StreamOfConsciousness

I'm completely numb right now. I ate because my tummy was making scary sounds. Pauley is going to poach some chicken and I want to care enough to help her but I don't. I just want to curl up in bed and meditate until I fall asleep.

My ex girlfriend told me she's getting back together with her ex girlfriend. I don't think I needed to know. I've been in a bad mood since she told me. Do I miss her? I dunno. We talk sometimes. She's usually busy.

My long distance QPP and I chatted a little bit today. I told him about my super awesome coffee adventure...and then about how it made me incredibly sick. He's really important to me. We've been friends for 6 years and QPP for 2 years. He's my mentor and my best friend.

I'm going out for dinner with my QPP (Thursday night). We're going to a local bar that has absolutely amazing food. I want to be excited. But part of me says he's gonna pull some shit last minute. He'll be at least an hour late.

Pauley slept till close to 6pm today. I want to spend quality time with her but I also want to go to bed. I love her dearly but she's really gotta get her shit together. I'm doing what I can do to help her but right now I can't afford more. I'm seeing the huge changes from not having her meds. I feel helpless.

I'm so tired. I don't have therapy tomorrow cuz my therapist is going out of town. We didn't reschedule for a different day cuz I just didn't care. My lumbar feels like I got slammed by a 2x4. I at least don't have a migraine (knock on wood). But my tummy hurts still. I got sick 7x today. I think it stopped after I took the first dose of antidiarrheal pills. But my tummy is making scary sounds.

I don't talk about it much but I'm really struggling with my weight. I'm gaining about 2 lbs per month. My insulin is definitely not helping me. My BG is still frequently over 350 and I'm eating healthier. At least I'm trying to. I've been craving healthy snacks like fruit and veggies with hummus. I just got a really yummy hummus called everything bagel style hummus. It's ridiculously delicious.

I don't know why I post here anymore. Nobody comments on my posts. But nobody cares on FB either. Maybe I'm just trash.

#StreamOfConsciousness

I am gonna do a page of journal prompts with Pauley tonight. She's been kinda bitchy all day cuz her laptop keyboard doesn't work very well. She needs a new keyboard. Maybe focusing on the journal prompts will help her feel better. She's currently washing out my water bottle so she can make a bottle of juice.

I finally got a good look at the abscess on my boob. It's on the areola. It's about the size of a dime. Hurts like hell. I keep squeezing it out every hour. I was thinking of getting a washcloth and soaking it in warm water with Epsom salt and letting it sit on the booboo for a while.

I was gonna dye my hair tonight but I don't have any spoons. Today was enough. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow after I get home from lunch. I should feel pretty good when I get home. Kathy is like family.

I ordered groceries for delivery on Thursday. I'm getting some really good stuff. It's not easy cuz I have to check everything for sodium content and serving size. Most of the stuff I consider comfort food is high in sodium. But I'm excited cuz I'm getting the ingredients for cheesy tomato garlic toast. It's gonna be awesome. I used to make it all the time but I haven't made it in over 10 years. So this is gonna be a real treat.

I'm craving coffee but I'm going to have some sugar free piña colada flavored juice mixed with sugar free tropical punch juice. It's really yummy. I'll set up the coffee maker tonight and program it to turn on at 8am and turn off at 830am. I'll probably use the French vanilla lavender flavor coffee but just a small amount cuz the flavor is so strong. It's really good in moderation.

After the appointment I had today I feel a bit better. Yesterday my therapist said it's not shameful to be struggling with what I've got going on. He said I've had to be strong for such a long time and it's logical for me to be exhausted. Today my headache specialist said the same thing.

I talked to my mom today and told her I've lost interest in coffee and cooking. She was like well I wonder why. I said "remember when I was gonna have you look up something? It's called anhedonia. It's a symptom of depression. It's loss of interest in hobbies and interests" and she was just like wow. She'll never understand. I've gotta make peace with that.

My back really hurts. I'm gonna take a tramadol and ask @pauleyholm to put some CBD cream on my back after she's done eating yucky oatmeal.

#StreamOfConsciousness