Selfdeprecation

Today out of no where I burst into tears. I was alone with my thoughts and I felt so empty and lost. I knew I had things to do and take care of yet my body felt so drained. I couldn't find my way to accomplish what I needed to. Then of course, like old times, comes the self depreciating negative thoughts. "I am not where I should be in my life, that I am a lazy loser and I have nothing and no one in this world". I don't want that pendulum and I try to fight it but then I look at the clock and while I am fighting myself, I am also fighting time. I have tried gratitude journal and self affirmations. But i cant get myself there if I don't believe them. It is like i am lying to myself and i am grateful for so many things but it also shines a light on my greatest failures. I am pushing myself to keep going but all I see is all the plates I keep dropping and all the people I am disappointing everyday. It physical hurts to hide my pain and sadness to put on a mask just to get through my day bc no one wants to be around me bc I am such a bummer to be around when I am feeling low. I feel like I could scream. My whole life has been flipped on its head and I feel like skin is the only thing keeping me together. People don't have to say they are disappointed, bc I feel it and I hear it in their voices and in their body language. It is not enough I can barely give myself enough breath of energy to get out of bed but to be kicked down and torn to pieces along the way sure has a way of taking the Depression to another level. I feel like I am suffocating in my sorrow and I don't have a life raft anywhere. I just keep sinking and I don't know where to start to get my life back on track. #Sinking #Selfdeprecation #Suffocating #Skindeep