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"Wiggle your big toe" health article

Sometimes when I enter my kitchen I want to scream. And it's not because of the Mylanta green paint job of the cabinets. (That was my previous place) Imagine standing still for a second, hands at your sides. You can feel the air moving past you. You feel strong, sturdy, and then you step forward. Foot picking up, surging through that same air and landing on the floor. It was just a step, no big deal. Right? Now to the point of screaming: imagine you go to move your foot again, but nothing happens. It's jarring at first, how your brain isn't connecting with your leg. You look down at your limbs those appendages you've had all your life. Suddenly you've taken for granted the will power you have. Never having to think or worry about something as simple as a step. Well, at least I never did until I was standing in my kitchen trying to walk and unable to move my legs at will. Finally after a few seconds of coaxing, my foot picked up in a rigid and clumsy manner. But it was a step forward. I tried to regain my balance, my eyes focusing on the kitchen tile. This is so stupid, I remember thinking, just walk Audrey. I moved my other leg, or so I thought it. After a few seconds it moved. I did this so many times in the day. It was so miniscule but the impact it made was devastating. I kept thinking move, just take a step. But then I didn't and I couldn't understand why.

I turned thirty-six years old this year. In a nest of dark brown hair, the few whites I have developed stick out. In all honesty, I am not quite certain how I am supposed to feel at this age. Am I supposed to feel the grievances of age? Am I too young? Truth is, I never planned on living this long, but here I am. Eyes bulging from my sockets as I stare at the kitchen floor. In those moments, I had more drive and desire that not even the little stains and spots could have distracted me. A small ball of dog fir blew across the linoleum like a tumbweed during the pivotal shootout in a western. I could hear the soft coaching of my husband as his grip tightened to keep me from stumbling. It's just a step, I pled. My foot rising up off the floor and down as I moved. I wanted to apologize to him, to tell him how sorry I was for tricking him. I felt so guilty. So different from when we first met. It's all been different since the symptoms started showing. But no matter when or where I am the soft assurance of his voice has never changed. He is continuously in my corner, fighting for me. From the troubled kitchen walks to the dystonia and spasms. He is there trying to pull me from a body I've lost complete control over. Lying on my bed, awake, and of sound mind, all of my senses are working. But suddenly I cannot move my body. I can grasp that time has changed, I can hear summer at my windows, the birds tweeting, I can smell the Gardena near the back door. I am functioning in every way possible except I can't physically move. Is there a word for this that conveys the fear, the uncertainty, and the depression I feel? Petrified? Panicked? That's how this disease or illness has made me feel. And I am petrified because there's nothing I can seemingly do to stop it. In the calm moments after I have regained my mobility, my mind wanders toward a sliver of hope. Hope that the Audrey prior to Long Covid is still a possibility. I am grateful with the pain and pressure gone. Even if for a fleeting moment, it's a moment I can draw again. A moment, I can play a video game, call a loved one, empty the dishwasher, or start a movie.

I will never forget the first time a tremor occurred in public. I was in the frozen foods of Publix. We had just about wrapped up our shopping. When down at my side, my left hand twitched. It started out small, just a finger or two, I remember trying to brush it off as nothing. During this time, tremors weren't as common as the spasming was. When my arms and legs spasmed it resembled what I could only assume an exorcism looks like. But as I stood there I could feel something different about it. I panicked, my eyes jumping from face to face of every passing person. I wished I was invisible, or that I could slink up into a Looney Tunes hole. I exchanged a plea with my husband who by then noticed my hand. He wrapped his hands around mine, trying his damnedest to slow the tremor. He knew how embarrassed I got in public places. But it grew to more than the two fingers. He handed me the car keys to make a swift exit, leaving the cart in the center of the aisle. All the while my hand picking up speed. And I am suddenly very aware of my existence as the isolation seemingly separates me. I am terrified that the outlandish cartoon-style of my shaking will bring unwanted attention. That dragging my feet behind me will disrupt every quiet space I step into. Eyes flocking my way watching the strange Igor-ish creature fetching Frankenstein's monster's brain. Normality is no longer a part of my vocabulary. Although I'd do anything to feel it once again. To feel confident and assured in my steps. Rather than clumsy in them.

In cruel irony, my mind will periodically wander back to 2022. When my only fear was a staircase, or a steep incline. I still had some semblance of myself rather than the misshapen creature that shook or writhed in pain. It is the strangest feeling and extremely sobering to witness your self-decline. To see the arms you had your whole life, that created crazy works of art and even a novel, suddenly lie limp. Unable to accomplish simple tasks. Or shake so violently that it just about knocks you off your feet. But worst of all, curl into this death grip resembling a talon. To look at those disfigured fingers, almost willing them to move. Or watching my own feet, sensing that something was off. Feeling every joint pop as if I was a werewolf in a 1980s horror film. To feel so foreign to myself, making it hard not to analyze every little tic. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #bodymovementdisorder #Article #scared #essay

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Anyone else feel this way? Looking for advice.

