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Every Despondent Day

Today is one of those days. You know the kind. The kind where no matter what people say, look, do cheering up is just not happening. Short of someone telling me, I won the lottery. My total take home amount after taxes is 1 billion dollars, yeah, cheering up is not in the cards. I am not sure how many others are out there who have these days. These days you feel trapped. Since my divorce, I have no car, and no official income. I live with my retired parents and unemployed brother.(I am not sure why he doesn't even try to get a job but I am sure something is wrong with his spirit. He has mental issues of his own too. So, I try to cut him some slack.) I've been applying for menial jobs just to have some stream of income, with absolutely no success. Sure, I am halfway through a data analytics course. I have been working on this for 3 months. However, that brings in no income. On days like this I feel like I have climbed halfway up the depression hole, only to discover I am still at the bottom. All of the climbing you did yesterday was around the hole, not upwards. Also, by the way, the hole gets deeper every day. On days like this, my 100 square foot room feels like a glorified prison. I know I need to cry. I know I feel like this because I am exhausted and weary of the daily wear and tear life puts on us but there is no way to activate the catharsis because I officially have no one who "gets it". I have no one who gets me. I just want someone to give me a call, tell me, "Let's go have some fun. Don't worry I will pay." I want to get you out of the house. I want to get you away from the oppressive life you live with older Christian puritanical judgmental parents and family on watch, an annoying brother who will not get off the couch and bleeding clipped wings that long to escape this mind and body. Yeah, it's one of those days you have to wait it out.

#Depression #depressed #lonely #hopeless #MentalHealth #exhausted #weary #stuck #prison #catharsis #Isolation #Judgement #Escape #Needabreak #Fun #betterdays #Divorced #single #unemployed #noincome #livingwithparents #careerchange #financialstress#waitingforbetterdays

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The Least Wonderful Time of the Year

Just before Thanksgiving I boarded a plane to nowhere. The place doesn' t matter really. I wanted to extract myself from the unending circle of family tradition that rolls straight through Halloween to New Year's Day. Not only am I a survivor and carry the weight of CPTSD, I am single and estranged from my biological family. Holidays mean heightened awareness of my outsider status. Holidays are a dance I am never invited to--where I stand on the wall watching the crowd, perhaps a bit jealous (but mostly hopeful no one sees me) and terrified to be asked to join in. I am 13 again.

I left home at 15. My idea of holidays in my childhood did have feasts with multiple homemade pies, a plastic reusable tree and ornaments--and even, presents with my name on them. There was also a lot of screaming and crying, especially when late on the way to Church. There was also the time my mother burst into a Tasmanian devil cloud of anger at my father for having spoiled me with a Donkey Kong mini video arcade game. There was joy in singing holiday songs. And there was shame, guilt, self-consciousness, fear and anxiety. There were moments that we acted like a family because the world had given us a framework--a set of instructions: here is how to love; this is how you give; do this and enjoy being with family. We had the whole world of Believers to show us "how to."

As an adult, I am not a follower of the Catholic faith in which I was raised. If anything, I relate to the basic lessons of Buddhism though I am not deeply learned about the philosophy beyond what I read in Pema Chodron books and hear in her YouTube videos. I stopped celebrating with friends, who once gathered for Friendsgiving and Christmas dinner, when they started having families of their own now replete with kids, in-laws and all the extended relationships that come with marriage. I also, as much as I have good intentions, have not connected with a volunteer community for those who are in more visible need during the holidays. Or maybe their needs, in fact, haven't changed moreso than other seasons--but, again, the social construct of holiday tradition shows us how to serve them in November and December.

Back to my flight, it was a one-way ticket fortunately provided by my frequent flier account. I knew when and where to evacuate; I did not know when it would feel okay to come back home. I spent time comforted in the lack of pressure and expectation of strangers. Better, I relaxed in the spaces without any engagement at all save for nature. I spent three weeks contented to have chosen my outsider-ness, instead of dealing with the barrage of physical must-dos that society and commerce shove in our faces. I rejected it all.

