scared

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    I just had a panic attack and I’m stuck in my head #PanicAttacks #scared #stuckinmyhead #recovering #PTSD

    I just had a panic attack. I was having a deep conversation with my boyfriend reflecting on my past.. and I got stuck in my head. As the old memories flooded back into my head, my hands started shaking. Then my heart started pounding… yet I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My mind and body suddenly remembered all of the feelings and all of my fears. Even though I was much smaller back then, I couldn’t help but feel so vulnerable… reliving every moment as if it was all happening again. My world started closing in and I coulnt stop trembling. Once it finally stopped… I felt completely stripped my all energy, and time. …..

    It has been a few hours, but I still feel so strangely numb. I can’t quite get myself to snap out of it. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t panicked like this in so long. What are you supposed to do after a panic attack? (By the way, I am in counseling) What are some things you do to calm yourself down when you’re scared? What are some things you do to try to get out of your head for awhile? Anyone have any good song recommendations?

    8 reactions 4 comments
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    Competitive Sport

    By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

    It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

    I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

    If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

    There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

    My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

    It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

    My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

    It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

    In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

    #self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

    5 reactions 1 comment
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    EMDR treatment

    Not quite sure what really to expect everyone of my traumatic experiences that i need to go into seems numb to me right now , i know i might be #overthinking # but im #scared #

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    Anyone else have a Driving Phobia, Driving Anxiety ?

    And how to not judge yourself for it?
    #Driving #scared #wanttoimprove #Anxiety #Fear #alone #Curious #Support #shsme #Empathy

    14 reactions 14 comments
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    Crossroads

    Does anyone know that moment where you have to make a decision and you are looking at both roads ahead. They both take you on a journey of uncertainty. But one looks / feels so much harder than the other.
    So you are torn between between the two.
    Not knowing which one will give you the outcome you desire.

    I know I can’t see into the future and there are always mountains, deep rivers and cracks through each journey.

    I have a gut feeling and my mind is telling me which way to go right now. But I’m terrified. I don’t want to let myself down. But I also don’t want to loose myself in the process.
    Which is where I am now at the crossroads.
    #Crossroads #Anxiety #Depression #scared #idk

    5 reactions
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    Scared and alone

    Two days ago I had a Pap exam because I’ve been bleeding and I’m post menopausal. The Pap results came back yesterday. The CA125 is at 206 which is not good. Im scheduled for an ultrasound on Tuesday. Then I see a gynecologist after that. I have several health issues already that I’m battling.
    Im scared out of my mind snd I feel very much alone even though my family is supportive. I can’t sleep very well and I’m up by myself a lot just going down rabbit holes I shouldn’t be. I thought maybe I’d post here on The Mighty and see if anyone else can shed some light on, or empathize with, what I’m going through. Thanks in advance. Healing thoughts and vibes toyou all. #scared #ChronicIllness

    1 reaction 5 comments
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    Scared and sick and tired

    Betrayed....
    That's the word that comes into my mind, when I think about having
    several chronic illnesses.
    Betrayed by my own body. Having to fight just to do the "normal" things in life like
    getting up, taking a shower, going to work etc.
    Every time you think you've come to terms with the current status life throws
    something new your way.
    And there you are… Again standing before the next mountain they expect you to
    climb.
    In my case this mountain is named MPA (Microscopic Polyangiitis)
    At the moment it's just a suspicion.
    But I'm tired. Tired of getting a new diagnosis every other day. As if EDS, PTBS,
    Autism, chronic Migraine blablabla isn't enough.
    Tired of them expecting me just to take it. To put on that brave face and keep going
    like it doesn't affect me.
    Truth is: I am so scared right now.
    And I don't know how to go on from here....
    #DistractMe #CheckInWithMe #scared #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Vasculitis

    9 comments
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    Incompetent Med Manager. HELP!!! #Panicking #scared #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Fear #Medication #help #MentalHealth

    I have an appointment with a scary med manager ive seen once...i dont know how to handle this...
    I live with medication resistant depression, bi-polar 2, anxiety and PTSD. Over 30 years I have gone through about 20 medications as well as ECT and Ketamine. Nothing has worked. I am educated on the brain and drugs...because I have to be.

    This is long, please keep reading!!!

    I have to rely on 4 medications, including Klonopin, a benzodiazapine. It is not just for anxiety, it is for bi-polar.
    I have tried 2 new med providers. In 4 months. The first one tried to kill me by prescibing tramadol when i am on an MAOI. I made the first mistake EVER, dang it, taking double klonopin based on her orders instead of looking at bottle. 8 days. I was dealing with Pharmacy and therapist and her lackey. Stupid, but for my system, felt nothing! I called immediately and thought, no big deal, been on this for 10 years!!! She refused to refill AND did not explain it wasn't forever, she would have done next month. But no one called me back after 4 frantic phonecalls!phonecards!!
    I went through withdrawal and my therapist said ER. (I have no idea why she didn't help call Dr again). ER=drug addict.

    I asked for a provider at my hospital and just took next appointment. He's an RN with Psych training(no offense but...) by end of first visit with clear explanation by me, he fully agrees to 1 mg 3xday, my normal dose. Lol, I make him repeat it 3 times!
    Sooo . By now no Klonopin for 2 months and my manic is so bad I almost take my life!
    He gave me 10 days of 1m tid. I assumed a mistake. He didn't refill on time so another 3 days without. Finally get it... .5 mg tid!!!.I am calling daily saying he made a mistake. Took a full week to find out he's titration me off. That @%$,- KNEW he was going to do this at our visit and LIED to me.
    I've tried his supervisor, no response, spoken to another Supervisor who tried to reach her, nope. Made complaint to public relations, another message to MIA Supervisor.

    HELP!!! I have an appointment with him tomorrow and DO NOT want HIM alone! Maybe someone watching would keep him from lying?
    My son will be with me and I will record conversation.

    Sob! I'm terrified that he has control of MY medications and can do whatever he wants! This benzo fear is out of control!!! My last Psych and the 2 before all said " you will HAVE to be on this, don't go off, it is part of a regime that is keeping me alive.
    Also, if a Dr has 2 or 3 clients out of 75 on benzo, the government doesn't care. It's when 25% of your clients are on them becomes a problem.

    I don't know how to behave tomorrow. Luckily for him its telemonitored. Do I grovel, cry, or give him the look that makes children hide and men cry? No matter what, I'm a druggie in their eyes. Why, how, I hate living here.

    If I lose Klonopin again...I won't survive.

    Heidi

    1 comment
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    Memory loss/loosing grip of reality

    Hi all, I have a quick question for all you ptsd/anxiety/depression sufferers. I’ve been noticing recently memory loss getting seriously worse. Like I’m forgetting what I have done and what I havent done in work. Its almost like I’m loosing grip on what’s reality and what’s not, for example, I can see myself in my memory cleaning a work surface, but in reality I havent and it is still covered in food from when I’ve cooked. And then it freaks me out that I haven’t actually done it when I can remember doing it. That’s just an example but it’s happening more and more regularly and I’m getting to the point where I’m struggling to remember what has actually happened in my day and what my mind has just made up. Any advice? Or anyone even just feel the same to make me feel less crazy? #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #Worried #scared #Advice

    4 comments