emotionaltrauma

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Why?!?! | TW suicidal ideation, swearing, some all cap text

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My laptop won’t turn on anymore. Everything starts up okay except that the screen is black. I REALLY hope that it’s just the battery…
JUST FUCKING WHY?! It was working JUST FUCKING FINE yesterday!!! I JUST HAD A GREAT DAY YESTERDAY, WHY DOES LIFE WANT TO HATE ON ME SO FUCKING MUCH?! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!

I FEEL LIKE LIFE JUST WANTS ME FUCKING DEAD. I don’t know how FUCKING LONG I can take this pain. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know!

JUST LET ME HAVE A FUCKING GOOD DAY WITHOUT IT BEING HORRIBLE THE NEXT DAY, GOD DAMN IT! If that can’t happen, I should’ve ended my life sooner. I hate this fucking life. I hate everything (/not literally). Fuck everything!!

Maybe I should just fucking end my life already. I HAD IT!!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #SuicidalIdeation #Grief #SuicidalThoughts #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #emotionaltrauma #Suicide

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What am I going to do…? New apartment situation | TW parents, kids, mentions of being threatened from past hotel experience, emotional abuse trauma

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So I’ve finally moved in with my dad to get away from the traumatic experiences from living with my mom, and my sister and my sister’s kids who have moved out already.

One of the reasons I wanted to move out is to get away from the noise my nephews (especially the youngest one) were making which drove me crazy and get very overstimulated often… but here, we live on the first floor and for a while we’ve noticed that our walls suck. And guess what, a kid’s up there, too. Our neighbors upstairs noise is super noticeable, we can hear their footsteps good enough, even in the mornings. It doesn’t matter where we are in the apartment, we can still hear everything pretty well. And it’s annoying, especially when I’m still trying to sleep or even when going to sleep at times. And in the mornings, they’re one of the causes for negative thoughts, whether that’s in general or about my past, and I’m already ticked off for the morning.

I know that this is only temporary and are planning to move into a house next year, but this sucks. We never asked for this. I can’t go back to where I used to be and I refuse, I’m done with dealing with my mom’s overcompensation and just remembering that was where the continuation of emotional and some verbal trauma took place since 2014. I’m also terrified of hotels now because I had a misunderstanding on when to leave and a security guard threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t make it out in time, leaving me in tears and so much anger and felt like this city hated neurodivergent individuals or something!!

I tried noise canceling headphones, I’m trying earplugs (even really good ones!), I tried my white machine, but I’m still too sensitive to the noise and it still leaves me with negative thoughts in the mornings sometimes. And I was hoping to move into a place where I didn’t had to do that anymore!!

My dad said that he’ll try talking to the neighbors upstairs again, but I honestly don’t think there’s much that can be done, and I feel like I’m always talking to him about this every weekend. What if the neighbors upstairs just don’t care? And especially since summer break will be coming up for them, I’m scared… not to mention that I hate summer because of the freaking bugs that tend to overstimulate me as well if I’m outside for too long.

Is asking for peace and quiet so much to ask for?? It’s bringing me in tears.. /rhetorical question

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #emotionaltrauma #overstimulation #overstimulated #apartment #moving #OSTD

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Long fought journey, #survivingnarcissisim #emotionaltrauma

