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Am I dissociating or just distracted?

I think I have been dissassociating and drugs (mainly meth) to cope with my BPD, increasingly toxic relationship, and COVID. I've also been diagnosed with ADHD, so I first thought that maybe the meth use had just simply made my brain resistant to the increased focus offered by normal levels of pharmaceutical amphetamine, and that meth “damaged” my brain. I have since learned that those are both not entirely true and not entirely false. Lack of sleep, poor self-care, and the exhaustion of dating a covert narcissist/sociopath along with the stress of facing serious criminal charges as a result of being with him are and thus having to live in fear are ALSO probably reasons why I “zone out” or get hyper focused for hours on a random and irrelevant task. For those of you not educated about drugs who believe ALL the propaganda and stigma, the crystal meth is actually unlikely to be causing the tunnel vision/haze that I THINK would be categorized as disassociation. Certainly meth can induce punding behaviors, but this chronic “fog” is a little different. It’s not just continuous distraction. It also looks like: the inability to put my phone down, stop scrolling focus my eyes or mind on any one task in the moment, be present in conversations or feeling like I’m on “autopilot” rather than intention based. I feel like I have no ability to switch tasks or stop when I’m stuck on something. Usually I will be stuck on a repetitive, mindless task, or completely paralyzed in place and frozen for HOURS. When I feel the panic of realization that I’m late or have wasted time or blew something important off hits me that I’m probably disassociating. I let that fear let that and guilt drive me to compulsively keep going rather. It’s self-sabotage, freezing as a survival tendency, and self-punishment. I need to know if I just described disassociation, and what to do about it??? #Dissassociating #distracted #lonely #selfsabotage #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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What the actual...

My last post was a YEAR AGO 😩, I was so excited to finally be able to use this app and communicate with people who just understand me. It’s such a weird world to live in when every conversation it’s like I have to be careful not to offend, not to say too much, not to be to #Overwhelming , not to be a #Burden ... (I’m sarcastically laughing while typing that bc it’s always from the people who tell me “you can always come to me”, then I do and they’re like ‘do you seriously have to be so sad all the time? You’re ruining things for me”) it’s almost as if you are #alone in the world. You know in movies when it shows someone sitting or standing still but everyone/thing else moving extremely fast around them? I’m the person sitting still... I feel like that on a regular basis. Anyone else? Everything I say or do will be used against me at some point... and I hate it. I felt like this app could be a genuinely safe & GOOD place for my mental health. For some reason though, it’s ‘just another website to talk to people you don’t know’ (another one? I use Twitter & Instagram & have had both for YEARS) & ‘that’s really weird bc who tells a complete stranger anything personal about them?’... Then I feel guilty, ashamed, RIDICULOUS... There are reasons why I’ll be here and then disappear. I just get tired of arguing about things that I shouldn’t have to argue about. Does anyone else have these issues w/family, friends, s/o?? #Anxiety #Depression #Dissassociating #CPTSD #Relationshipproblems #Relationships

*picture Me & Riley being silly!! She’s kind of a big deal #Blessed

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#emotionalflashback vs Work Brothers

"So I used to lie and say I had GI issues when I was having an anxiety or panic attack. Now I lie and say I'm having a panic attack when I'm having a flashback. Can we just #breakthestigma and it be okay for ppl to not be okay so they can just get better instead of working on injuries? Oh wait this is first response, we work with broken bones, energy levels, spirits, and wallets."

The above is a text I sent in a group chat to my work brothers after waking up too late to call out. I got hectically ready and cried on my way in to work. That was when it dawned on me I was having an #emotionalflashback . And it's been a week full of them.

I actually tried to put the wall up, push the emotions down, and well you know... try actively #Dissassociating from them and their pain knowing good and well that would mean not feeling the good feels either. But it seemed the only way to make it through shift with how the morning and week were going.

But then, surprise, one of my brothers stopped by my station on his way home. He stayed chatting with me and my partner till our first call dropped not too long after clocking in. It gave me the courage to drop the idea of disconnecting from my emotions.

A few hours and calls later, another of my brothers found himself totally unfazed by my "hug attack" in the hospital's er bay. He let me burn off some anxious, annoying energy before we parted ways. It was the boost I needed to keep going.

Neither mentioned anything about the text. Neither called me out in front of anyone else. Both just gave me a few more extra minutes then I'd normally get from them. And it made all the difference.

They know I have a hard time reaching out for help. Thankfully they make it easy and worth it. And, without them even realizing it, they gave me a much needed burst of hope to keep doing my therapy and not give up admid a long frustrating symptomatic week.

I'm lucky to have some understanding peers and blessed to call a few my brothers. Most throughout the branches of first response are not so lucky, at least not when it comes to mental health issues.

The shift isn't over yet, but I know I'll make it through it.
Why? Bc my brothers have my six.

#EMS #Fire #Police #firstresponders
#Dispatch #iam911 #GY6 #PTSD #CPTSD

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Puppy Love

I cannot begin to explain what my 2 dogs mean to me. What they have done for me. About two years ago I started #Dissassociating as a symptom of my #Depression . My dogs are often the only thing that can bring me back to ground, and have kept me #grounded , preventing me from floating away more times than I can count. Their love helps me keep going on the bad days and bring me joy on my good days.

