You're Not Alone If It's Hard For You to Eat In Front of Others

If you sit in restaurants and fidget in anticipation before your food arrives, you may worry that no one understands.  If you start conversations with your friends during meals to take away from the fear you feel, you may believe that you’re the only one.  But if you have a hard time eating in front of other people, you aren’t alone.

I spent years grappling with my social anxiety at restaurants, completely unaware of the extent to which I was afraid to eat in front of others. I scoured menus many times over, wondering what my friends would think of I chose each option, and when our food arrived I was painfully aware of how I ate, from the way I held my utensils to my pace to whether or not I decided to take home my leftovers. I knew that on some level, I feared eating in front of other people but I always managed to (mostly) enjoy myself, so I brushed off the pervasive ways in which my fear affected my life.

It wasn’t until I was sent to eating disorder treatment for the first time that I discovered how much eating in front of others scared me– and how many people felt the same way.  As someone who refused to believe she had anorexia, I assumed treatment would be easy to navigate, but the minute I ate my first snack in treatment I was confronted with the terrifying reality of eating in front of seven strangers.  Somehow, I managed to finish, but my fear of eating with other people became a recurring theme at every meal– and it wasn’t just my own.  Every time I noticed myself taking a moment to breathe because my fear was overwhelming, I typically saw at least one other fellow client in the same situation.  As we processed our fears and eating disorder histories in group therapy, I realized that even though I felt alone in my struggle for years, so many people are afraid to eat in front of others.

I went through multiple rounds of “social eating” exposures in coffee shops and restaurants and let myself feel genuinely anxious until my anxiety gradually began to wane.  I confronted fear foods with other people present and gradually grew more confident in the places that once made me overthink every bite I took.  And every time I watched someone else struggle, I sent them mental words of encouragement: I know how hard this is, but you can do it.

My first time in eating disorder treatment wasn’t my last, and when I returned to treatment, my fear of eating in public also returned full-force.  Some days, the anxiety I felt at breakfast with other clients or while confronting fear foods with my new friends after treatment ended for the day stopped me in my tracks.  In those moments, I wondered if I’d ever truly feel comfortable eating in front of other people or if eating in public would become a lifelong struggle.

The COVID-19 pandemic reduced my exposure to the restaurant meals that often overwhelmed me, but without that experience, some of my anxiety became harder to conquer.  Still, as restaurants began to reopen, I (safely) went on dinner dates with my boyfriend, who quickly became adept at noticing when I was struggling and was always willing to help me in any way I needed.  I gradually built up a sense of comfort around him that I hope to feel at bigger food-related social gatherings as people are vaccinated and the world becomes safer.

Although I’ve made significant progress in eating in front of other people, it’s still anxiety-provoking and challenging much of the time.  Still, I find a sense of comfort in knowing how many others fear eating in social settings, and I hold onto hope that I can continue to confront my anxiety and learn to enjoy food no matter who I’m eating with.

If you struggle with eating in front of others, you may feel like your challenges are rare or experience invalidation from those around you, but your social anxiety is real and so many others are fighting the same battle.  Eating in front of other people can feel anxiety-provoking and overwhelming, but with time, you can progress and begin to enjoy food with others again.