Hi there! I am moving into my first apartment with my boyfriend in a couple of weeks and I am so anxious. The thought of moving out of my childhood home and parents just feels so depressing…I am both excited and anxious. #Advice #Anxiety #moving #Leavingchildhoodhome #scared #change #differentroutine

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I’m sick 😷 #sad #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OppositionalDefiantDisorder #BipolarDisorder #CheckInWithMe #scared

I don’t usually get sick 😷 but I am at the moment and I’m scared 😱 because I don’t want anything bad to happen to me

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Helo darkness my old friend

Life has been so dark lately, and I can’t seem to find a way out. I am trying to focus on my work, going to the gym, running, it just doesn’t seem to be enough to get me out of here, my house is as much of a mess as my head. I’m tired of this chaos and really want it to be over, I want a clean slate , I though I was goi to get one this year, but I’m really struggling with my anxiety. I have been avoiding people because I just don’t think that I have any space for anyone’s issues, I’m also scared of the “Are you okay?” question because I know that’s going to break me down. I can’t seem to be able to quiet my thought, sleeping is a task without getting high, and yet the alcohol makes me feel even worse the next morning .I’m here because I’m just looking to vent without consequences #scared #anxious

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Friends #MentalHealth #alone #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #scared

I wish I had at least one more friend irl that was available to hangout with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone it is said that with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder being alone and the fear of being alone is definitely a symptom of that disorder and that makes sense why I’m feeling the way I am right now

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Feeling Dark

I went for a 4KM run, come back and had a cold shower. I noticed, albeit subtle, a sense of being on the edge of an extremely dark cloud which then I went back into. I was triggered three months ago into a high state of alertness that I haven’t come down from but I haven’t noticed the cloud so much before. It’s as if it sits over my entire head and when it does, I don’t really feel able to communicate, feel joy or pleasure. I tried keeping busy this morning which is something I don’t usually do. I cleaned the bathroom and tried getting washing going too. Had breakfast and am sitting down. But that dark cloud is over me right now. #MentalHealth #physicalsensation #Anxiety #alone #scared #PTSD #Depression

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Scared

This morning I think I had a manic episode even though I am not diagnosed with BPD I talked to someone I'm close to because she witnessed it who is bipolar and she said it looked exactly like one. I'm scared you guys. Right after the episode, I found out my therapist who is the first man I have ever trusted 100% is leaving. He said he'd be here for me and he wouldn't abandon me. They always leave. I am shattered. #BPD #scared #abandoment

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Preanticipatory Grief

Have you ever felt #Grief before the person who is terminally ill has passed away? I know that it will happen, but I also know that my brain is unable to really focus. Since I am on #prozac it makes it difficult for some internal emotions to be displayed.

I am feeling #sad and feeling a sense of #Loss without actually experiencing it yet. I think that it is because my Aunt is very ill and should make it through the holidays if we are blessed enough for that. I am #scared because I know what it is like to lose a parent as I lost my Dad last year to #Cancer and it hurts like crazy.

It is also #horrible when you #Lose a job because you called out so many times. It is not a good feeling at all whatsoever. That is grief as well. I am struggling and I really would like a #friend .

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I’m scared and done with this society… does anyone even care…? | TW mentions of police, family, swearing, some all caps, possibly ableism?

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Being autistic feels like a fucking crime these days.

I was staying at a hotel because was about to lose my fucking mind staying at home with my youngest nephew making a lot a noise constantly throughout the day. What my dad said earlier about check-out, I’ve misinterpreted, but he fully apologized and takes full responsibility as he should’ve made it clearer.

I was getting ready to check-out, but it was an hour later because I was getting ready to check-out. Security came to my door and said that I needed to come out, and I told them that I was just getting ready to leave. Packing as fast as I possibly could, they came back again and threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t get out of there soon. I literally told them that I was packing as fast as I could and that I had an appointment an hour after the check up time (and I couldn’t reschedule or else my mom would have to pay over $100 for canceling ,and I didn’t want to do that to her!) … and of course they did care about that last part.

Pissed off, I left the hotel in tears and placed the card keys at express check out. I wanted to complain, but I didn’t bother because I was just so mad and honestly scared for my life.

My dad told me that the police part is just something they say to get others out. If this is a fucking neurotypical norm, I want to let you know: 1) I HATE being pressured or someone trying to rush me and 2) I HATE being FUCKING THREATENED, especially regarding something TO DO WITH THE POLICE! Are you kidding me?!?!

Society SERIOUSLY needs to know how traumatizing and/or stressful that is to hear for neurodivergent individuals who 1) completely misinterpreted what check-out restrictions mean, 2) are trying their fucking hardest to do something in time, and 3) LITERALLY MEAN NO FUCKING HARM!!!!!!!

Now, I’m fucking scared to even go outside anymore. I feel like society just doesn’t want me. I feel like society just sees me as a criminal, or just sees my autism as criminalistic.

I know I was overstimulated earlier with my younger nephew, but I’d rather deal with this and possibly lose my mind than be FUCKING THREATENED TO HAVE THE POLICE ONTO ME!

#IsThisAbleism #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #NeurotypicalNorms #StopThis #Police #overstimulated #Norms #scared #Stress #Society #venting #Vent #triggerwarning #MentalHealth #Ableism

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Going back to God

Hi Everyone I am trying to bea better Christian for myself and for God. I left because I was going through a lot in hindsight I should have stay but I didn't. #stressed #scared

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