnerable back then that I didn't trust my own thoughts and feelings because he had manipulated, belittled me, made me second guess myself, the porn!!, the stalking with GPS trackers in the car. The indoor cameras that were all over the house and even in our bedroom. He made me double think my own sanity, the outdoor moving cameras all angles on the house, did I mention the porn!! The cheating, and more cheating and finally the big thing that ended our marriage was the STD he got.. (he says a dirty toilet seat) I knew that it was over at that point.
Now, I am not perfect. I got a bad addiction to opiates and it ran it's course and I did alot of damage in the home. I was miserable with myself with everyone around me, the world. The day I got clean I knew was the end of my marriage. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I had to sit with them and really understand why I feel the way I do.
I decided to better myself and really find who I was. I started therapy, I joined a 12 step fellowship. I got a support network. I started to do service in this 12 step fellowship. I got a part time job, started to learn how to apply makeup and make myself look pretty again. I went to school to become a Peer Advocate, and even became a recovery coach! I started too love myself again. I started feeling I wasn't so alone. The more I did the next right thing, the happier I became. I even took domestic violence classes. I started to save money and build a little savings account.. and finally I moved out. So here we are today, finished signing the divorce papers. I am currently living in my own apartment. I am about to work a full time job as a Peer Advocate. Pay my own bills and go back to school to get my masters in Mental Health counseling. I'm living the dream and it only goes up from there.

Well it's Tuesday and I finally got out of the house to go to a doctors appointment. I lost 5 pounds which is great but I didn't do it the right way. I don't eat when I get depressed which really sucks. However the sun is out and it's beautiful here in NY! Today I am gonna look at things differently. I am heading towards acceptance over the loss of my marriage. I have fully felt my feelings and let my emotions show this weekend and I didn't hold back. I know deep down inside he is a good person. I mean he is really good with everybody expect me lol. Today I got my feelings under control and I'm not gonna allow him to take power over me at least for today. I have been reading up on narcissism especially the research papers on narcissism and it's amazing how much my story compares with the people that were apart of the research. So the good news is that my doctors are going to revaluate my diagnosis that I was given a long time ago.. it seems that in these studies the partner of a narcissist started to show symptoms of bipolar. Well that is my diagnosis as well. I'm looking forward to that. All in all I just feel much better all around and I am not gonna allow my feelings and emotions take up anymore rent in my heart and head! Acceptance is the key. #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Divorce #Bipolar #Healing

Yesterday, I shared how my mornings go. Today I will elaborate on why "Every Morning" is so very exhausting.

I've been in the mental hospital more times than I would like to admit. However before that, I went to college majoring in biology and neuroscience. I wanted to understand my chronic issues and "fix me".

Unfortunately, I did not find for what I was looking. Going through several different specialists, I found some diagnosis (treatment resistant depression, generalized anxiety disorder, a circadian rhythm disorder, sleep apnea mixed in with a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder and perfectionism).

I never found a medication or medication combination that revolutionized my life. I found many coping mechanisms that helped like medication, a proper diet, journaling, blue light therapy, talk therapy, yoga, dance, deep breathing techniques, transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy (TMS), acupuncture, Chinese herbs, teas and lately, homeopathy.

However, as I alluded to earlier life happens and you are left flat broke (literally), unable to pay for most of these services. For example, due to my mental health, I had to leave graduate school and move in with my parents. My business failed, and at this point no one will hire me. My ex-husband left because he couldn't support us (along with a mental breakdown of his own). So, I am left alone, depressed, anxious, unemployed, living with my parents, picking up the pieces fighting the strong urge to just give up. Did I mention I my mornings are actually afternoons? (More on that later.)

Yes, this is officially a "Cry Me a River" post. However, that's why I joined this platform. I officially have no one to really talk to or in my case 'vent'. However, I think that is why we are all here. Am I right? Let's get all of our problems out in the open and support each other?

Well, I definitely hope that is the case because most 'normal people' look at me, when they hear my story and say, "I am praying for you". They also say, "I am sending you good vibes".

That's all very nice and appreciated but I am sincerely looking for the support and strength to keep going. I want to keep finding the good things in life, the joy, the wonder, the excitement, anything that makes my life worth living. I don't want to give into the perpetual desire to clock out of the human race. (Not that there is any guarantee things will be better on the other side, just saying.)

As Angelica Hudson says to Drew Barrymore in "Ever After" (It's a really sweet movie by the way.) "No matter how bad things may get, they can always get worse."

It's up to me to make it better and that's a hard concept to swallow. It's just me against this crazy spinning rock. :/

#Support #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #Community #Support #venting #circadianrhythmdisorder #Journaling #TMS #Acupuncture #chineseherbs #homeopathy #financiallystruggling #unemployed #Divorce #Burnout #Loneliness #Hope #strength #NeverGiveUp #onwardandupward #togetherwecan