I just looked up when's the #DeadLine for #Admission to an #online #School and just doing that made me feel #anxious #Anxiety
I've #Struggled #academically all my life. Was always a C/D student with a few Bs in the mix. I hated all forms of schooling: #inclass #oneonone #Tutor ing #online . Every single one I struggled with.
The highest degree I currently have is an #AssociateDegree . And I barely passed when getting that. Hey, but C's get degrees right?
Last year I was taking online courses to get my bachelor's, but I was doing sp bad that the school kicked me out. I hated every second of it. The reading, the listening, the video chat room meetings. I just hated it.
I hate it so much that now I have to force myself to use my laptop because my brain associates my laptop with school and just thinking about using it in any way gives me a headache. I literally stop using my laptop after the school kicked me out because I felt so bad. So guilty. That I got kicked out of school.
I was never a terrible student in primary or high school or junoir college when in came to disciplining. Yes, I was on academic probation at one point in each of my academic level life, but I never made it get so bad as to get kicked out.
Online schooling was so new to me it took me a whole year to figure out how to actually attend classes. Plus I was also just stepping into the world of work when I started doing online classes. But that's not an excuse to fail and get kicked out of school. So many people do school and work and have kids and have multiple jobs.
In comparison to them, I only had one job and was still living with my parents. Well, my parents are narcisstic so that's like living on thin ice: it's always cold and your bound to cause a crack with every move you make.
They were a major cause of my past academic downfall in my previous academic levels. However, I should have been use to dealing with them already, therefore they can't be an excuse for me now either. I made it through primary, secondary and junior college with them constantly physically, emotionally, financially, and psychologically abusing me hence I should have been able to handle them plus online school.
But then again, online school ment I would be at home MORE, whereas all my previous academic life I had to leave home to attend classes. Maybe being around them more affected me more than I like to admit. Maybe that's why I'm currently struggling again because COVID has me stuck home and I'm constantly around them 24/7.
I see my only escape from my parents, who are the main cause of my mental health problems, is for me to get a job and move out.
I want to start school again in January because account to everyone in my family-Thats what you do. You have an associated degree therefore you must get a bacholers and masters degree or else you're doing nothing with your life. "AND in order to get a GOOD job you HAVE TO have a master's degree!! "
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