ruminate

My highschool sweetheart. My first love. My only real relationship. My fiancee. He left me. He left me because he didnt feel he loved me that way anymore. At the time he was battling his own #Depression and #Anxiety after walking by my side and battling mine with me for a long time of our young lives. We were seperated for over 7 months. In that lifetime many things happened. As the universe and choice would have it - we are back together. I know he loves me still. And does now. I tend to #ruminate a horrendous amount. How dp I let go of the fear of him walking away again?

#Depression, #AnxietyDisorders and #BipolarDisorder - Oh my.

#howareyou #Selfharm This is often so difficult when asked. My mindfulness training wants me to answer transparently and honestly, but my survival instincts tell me to answer it like I always do, “I am alright, how are you?” There are some falsifies in that. 9 out of 10 times I am not doing great, and I secretly want you to say you are too, because I don’t know if I have the #emotional energy to listen to why you are not doing well. It’s not that I’m not #empathetic I do truly care, but I can easily get lost in your story and want to solve problems in your life while not taking care of my own.
It’s 5:30 pm and no one has asked how I am. That will change. In a few hours, we will have friends over for a pre-holiday, holiday dinner. I am using this as a warm up to the family holiday dinner. During the evening, a friend or two will corner me, and with sad eyes and an uncomfortable timbre in their voice will ask how I am. Part of me wants to say I’m fine, not to ruin anyone’s holiday but the truth is: I am struggling, each day I am here is a victory. I haven’t #Selfharm in over a year, but there were two #Suicide attempts. I am so full of #shame, #disappointment, and #disgust with myself, I don’t need any more from you. I am not selfish or a coward. Importantly, I am working hard on this every day. I see a psychiatrist monthly and a therapist weekly. I’m doing hard work, and progress is not coming as fast as I wanted it to. This is not where I thought I would be. Not only was I educated, driven, and successful. I was happy. Now coupled with #Anxiety and #Depression my life is significantly different. It is controlled by fear. Scared to leave the house, fearful of harming or killing myself, terrified that my husband will have me locked away, are things I #ruminate on daily. For the first time, I am at the mercy of my husband (who has never complained) for survival. I feel betrayed by my body and mind. Above all, I now am a shell of a person of who I was five years ago. Success today, is getting out of bed.
All things considered, let’s see which one I will pick tonight. As always, thank you for reading this and hope you have a great rest of the week.