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Divorce papers signed! #Divorce #narcisism #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #happy #Addiction #AddictionRecovery

So I didn't want to share this yet, but for some reason I felt today was the day to let everyone know I signed and he signed the divorce papers! It has been a long, long rode to get to here today. It's a bitter sweet feeling. I still feel like a failure. That I failed my kids who are now 20 and 24 and in a way I did. They had to be around the toxicity and that wasn't good for them. If I could have done things differently I would have divorced a long time ago. I was so vulnerable back then that I didn't trust my own thoughts and feelings because he had manipulated, belittled me, made me second guess myself, the porn!!, the stalking with GPS trackers in the car. The indoor cameras that were all over the house and even in our bedroom. He made me double think my own sanity, the outdoor moving cameras all angles on the house, did I mention the porn!! The cheating, and more cheating and finally the big thing that ended our marriage was the STD he got.. (he says a dirty toilet seat) I knew that it was over at that point.
Now, I am not perfect. I got a bad addiction to opiates and it ran it's course and I did alot of damage in the home. I was miserable with myself with everyone around me, the world. The day I got clean I knew was the end of my marriage. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I had to sit with them and really understand why I feel the way I do.
I decided to better myself and really find who I was. I started therapy, I joined a 12 step fellowship. I got a support network. I started to do service in this 12 step fellowship. I got a part time job, started to learn how to apply makeup and make myself look pretty again. I went to school to become a Peer Advocate, and even became a recovery coach! I started too love myself again. I started feeling I wasn't so alone. The more I did the next right thing, the happier I became. I even took domestic violence classes. I started to save money and build a little savings account.. and finally I moved out. So here we are today, finished signing the divorce papers. I am currently living in my own apartment. I am about to work a full time job as a Peer Advocate. Pay my own bills and go back to school to get my masters in Mental Health counseling. I'm living the dream and it only goes up from there.

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Woke up in a "Why me?" state of mind today. Or, rather, a "Why us?" state of mind. My ex, my kid, and myself are, I think, pretty decent humans. We're flawed, like anyone else, but always tried to be good, according to our own compasses. We tried to never be hurtful, to support the people we cared about, and to leave the world a better place than we found it every day. For about 25 years, we were pretty good at it, I think.

And then, through circumstances we just couldn't control it fell apart. I never intended to become the monster I became, anymore than any of us intended for our lives to be upended during the COVID lockdown. We all thought we were doing the right, the appropriate, things to navigate increasingly difficult social and psychological circumstances. And everything still fell apart.

DBT teaches Radical Acceptance. The thing happened. Period. We don't have to like it, we don't have to make peace with it, but we have to accept that it happened. But some days, I wake up wondering "Why us?" We were lovely and happy and now we're broken, and will always be just a little bit sad. And we couldn't have done anything other than what we did.

Why us? Why couldn't we have just been a family and been happy? It's too late now. We'll never be that again. I will miss them for the rest of my life and I'll never have an answer to the question. And some days, it's really fucking hard to just have to accept that.

#Divorce #RadicalAcceptance #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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Feeling better today!

Well it's Tuesday and I finally got out of the house to go to a doctors appointment. I lost 5 pounds which is great but I didn't do it the right way. I don't eat when I get depressed which really sucks. However the sun is out and it's beautiful here in NY! Today I am gonna look at things differently. I am heading towards acceptance over the loss of my marriage. I have fully felt my feelings and let my emotions show this weekend and I didn't hold back. I know deep down inside he is a good person. I mean he is really good with everybody expect me lol. Today I got my feelings under control and I'm not gonna allow him to take power over me at least for today. I have been reading up on narcissism especially the research papers on narcissism and it's amazing how much my story compares with the people that were apart of the research. So the good news is that my doctors are going to revaluate my diagnosis that I was given a long time ago.. it seems that in these studies the partner of a narcissist started to show symptoms of bipolar. Well that is my diagnosis as well. I'm looking forward to that. All in all I just feel much better all around and I am not gonna allow my feelings and emotions take up anymore rent in my heart and head! Acceptance is the key. #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Divorce #Bipolar #Healing

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Every Day, Lately

Yesterday, I shared how my mornings go. Today I will elaborate on why "Every Morning" is so very exhausting.

I've been in the mental hospital more times than I would like to admit. However before that, I went to college majoring in biology and neuroscience. I wanted to understand my chronic issues and "fix me".

Unfortunately, I did not find for what I was looking. Going through several different specialists, I found some diagnosis (treatment resistant depression, generalized anxiety disorder, a circadian rhythm disorder, sleep apnea mixed in with a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder and perfectionism).

I never found a medication or medication combination that revolutionized my life. I found many coping mechanisms that helped like medication, a proper diet, journaling, blue light therapy, talk therapy, yoga, dance, deep breathing techniques, transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy (TMS), acupuncture, Chinese herbs, teas and lately, homeopathy.

However, as I alluded to earlier life happens and you are left flat broke (literally), unable to pay for most of these services. For example, due to my mental health, I had to leave graduate school and move in with my parents. My business failed, and at this point no one will hire me. My ex-husband left because he couldn't support us (along with a mental breakdown of his own). So, I am left alone, depressed, anxious, unemployed, living with my parents, picking up the pieces fighting the strong urge to just give up. Did I mention I my mornings are actually afternoons? (More on that later.)

