ptsdnightmares

I am just venting. Sorry... no disrespect or anything. Just need it off my chest. It is written as if I am talking to someone as it was easier that way to get my thoughts out. I am mid anxiety attack so hopefully it makes a lil'sense haha. ******

I never hid my blood was messed up AND I never had an issue with it for 7 yrs...I had no warning. No signs or symptoms... I never lied to you. I never cheated you or hid anything. I was supportive. Constantly giving to you. Defending you. Helping you. Loving you.

When I got sick in December, you said and did things that meant the world to me. You promised right to Sunday, that we were okay - you would help me in my surgery recovery. You would not let me deal alone.
Your mother says I am to leave you alone. You say now not to rely on you for anything and that you need time to work out why you have been sad and angry for several months long before I had medical crisis. Knowing I need you now - knowing I am beyond terrified. You turn your back. After you asked your job to talk time off to help me. Why?
You say I didnt do anything wrong, has nothing to do with me being sick -

But how can I not wonder if it is? I am a chronic overthinker. I am emotional now as I am stressed and scared. I cannot sleep without seeing the blood everywhere. I cannot sleep without a nightmare anymore. Is there someone else? Did I do something? Why am I not good enough? Why? Why show love in front of others but not me in private? I am in love with you - are you in love with me still? I miss you.

Why am I more worried about supporting you now; when I am the one who could die in a moments notice? Why am I bawling and thinking of your wellbeing?

My anxiety has me physically throwing up and chest pains. I almost went to hospital it was so bad yesterday.

Go ahead. Take your time but why push me away if I am not to blame?

I hear your words but see different actions. I would go to the end of the world for you. Your mother says it will be a long time but won't tell me what is happening and you won't tell me. I am dumb enough to wait for you. Even after I will be dealing with my surgery and recovery alone.

I feel so alone, lost and defeated. I can't close my eyes without seeing that day replay. When the hospital resusitated me, I was happy to have your kisses and love with me. I am sorry I am in pain, terrified, emotional and not thinking clear... I appreciate you. I am sorry. I am so sorry I almost died. I never meant to traumatize you if it did. I didnt know it was happening til I woke up in the ambulance. I am sorry. I am so sorry.

#hemoglobincrash #hemorrage #ptsdnightmares #Anxiety #Surgery #scared #Loneliness #whywontthepainstop #nauseous