It has taken me so long to reconnect my fragmented parts of self. so I can even just start to feel like my authentic self I was always ment to be.
I’m not fully there. I know this process/journey of finding self is not a straight line and to my immense frustration am also now aware there is no finish line. Still hate hearring/recognizeing that but at least intellectually I get it.
I’m awake again with my mind spinning with so much. Trying to reframe the thought s of what’s wrong with. How come I can’t get traction in my life. The enormous distractions of trying to understand what I’ve been dealing with for the 52 years of my existence. For me my #CPTSD is the umbrella for my #Depression (major depression ), #Anxiety , #PersistentDepressiveDisorder (dysthymia) and #BipolarDisorder .
Growing up with 1 grandiose narcissist and a covert narcissist meant I was and still am gaslighted on a daily basis. The toxic dysfunction is long term/chronic emotional abuse. From birth I was made to doubt myself and not dare to have my own thoughts and feelings. The gaslighting/brainwashing from such a young age had me continually confused. I was left to try and figure out everything on my own. My innate being is an #HSP . My natural temperament of being continually curious and really wanting to understand the world around me was stifled. I wanted to understand deeply how things worked but then my parents could not let me be too smart. Now I know you never point out to narcissist that you actually do know when they are lying. They masked this is in they…well all adults know best. So learn but don’t learn the truth.
My thoughts were wrong, my feelings were wrong. I became invisible. With narcissists never show them the real you., any of your vulnerabilities. My 3 older siblings helped. Just recently 1 brother said to me what I’m experiencing in my life is insignificant. All this while telling me he’s a life coach and I just need to join a gym to solve all my problems. Oh he was magnanimous and would pay for it too.
Those words “what’s going on in your life is insignificant” cut deep. To them, to the world I’m insignificant. I chose the wrong friends, the wrong romantic partners….I subconsciously surrounded myself with narcissist over and over. I was programmed not to know my own mind. I was so easily molded to continually discount my own mind. Everyone new more/better than me. I was continuously told I shouldn’t think or feel what I’m thinking or feeling.
So surprised surprise I learned to dissociate, disconnect from my feelings and ultimately my true self. Remember I said I’m innately an HSP. HSP”s are extreme empathetic emotional sponges. I naturally think and feel deeply but I shut it all down before the age of 10. I became a robot until I started completely dysfunctioning at age 35. My first breakdown. It’s taken me almost 20 years to make sense of things. Unfortunately got retraumatized a few more times with very unhelpful therapy. Got better help now.