I don’t usually get sick 😷 but I am at the moment and I’m scared 😱 because I don’t want anything bad to happen to me
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Life has been so dark lately, and I can’t seem to find a way out. I am trying to focus on my work, going to the gym, running, it just doesn’t seem to be enough to get me out of here, my house is as much of a mess as my head. I’m tired of this chaos and really want it to be over, I want a clean slate , I though I was goi to get one this year, but I’m really struggling with my anxiety. I have been avoiding people because I just don’t think that I have any space for anyone’s issues, I’m also scared of the “Are you okay?” question because I know that’s going to break me down. I can’t seem to be able to quiet my thought, sleeping is a task without getting high, and yet the alcohol makes me feel even worse the next morning .I’m here because I’m just looking to vent without consequences #scared #anxious
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I wish I had at least one more friend irl that was available to hangout with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone it is said that with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder being alone and the fear of being alone is definitely a symptom of that disorder and that makes sense why I’m feeling the way I am right now
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I went for a 4KM run, come back and had a cold shower. I noticed, albeit subtle, a sense of being on the edge of an extremely dark cloud which then I went back into. I was triggered three months ago into a high state of alertness that I haven’t come down from but I haven’t noticed the cloud so much before. It’s as if it sits over my entire head and when it does, I don’t really feel able to communicate, feel joy or pleasure. I tried keeping busy this morning which is something I don’t usually do. I cleaned the bathroom and tried getting washing going too. Had breakfast and am sitting down. But that dark cloud is over me right now. #MentalHealth #physicalsensation #Anxiety #alone #scared #PTSD #Depression
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This morning I think I had a manic episode even though I am not diagnosed with BPD I talked to someone I'm close to because she witnessed it who is bipolar and she said it looked exactly like one. I'm scared you guys. Right after the episode, I found out my therapist who is the first man I have ever trusted 100% is leaving. He said he'd be here for me and he wouldn't abandon me. They always leave. I am shattered. #BPD #scared #abandoment
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Have you ever felt #Grief before the person who is terminally ill has passed away? I know that it will happen, but I also know that my brain is unable to really focus. Since I am on #prozac it makes it difficult for some internal emotions to be displayed.
I am feeling #sad and feeling a sense of #Loss without actually experiencing it yet. I think that it is because my Aunt is very ill and should make it through the holidays if we are blessed enough for that. I am #scared because I know what it is like to lose a parent as I lost my Dad last year to #Cancer and it hurts like crazy.
It is also #horrible when you #Lose a job because you called out so many times. It is not a good feeling at all whatsoever. That is grief as well. I am struggling and I really would like a #friend .
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Being autistic feels like a fucking crime these days.
I was staying at a hotel because was about to lose my fucking mind staying at home with my youngest nephew making a lot a noise constantly throughout the day. What my dad said earlier about check-out, I’ve misinterpreted, but he fully apologized and takes full responsibility as he should’ve made it clearer.
I was getting ready to check-out, but it was an hour later because I was getting ready to check-out. Security came to my door and said that I needed to come out, and I told them that I was just getting ready to leave. Packing as fast as I possibly could, they came back again and threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t get out of there soon. I literally told them that I was packing as fast as I could and that I had an appointment an hour after the check up time (and I couldn’t reschedule or else my mom would have to pay over $100 for canceling ,and I didn’t want to do that to her!) … and of course they did care about that last part.
Pissed off, I left the hotel in tears and placed the card keys at express check out. I wanted to complain, but I didn’t bother because I was just so mad and honestly scared for my life.
My dad told me that the police part is just something they say to get others out. If this is a fucking neurotypical norm, I want to let you know: 1) I HATE being pressured or someone trying to rush me and 2) I HATE being FUCKING THREATENED, especially regarding something TO DO WITH THE POLICE! Are you kidding me?!?!
Society SERIOUSLY needs to know how traumatizing and/or stressful that is to hear for neurodivergent individuals who 1) completely misinterpreted what check-out restrictions mean, 2) are trying their fucking hardest to do something in time, and 3) LITERALLY MEAN NO FUCKING HARM!!!!!!!
Now, I’m fucking scared to even go outside anymore. I feel like society just doesn’t want me. I feel like society just sees me as a criminal, or just sees my autism as criminalistic.
I know I was overstimulated earlier with my younger nephew, but I’d rather deal with this and possibly lose my mind than be FUCKING THREATENED TO HAVE THE POLICE ONTO ME!
#IsThisAbleism #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #NeurotypicalNorms #StopThis #Police #overstimulated #Norms #scared #Stress #Society #venting #Vent #triggerwarning #MentalHealth #Ableism
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I have always been too scared to share the details of my life. I have been scared of rejections, rebellion, and even of myself. I am scared that I will not be able to handle the things that I hold in. I am scared for the pain to get worst. I am scared for the pain to disappear. This pain makes me who I am. It makes me sad, depressed, and anxious. But, it also makes me strong, resilient, and motived. There is a piece of me that does not want to let that go. But, I need to in order to continuing living life. I can no longer keep living an unhappy life with anxiety, distrust, and anger. I want to be happy. I shouldn’t have to stay up late nights crying. Movies shouldn’t trigger me. I shouldn’t be triggered by things that so called normal people find entertaining. I should be happy during holidays and birthdays. But instead, I party and numb all the pain with drugs and alcohol. I go through life wishing I felt nothing. I do not want to die, but I wish to felt nothing at all. This isn’t how life should be. I want to feel. I am scared because I do not know how it feels to feel. And if everything gets better, will I be better? Will I ever be truly happy after disclosing my truth?
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