Yes, this is officially a "Cry Me a River" post. However, that's why I joined this platform. I officially have no one to really talk to or in my case 'vent'. However, I think that is why we are all here. Am I right? Let's get all of our problems out in the open and support each other?

Well, I definitely hope that is the case because most 'normal people' look at me, when they hear my story and say, "I am praying for you". They also say, "I am sending you good vibes".

That's all very nice and appreciated but I am sincerely looking for the support and strength to keep going. I want to keep finding the good things in life, the joy, the wonder, the excitement, anything that makes my life worth living. I don't want to give into the perpetual desire to clock out of the human race. (Not that there is any guarantee things will be better on the other side, just saying.)

As Angelica Hudson says to Drew Barrymore in "Ever After" (It's a really sweet movie by the way.) "No matter how bad things may get, they can always get worse."

It's up to me to make it better and that's a hard concept to swallow. It's just me against this crazy spinning rock. :/

#Support #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #Community #Support #venting #circadianrhythmdisorder #Journaling #TMS #Acupuncture #chineseherbs #homeopathy #financiallystruggling #unemployed #Divorce #Burnout #Loneliness #Hope #strength #NeverGiveUp #onwardandupward #togetherwecan

26 reactions 6 comments

A year later

Hi. A year ago I posted about my husband who sparks up arguments and if he gets no reaction he takes it out on the dogs and the kids.
Recap. I've done so well with my mental illness and managing with stress of work.
Now a little over 2months ago,coming from a family trip my husband went from loving to cold and distant in 2days. And now after 11 years he is moving out and says he wants nothing to do with me. The saddest part is that he completely ignores the three kids we have together. My middle son made a comment if him not caring for him anymore and my husband completely blew it up and when my son apologized to him he said he doesn't want anything from him,and he should keep his apology. My son is 7yrs old. This broke me. I don't feel sad or anything ATM. Just disappointed that a 7yr old boy is being shown by a man he adores that apologies doesn't do anything. He didn't have anything to apologize for. That was how he felt. I'm worried my sons are going to are going to act out for all this. I just don't know what to do. #Anxiety #Divorce

10 reactions 3 comments

Onto A New Chapter of Life

Hello all. I have made the hard decision to separate from my husband of 21 years. Thankfully, I will be able to move in with my 70 year old mother as I am unable to work and am disabled (will soon be applying for SSDI).

Although I will have some help, the many tasks (especially packing) and uncertain future feel overwhelming. That's on top of the emotional rollercoaster I'm going through and having to leave my cats with my husband. With my ME/CFS, the emotional aspect is already exhausting me.

Has anyone else, especially those disabled and/or with ME/CFS, gone through this kind of situation? I'm terrified but know it's the right decision as my home life isn't always safe and negatively affects me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have waited it out as long as I could.

Any words of wisdom or support would be greatly appreciated. #Separation #Divorce #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Fibromyalgia #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Grief #moving

41 reactions 15 comments

Finally getting a divorce

At 19 I married my high school boyfriend. I was young, hated myself and loved the feeling of someone loving me. By 22 we had a very toxic and unhealthy marriage and we separated. That was almost 5 years ago. Today I finally filed for divorce and I am feeling so thrilled to be done with that stage of my life. #Depression #Divorce #MentalHealth #movingon #CPTSD #PTSD

8 reactions 3 comments

I've been gone again dealing with a lot since losing my daughter back in November and now my husband wanting a divorce because I look too much like her and can't stand to look at me was absolutely crushing to hear and to have him going around messaging my friends trying to get them to hangout with him is even worse I feel so ugly and I hate myself now because all I can think of is how he said he can't stand to look at me anymore #Depression #Anxiety #Divorce #Heartbroken

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Is our marriage a sham?

I was recently diagnosed with QBPD, it has been a 36 year struggle. Anyway, my trauma stems from my childhood and not being in a caring, loving, supportive environment. I have had numerous failed relationships until I met my now wife. We have been together 24 years, married 16, 2 kids etc. Our relationship has always been challenging, lots of arguments etc. I would reach a point where I would become frustrated and criticise her lack of caring, intimacy, support etc. (most arguments were from her being a little high maintenance). Anyway, I have shared an overview of my relationship with my wife, the dynamic etc with my psychiatrist. She believes that I fell in love with someone that recreated an environment that was similar to the environment I was brought up in. On reflection, this does make perfect sense, and is clearly evident when looking back over the years.
Here we are now, I finally have a diagnosis, I know I can recover, but our relationship is on its last legs, discussing separation etc. I don’t think she can take the journey with me through DBT etc., I’m nurse she wants to. But my question is, was our marriage a sham in the first place? Did my BPD make me fall in love? Is it really someone I truly want to be with? God! Just when you think you are on a road to recovery, you get thrown a curve ball and now possibly throwing divorce into the mix. Any thoughts? # BPD #qbpd #Divorce #Relationships

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Fibromyalgia and marriage

This illness is ruining my marriage! I am writing in tears because my marriage is over because if this. My husband thinks it's all an excuse and because I haven't worked for so long I have no money. I have nothing! 25 years gone. Thanks! I am am so angry and lonely right now! #Divorce #ButYouDontLookSick #Fibromyalgia

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