empathetic

Iv been spending so much time since learning about my mental health issues trying to help and express to other people who need help. I'm pushing out all my good #empathetic energy to my S.O cuz he is having just so much issues and stress that I can't find a way to recharge anymore... I'm just so tired and its making me physically sick... I have given up so much for him and our kids that I can't even look at them without overlapping pain.. iv quit a job I liked to homeschool my girls during the pandemic.. and now no matter how much I apply I can't find another job..... I have given up on an unpaid internship of my dreams because the distance and gas prices were making my S.O stressed out about money... I recently just dropped out of my preforming group cuz I can't commit the time now that my S.O said he has been having suicidal thoughts......

And I'm just so tired...
So tired of being the one that gives up everything...
So tired of just being the parent with no other personality.....
So tired of not sleeping because of all the thoughts in my head......
So tired of being in pain.... #justtired #sotired

#Depression, #AnxietyDisorders and #BipolarDisorder - Oh my.

#howareyou #Selfharm This is often so difficult when asked. My mindfulness training wants me to answer transparently and honestly, but my survival instincts tell me to answer it like I always do, “I am alright, how are you?” There are some falsifies in that. 9 out of 10 times I am not doing great, and I secretly want you to say you are too, because I don’t know if I have the #emotional energy to listen to why you are not doing well. It’s not that I’m not #empathetic I do truly care, but I can easily get lost in your story and want to solve problems in your life while not taking care of my own.
It’s 5:30 pm and no one has asked how I am. That will change. In a few hours, we will have friends over for a pre-holiday, holiday dinner. I am using this as a warm up to the family holiday dinner. During the evening, a friend or two will corner me, and with sad eyes and an uncomfortable timbre in their voice will ask how I am. Part of me wants to say I’m fine, not to ruin anyone’s holiday but the truth is: I am struggling, each day I am here is a victory. I haven’t #Selfharm in over a year, but there were two #Suicide attempts. I am so full of #shame, #disappointment, and #disgust with myself, I don’t need any more from you. I am not selfish or a coward. Importantly, I am working hard on this every day. I see a psychiatrist monthly and a therapist weekly. I’m doing hard work, and progress is not coming as fast as I wanted it to. This is not where I thought I would be. Not only was I educated, driven, and successful. I was happy. Now coupled with #Anxiety and #Depression my life is significantly different. It is controlled by fear. Scared to leave the house, fearful of harming or killing myself, terrified that my husband will have me locked away, are things I #ruminate on daily. For the first time, I am at the mercy of my husband (who has never complained) for survival. I feel betrayed by my body and mind. Above all, I now am a shell of a person of who I was five years ago. Success today, is getting out of bed.
All things considered, let’s see which one I will pick tonight. As always, thank you for reading this and hope you have a great rest of the week.