#MentalHealth #Dogs #ForTheLoveOfDogs #disassociation #ChronicDepression


Loud triggers #Anxiety #PTSD

I struggle with loud sounds and lots of other stereotypical triggers. I’m finding that new triggers are slamming doors and yelling angrily. It’s rather new and I’m not sure the root of the trigger. I feel as though my mental illnesses are smart and ever evolving to find new and not so exciting ways to react to things. I’m really struggling with keeping my panic at bay and powering through this. I shower for hours on end with my head under the water with my hair over my ears so that all I hear is the rushing water and nothing else. I close my eyes and just go inside myself without even realizing that time has gone by because as soon as I’m brought back to the loudness of everything it’s like I can’t function. #Depression #Anxiety #Dissassociating #AQuietPlace


Online dating with BPD

I've been single for well over 2 years. It has been an excruciating couple few years. Part of me is proud that (as someone with borderline personality disorder) I haven't completely lost it. I had never even been single for more than 6 months since high school.

I've been on and off of dating apps. I've begun to notice that my attachment is happening quicker than I would prefer.

I was talking to this woman who would have been perfect for my BPD. But I got all weird and ruined it. She brought attention to the fact that we had been talking everyday for a week. I hadn't noticed. Once she mentioned it, I went down the rabbit hole with it. All of a sudden it was over. I started freaking out about what it meant and what it could mean. Naturally, that meant that my BPD was going to ruin it, or her.

It was an awkward week after that, but the next week was on point. I asked her about meeting up (that first week we talked about it all the time) but she made a point to reiterate only as friends. I am always offended when I am told multiple times is only as friend. So then I went borderline again. Then she used words that trigger me. And that was it. I blew up her phone, apologizing and ending "it."

When that happens and I disassociate it is like I have zero control. I know I'm doing it, I don't want to do it, but it is like someone else is driving my body. At times an internal struggle with myself. Sometimes, I can hold off for a bit of time, but it always picks back up.

This chick could have been rad. As per usual I fucked it up before it started. This is the second time this year. When things like this happen I tend to give up dating for awhile. I'm terrified of hurting anyone the way I had before. I don't want anyone to suffer because of me.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #OnlineDating #online #Lesbian #Depression #MentalHealth #MentalHealth #Dissassociating #singleforever #single #singleforever


Does anyone else struggle with disassociation in regards to their chronic illness?

I've been chronically ill since I was 10, symptoms have frequently been debilitating since I was 14. I'm 23 now, and I'm just now realizing that I never really embraced the fact that *I* am actually sick. It just hit me that I never really thought of it as *me* who struggled to get out of bed every morning, couldn't walk straight, or eat like everybody else, or the girl in more daily pain than the average 80 year old. I'm just now realizing that this is not someone else, this is not some part of me that I can run from, or that I can get back. It's weird because I thought I'd accepted my chronic illnesses, as part of me, but not owning me, the last several years, but now it's suddenly hitting me, that internally, I've always been somebody else, not connected with my chronically ill self. And now it's really hard to face it. I don't like that this is me, ya know? Does anyone else struggle with this as well? #Dissassociation #ChronicIllness #Dissassociating #chronicallyill


How long has everyone’s #PanicDisorder #Anxiety #Depression lasted?

Hi I’m new here I have been dealing with a rebound of panic anxiety and depression for over a month and for the first time ever I started #Dissassociating which was so scary made me feel like I was going insane. My fiancé committed suicide a year and half ago and I was starting to feel like myself again, then I got put on prednisone for an allergic reaction and that’s when I felt my panic coming in so much stronger. I’m just scared I’m never going to feel like myself again and I am so tired of my throat feeling tight and tongue feeling numb which brings on more panic. Sorry for the long story

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anyone else disassociate heavily after receiving their diagnosis?

i’m experiencing a lot of disassociation. it’s not particularly unpleasant, but i’m just curious if it was something other people had experienced after their diagnosis. dissociation has happened to me before but not frequently. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Dissassociating


Feeling like I’ve really gone to far

Into loosing touch with reality. It’s so hard for me to tell what’s happening and what’s not anymore. What memories I’ve create that have or haven’t happened. If the things people have said we’re actually said or not.... but with so much inconsistency in people telling me that never happened I never said that you know that the problem is you... I’m so lost I’m obsessing about what’s actually wrong with me because I feel like bipolar disorder doesn’t explain some of my behavior some of the off the wall symptoms I have but my mom continues to say it’s probably just the bipolar and my psychiatrist hasn’t really said much beyond bipolar anxiety adhd and I think we haven’t touch on it much but ptsd... my biggest coping mechanism is dissociation. It’s like as soon as the smallest trigger happens I shut down. Didn’t even know it was happening until within the last year... after a divorce and getting into a new relationship where he actually has helped me realize things that I do that my ex husband just ignored and push aside and let me go to dark places he should have never let happen... I’m so confused I’m tired I’m hanging on by the edge of this cliff trying to stay strong trying to hold on trying to fight I’m exhausted and no matter what I do I can’t seem to hold on to being stable long enough to ever get to just breathe and enjoy life and I’m tired of these obsessions just to have something to focus on that doesn’t have my brain all over the place 😭😩terrified of having to go through yet another hospitalization but I’ve gotten to the point I can’t hardly to take care of myself..... I have at least lost 20-40lbs in the last couple months. I have no appetite and it’s to hard to get myself to make myself get up and make food #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder? #INeedToTalk #AnxietyDisorder #PTSD #MixedMania #Dissassociating #Fibromyaliga #SuicidalThoughts #Obsessions