Online dating with BPD
I've been single for well over 2 years. It has been an excruciating couple few years. Part of me is proud that (as someone with borderline personality disorder) I haven't completely lost it. I had never even been single for more than 6 months since high school.
I've been on and off of dating apps. I've begun to notice that my attachment is happening quicker than I would prefer.
I was talking to this woman who would have been perfect for my BPD. But I got all weird and ruined it. She brought attention to the fact that we had been talking everyday for a week. I hadn't noticed. Once she mentioned it, I went down the rabbit hole with it. All of a sudden it was over. I started freaking out about what it meant and what it could mean. Naturally, that meant that my BPD was going to ruin it, or her.
It was an awkward week after that, but the next week was on point. I asked her about meeting up (that first week we talked about it all the time) but she made a point to reiterate only as friends. I am always offended when I am told multiple times is only as friend. So then I went borderline again. Then she used words that trigger me. And that was it. I blew up her phone, apologizing and ending "it."
When that happens and I disassociate it is like I have zero control. I know I'm doing it, I don't want to do it, but it is like someone else is driving my body. At times an internal struggle with myself. Sometimes, I can hold off for a bit of time, but it always picks back up.
This chick could have been rad. As per usual I fucked it up before it started. This is the second time this year. When things like this happen I tend to give up dating for awhile. I'm terrified of hurting anyone the way I had before. I don't want anyone to suffer because of me.