When I came home, due to fatigue and a virus that was dampening my solitude and my ability to even do things on my own with congested lungs and brain fog, I retreated into the privacy and quiet of my home. I received a few invitations to friends' holiday gatherings with their small families. I melted at the invitations and shuddered at the pressure of a response that wouldn't out me as someone without a place to go. In the end, I stayed home. I cowered inside myself, just like when I was a little girl.

I didn't allow myself to watch Christmas movies or listen to holiday music or hang anything around my home that made me aware of my aloneness at the most wonderful time of the year. I did buy foods I like and slept a lot and came to The Mighty to selfishly take the microphone that is the welcomed ability to tell it like it is to people who might be more likely to understand than anyone else in my home life.

Here's the zinger: I did/do not want to be cheered up. Instead, I want to be understood. It's not comforting to have to stuff down true emotions so that others are comfortable with my choice to be alone. I don't want tips on how to get through it. Newsflash, my mad survival skills are why I'm still here today. I simply want to be acknowledged for the fact that this is different reality that a whole segment of an unseen world live--and no one wants to really look at it. At us. I think I can speak for a lot of people who struggle with CPTSD--some without even knowing it--that what would be great during the holidays, that wipe out more than a quarter of a year, we can function without judgement, most especially self-judgement, and live the truth. It is simply that this isn't the most wonderful time of the year--and it's okay to do whatever we need to do to stand in a crowd where we can't belong. We want to be with you and bask in all the goodies that the majority of the world embraces. But our life circumstances, our brain wiring, our trauma--all of that clashes with the family togetherness that frames the holi-days. Many of us wouldn't have the trauma to begin with were it not for our families.

So let us save space for the ones who wish they could belong. Let us allow the outsiders to at least own their own words and feelings. May our holidays be whatever we need them to be, not what has taken shape in passed down traditions that shut out less shiny experiences. Let us shed love and light on those who carry darkness through no fault of their own.

#holidaytruth #CPTSD #traumasurvivor #Family #estrangedfamily #single #alone #okayalone

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What's bothering me today? Being single in 2022.

I know its better to get it out than to keep it in so here it goes.

This is a guy who "likes" me and I guess is trying to impress me. I no longer use medical marijuana because although it helps my anxiety it doesn't exactly help my depression so I've taken other routes to supporting my mental health that have been working. I know he's trying to be nice and "joking" but possibly because I know him, this rubbed me the wrong way and I'll tell you why later.

Conversation on social media:

Him: Makes post on social media of sweet treats.

Me: You eat edibles now?

Him: I'm getting better so I can hang with you.

Me: I haven't done it in quite a while so you're way ahead of me.

Him: What! Are you okay? Do I need to make a delivery. Lol

Me:Wait...not doing eds means I'm not okay?? 🤔 Backwards nation we're living in lol 🥴

Him: Whats up, why u not doin well? Bc you haven't had any

Me: What?

Him: Haven't had any weed? I'm not bein fresh

Me:Am I suppose to have it? Lol I'm not being fresh either lol

Him: So what do want? Drink, food or other?

Me: I'm good. Thank you.

Him: Np ❤️ smarty 😂😂

Why did this conversation bother me?

#1 : When you tell someone you're not drinking or smoking and they ask you are you okay? My question is," Why do YOU feel the need to drink and smoke and are you okay?"

Nowadays when you choose to be sober in a drug addicted world, others see it as strange or you're the one who's not okay. 🥴 Weird.

#2 : When you tell someone you're not drinking or smoking and they still offer or ask do you want some?

This is my life and my journey. Of course I can always kindly and simply say no thank you but nobody should be put in the position to be questioned and to explain themselves as to why they don't want to do something that they don't want to do.

#3 : I have a medical card and can get marijuana whenever I need it. I told him I haven't done it in quite a while but he still offered me some. I don't need a stanger dropping off weed to me. This bothers me because people who don't have access or money would have fallen into this trap and taken off their journey not to mention the safety and security concerns. I especially want women to be careful in situations like this but everyone should use their best judgment.

