Am I dissociating or just distracted?
I think I have been dissassociating and drugs (mainly meth) to cope with my BPD, increasingly toxic relationship, and COVID. I've also been diagnosed with ADHD, so I first thought that maybe the meth use had just simply made my brain resistant to the increased focus offered by normal levels of pharmaceutical amphetamine, and that meth “damaged” my brain. I have since learned that those are both not entirely true and not entirely false. Lack of sleep, poor self-care, and the exhaustion of dating a covert narcissist/sociopath along with the stress of facing serious criminal charges as a result of being with him are and thus having to live in fear are ALSO probably reasons why I “zone out” or get hyper focused for hours on a random and irrelevant task. For those of you not educated about drugs who believe ALL the propaganda and stigma, the crystal meth is actually unlikely to be causing the tunnel vision/haze that I THINK would be categorized as disassociation. Certainly meth can induce punding behaviors, but this chronic “fog” is a little different. It’s not just continuous distraction. It also looks like: the inability to put my phone down, stop scrolling focus my eyes or mind on any one task in the moment, be present in conversations or feeling like I’m on “autopilot” rather than intention based. I feel like I have no ability to switch tasks or stop when I’m stuck on something. Usually I will be stuck on a repetitive, mindless task, or completely paralyzed in place and frozen for HOURS. When I feel the panic of realization that I’m late or have wasted time or blew something important off hits me that I’m probably disassociating. I let that fear let that and guilt drive me to compulsively keep going rather. It’s self-sabotage, freezing as a survival tendency, and self-punishment. I need to know if I just described disassociation, and what to do about it??? #Dissassociating #distracted #lonely #selfsabotage #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder