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New environment #Newjob highfunctioning #Bipolar #bartender #Server #industrylifewhilemanic

I started a new job last week. Wherever I serve food or sling drinks I'm quickly out in charge of making sure everyone is in the same page. This industry is cutthroat and I'm usually involuntarily put into a lead server position I really don't want. It stresses me out. I'm very good at what I do. I'm also highly sensitive. I let one bad customer or small criticism from a coworker quickly put me in tears. So being the new girl at a job is a lot like being the new girl in high school. Whispers and curiousity are natural until it becomes mean or jealousy
Again I'm very good at what I do. I would not have been doing it for 25 years i couldn't pay the bills with it. But.... I'm starting to have doubts about myself. I think sometimes I try to hard because my disorder puts so much chaos in my personal life work is all I have for normalcy. I over compensate. I know it. I despise when other people can see it. It's rare but the sad thing is I think they all think I'm on some kind of drug. I take no psych meds. They ruined my life. The endless guinea pig took a lasting toll on me. I'm forgetful and I have noticeable tartdive dyskenisia. I never feel comfortable disclosing my BP diagnosis and anxiety until it threatens my job. It always does and I've been fortunate and unfortunate in the managers and owners that have understood or just ignored me until I quit coming. I've only been fired 2x. We all know that bipolar people switch jobs more than they take showers;). Feeling very out of place and doing things my way become my biggest paranoid issues. I feel like people are staring or gossiping about me. Sometimes I've caught them. Sometimes it's all in my head. The toll this work has taken on my body is painful. I'm only 40. My fiance doesn't make enough money to support us both or we don't have money for trips or Walmart sometimes. I don't know. I just needed to get this out.


A Change of Thought Pattern

So lately when people are rude or just annoying to me. I keep thinking what they’re saying,expressing is for them. To make room for their ego. It wasn’t enough to think when people are mean or rude it isn’t because of me/the way I am. Thinking this feels ground breaking for my anxiety. It’s almost unexplainable. It feels right. When I say things it’s because of my thoughts. When I give someone an attitude it’s because something shitty happened and it’s bubbling over. When I have road rage it’s because im stressed or running late for work.

It seems like a simple concept but it’s hard to remember. Otherwise I wouldn’t have spent countless nights crying about how mean people can be while I’m just a server. It’s easy to take your anger out on a server I guess.

#Server #Anxiety #MentalHealth #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SchizophreniformDisorder #Insomnia #ADHD