#4 I get that I am who I attract and I attract who I am but come on universe what this be? Lol Right now I'm in my own little world, healing in my own little universe. I see situations like these as tests. I believe when you're moving into a new chapter in your life the universe will see if you're ready to move forward and im ready. Nothing is going to have me go backwards. Upward and onwards is the only direction I'm headed.

#5 Why did I relate this to being single? Because we would have never met and exchanged numbers if I was in a relationship. We met twice previously and never even indulged in any weed together. He's not a bad guy but trying to impress me this way is a major turn off.

Okay, rant done! Good night 🌃

#Depression #MedicalMarijuana #Anxiety #Dating #weed #single #Life


Can't seem to get out from under

I try so hard to get out from under the many challenges of depression and other issues.
I'm on disability and am started to work part time. I'm in a private type of subsidized housing. My son who has multiple disabilities and now is blind is trying to become independent and move out. He is really struggling.
I don't know why, but my rent is being raised $50 per month. I'm barely making it financially now. I was badly scammed and had fraud and identity theft be ause I was so stressed out I didn't realize until too late that the people calling and pressuring me were a scam.
I have severe medical issues that require surgeries and I won't get paid for the time because I'm new and part time.
I have lost all my friends due to my depression and other illnesses. I have really failed in life. I'm a single mom and have tried hard but failed my son in many ways. I'm afraid we are going to end up homeless.
I hate the system. I got off it before and I wish I had never gotten back on but I ended up back in the hospital. I am angry at mental illness. I am angry people judge me so harshly. I'm angry at the trap the disability system puts me is so hard to not be angry at myself because I haven't gotten better and succeeded.
I've been doing this for decades and I am old now, and feel worse in my depression, etc. than I ever felt. I honestly can't think clearly enough about how this is going to work out. I will try to talk to the property manager. The rent will probably go up more because I haven't reported I'm working. I feel like there is no way out and no way I'm going to make it, but that is my depression talking.
I'm sorry to be a downer. That is why I have no friends. No one wants to be around a depressed person. I'm supposed to be positive. #Depression #alone #struggling #Finances #single mom #Not making it


Share your experience with depression and connect with people to support you.
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#Valentines #lonely #Autism #OCD #ADHD #Christian #single

Valentines is always a really hard day for me. I’m 32 I‘ve never had a girlfriend. I’m so lonely 😭 I want to have someone to share life with. This day is so painful 😓 the picture attached is just a little bit of humor based of the Portal games. But I seriously am really lonely 😩 I don’t know if anyone could love me or would want to be with me. I don’t have a job though I’m trying to start my own business. I’m on SSDI. Is marriage even a possibility for someone like me? If I can’t even provide enough is there still a woman who would have me?
I feel so defective. What kind of a husband would I be? I have a desire to be a good husband for some to be able to provide for a wife and children. I don’t want to be selfish and marry just because I desire to. I want to be able to bless the woman who would be my wife.

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Single at wedding again #single #singlesawareness #sad #Anxiety

I am about to go to a wedding reception again. By myself. As a friend of the groom. We were never an item, he's 15years younger than me, though his family questioned out friendship. I am stoked that he's getting married, I talked to him being excited while dating, I was dating. But my relationship with a guy that's depressed, ended.
I have anxiety about stupid remarks from his family. Feeling like Bambi, going to the lions.

But he's my friend and I'll go but boy, it takes guts to be single. 🥺

Who can relate...


filling the void

for the first time since i was young, i have been filling the void with validation/sex from women and men (
going from one bad relationship to the next, being promiscious
its raw and the feeling of lonliness creeps up, but for the first time in my life i am single and learning to love myself
any advice for the empty feeling ?
#BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Lonliness #Healing #Selflove #single #Trauma #BPD #Void


Anybody Single and Living Alone with Chronic Illness?

Sometimes I am very grateful that no one lives with me. I don't have anyone questioning my condition and what I can and cannot do and what I should and should not be doing. It is a judgment free zone, other than the times I judge myself. 😁 I do, however, at times feel that the right companionship could be another layer of healing. Healthy companionship and having someone to pour yourself into and vice versa, can do wonders for the mind, body, and spirit. What say you?🌻 #single