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Feeling Dark

I went for a 4KM run, come back and had a cold shower. I noticed, albeit subtle, a sense of being on the edge of an extremely dark cloud which then I went back into. I was triggered three months ago into a high state of alertness that I haven’t come down from but I haven’t noticed the cloud so much before. It’s as if it sits over my entire head and when it does, I don’t really feel able to communicate, feel joy or pleasure. I tried keeping busy this morning which is something I don’t usually do. I cleaned the bathroom and tried getting washing going too. Had breakfast and am sitting down. But that dark cloud is over me right now. #MentalHealth #physicalsensation #Anxiety #alone #scared #PTSD #Depression

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Scared

This morning I think I had a manic episode even though I am not diagnosed with BPD I talked to someone I'm close to because she witnessed it who is bipolar and she said it looked exactly like one. I'm scared you guys. Right after the episode, I found out my therapist who is the first man I have ever trusted 100% is leaving. He said he'd be here for me and he wouldn't abandon me. They always leave. I am shattered. #BPD #scared #abandoment

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Preanticipatory Grief

Have you ever felt #Grief before the person who is terminally ill has passed away? I know that it will happen, but I also know that my brain is unable to really focus. Since I am on #prozac it makes it difficult for some internal emotions to be displayed.

I am feeling #sad and feeling a sense of #Loss without actually experiencing it yet. I think that it is because my Aunt is very ill and should make it through the holidays if we are blessed enough for that. I am #scared because I know what it is like to lose a parent as I lost my Dad last year to #Cancer and it hurts like crazy.

It is also #horrible when you #Lose a job because you called out so many times. It is not a good feeling at all whatsoever. That is grief as well. I am struggling and I really would like a #friend .

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I’m scared and done with this society… does anyone even care…? | TW mentions of police, family, swearing, some all caps, possibly ableism?

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Being autistic feels like a fucking crime these days.

I was staying at a hotel because was about to lose my fucking mind staying at home with my youngest nephew making a lot a noise constantly throughout the day. What my dad said earlier about check-out, I’ve misinterpreted, but he fully apologized and takes full responsibility as he should’ve made it clearer.

I was getting ready to check-out, but it was an hour later because I was getting ready to check-out. Security came to my door and said that I needed to come out, and I told them that I was just getting ready to leave. Packing as fast as I possibly could, they came back again and threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t get out of there soon. I literally told them that I was packing as fast as I could and that I had an appointment an hour after the check up time (and I couldn’t reschedule or else my mom would have to pay over $100 for canceling ,and I didn’t want to do that to her!) … and of course they did care about that last part.

Pissed off, I left the hotel in tears and placed the card keys at express check out. I wanted to complain, but I didn’t bother because I was just so mad and honestly scared for my life.

My dad told me that the police part is just something they say to get others out. If this is a fucking neurotypical norm, I want to let you know: 1) I HATE being pressured or someone trying to rush me and 2) I HATE being FUCKING THREATENED, especially regarding something TO DO WITH THE POLICE! Are you kidding me?!?!

Society SERIOUSLY needs to know how traumatizing and/or stressful that is to hear for neurodivergent individuals who 1) completely misinterpreted what check-out restrictions mean, 2) are trying their fucking hardest to do something in time, and 3) LITERALLY MEAN NO FUCKING HARM!!!!!!!

Now, I’m fucking scared to even go outside anymore. I feel like society just doesn’t want me. I feel like society just sees me as a criminal, or just sees my autism as criminalistic.

I know I was overstimulated earlier with my younger nephew, but I’d rather deal with this and possibly lose my mind than be FUCKING THREATENED TO HAVE THE POLICE ONTO ME!

#IsThisAbleism #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #NeurotypicalNorms #StopThis #Police #overstimulated #Norms #scared #Stress #Society #venting #Vent #triggerwarning #MentalHealth #Ableism

5 reactions 1 comment
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Going back to God

Hi Everyone I am trying to bea better Christian for myself and for God. I left because I was going through a lot in hindsight I should have stay but I didn't. #stressed #scared

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I Want to Feel #Anxiety #numb #scared #wishful

I have always been too scared to share the details of my life. I have been scared of rejections, rebellion, and even of myself. I am scared that I will not be able to handle the things that I hold in. I am scared for the pain to get worst. I am scared for the pain to disappear. This pain makes me who I am. It makes me sad, depressed, and anxious. But, it also makes me strong, resilient, and motived. There is a piece of me that does not want to let that go. But, I need to in order to continuing living life. I can no longer keep living an unhappy life with anxiety, distrust, and anger. I want to be happy. I shouldn’t have to stay up late nights crying. Movies shouldn’t trigger me. I shouldn’t be triggered by things that so called normal people find entertaining. I should be happy during holidays and birthdays. But instead, I party and numb all the pain with drugs and alcohol. I go through life wishing I felt nothing. I do not want to die, but I wish to felt nothing at all. This isn’t how life should be. I want to feel. I am scared because I do not know how it feels to feel. And if everything gets better, will I be better? Will I ever be truly happy after disclosing my truth?

10 reactions 3 comments
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Scared.

I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I KNOW something is wrong.
I KNOW I have lupus I meet ALL the criteria, I have all the symptoms Plus some of the more uncommon ones. Yet because of the health care issues I’m unable to get a doctor to listen to me even though you can clearly see the physical affects Lupus is having on my body
I’m scared that even when I do get to get tested what if they don’t show anything and they say nothing is wrong… when I’ve been living with this now for years now and I KNOW it is. Women in my family have it like more then 3 women have been diagnosed with it. What if they say I don’t then what do I do? I’m unable to work because of how exhausted I am. I can’t live a normal life right now. #Lupus #help #scared I’m trying to stay strong but I’m tired of not being validated just because I don’t have a piece of stupid paper having a green check mark. I don’t need to prove myself when I know.

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I am scared as hell about someone. Had a dream about them a couple nights ago that they had a medical emergency and didn't make it. Then I realize they have been MIA for a week. Reached out but no acknowledgement which is unusual. I am crying. Been praying like hell. Trying to trust God. There's a song that came to mind and am striving to do this even though it is so hard to do.

Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise You

Even When It Hurts - Hillsong #TheMighty #MightyTogether #scared #Worried #Concerned #Heartbroken #Fear #Crying #FearOfAbandonment #trigger #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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Scared

This is my first time posting here. I'll just rant it off like i donin my journal....
I missed an entire semester because of severe depression, that was followed by a month of winter break alone at home (my parents were there, that doesn't count). Now that I'm back at college, i feel so useless, I'm not even able to submit my assignments or understand anything they teach in class. I keep staying over at my friend's place because I'm scared to go back to my dorm. Every time i look at my desk there I'm reminded of all the things that are due, all the things i was supposed to be done with last week. I know all i need is time, everyone keeps telling me to take time. But i still can't help and not be overwhelmed. I wake up, look at myself in the mirror and get this sudden urge to cry (scream my head off). Even now I'm at my friend's room, i have already cancelled two Ubers and I'm not able to get myself to go back to my dorm. 2 anxiety attacks in between classes later I'm too scared to even go back to class.
#scared #overwhelmed #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

56 reactions 16 comments