It has taken me so long to reconnect my fragmented parts of self. so I can even just start to feel like my authentic self I was always ment to be.
I’m not fully there. I know this process/journey of finding self is not a straight line and to my immense frustration am also now aware there is no finish line. Still hate hearring/recognizeing that but at least intellectually I get it.
I’m awake again with my mind spinning with so much. Trying to reframe the thought s of what’s wrong with. How come I can’t get traction in my life. The enormous distractions of trying to understand what I’ve been dealing with for the 52 years of my existence. For me my #CPTSD is the umbrella for my #Depression (major depression ), #Anxiety , #PersistentDepressiveDisorder (dysthymia) and #BipolarDisorder .
Growing up with 1 grandiose narcissist and a covert narcissist meant I was and still am gaslighted on a daily basis. The toxic dysfunction is long term/chronic emotional abuse. From birth I was made to doubt myself and not dare to have my own thoughts and feelings. The gaslighting/brainwashing from such a young age had me continually confused. I was left to try and figure out everything on my own. My innate being is an #HSP . My natural temperament of being continually curious and really wanting to understand the world around me was stifled. I wanted to understand deeply how things worked but then my parents could not let me be too smart. Now I know you never point out to narcissist that you actually do know when they are lying. They masked this is in they…well all adults know best. So learn but don’t learn the truth.
My thoughts were wrong, my feelings were wrong. I became invisible. With narcissists never show them the real you., any of your vulnerabilities. My 3 older siblings helped. Just recently 1 brother said to me what I’m experiencing in my life is insignificant. All this while telling me he’s a life coach and I just need to join a gym to solve all my problems. Oh he was magnanimous and would pay for it too.
Those words “what’s going on in your life is insignificant” cut deep. To them, to the world I’m insignificant. I chose the wrong friends, the wrong romantic partners….I subconsciously surrounded myself with narcissist over and over. I was programmed not to know my own mind. I was so easily molded to continually discount my own mind. Everyone new more/better than me. I was continuously told I shouldn’t think or feel what I’m thinking or feeling.
So surprised surprise I learned to dissociate, disconnect from my feelings and ultimately my true self. Remember I said I’m innately an HSP. HSP”s are extreme empathetic emotional sponges. I naturally think and feel deeply but I shut it all down before the age of 10. I became a robot until I started completely dysfunctioning at age 35. My first breakdown. It’s taken me almost 20 years to make sense of things. Unfortunately got retraumatized a few more times with very unhelpful therapy. Got better help now.

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Reflection of the day: " The journey of healing goes for the path of knowing yourself"

After suffering for depression and anxiety for so long, I thought I was broken, I was a weirdo and I needed to fix me. I was trying to change who I was, without trying to understand why. Being my number one bully. Ignoring my feeling like everybody else did, trying to fit, when all I really wanted was acceptance and love. Being seen. I'm learning to see myself, to acknowledge my emotions, to validate my feeling, and treat me with love, respect and patience. Still a long way to go, but it's worth it. #Anxiety #Depression #PMDD #learningtolivewithit #emotionaltrauma #journeynotdestination

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Understanding Impact of Childhood Emotional Trauma in Adults

Discover more about childhood emotional trauma, how it affects adults, and the warning signs of unhealed emotional wounds. #emotionaltrauma

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Toxic or abusive therapists

Hi everyone! I love the Mighty! Though, I am usually one to encourage others and not post
my own stuff. I deal with self doubt and thinking I might say something unrelatable. But here goes...because someone might relate and it’s something I want to get off my chest.

For years, I went to a therapist for mental health issues. I went 2x a week—for undividual and group therapy. At first for major depression/anxiety. And the first year or two she was really helpful, so I thought. Over time, she became less and less helpful and every time I told her I had gotten all I could out of therapy and the group ( I was there 9 years total) she told me I would fall apart and basically die without her. Part of that had to do with a bpd diagnosis that she had helped diagnose. And I did have some bpd traits at the time. But the crazy thing is she equated bpd with basically a life sentence—you must see someone (her) 2x a week because the diagnosis is too severe etc. Which looking back makes no sense.

Anyway, as time went on, I became more and more mentally ill (looking back now) and more and dependent on her—which is the exact opposite of how therapy should go. And also why I hesitated to talk about this topic for so long because I’ve actually had some really great therapists since I left the toxic one and I strongly believe in therapy being helpful (for the most part). Also, she would only see me if I also went to her group therapy. Group therapy was super confusing because we were made to say how great of a therapist she was—and she didn’t like dissent from that (even when I realized she was toxic). Anyway, super culty and brainwashy. My therapist also told me if I left and I hadn’t done the right therapeutic work with her—I would have a incomplete therapeutic record and it would mess with me being able to see a therapist in the future (if I wanted to be covered by insurance).

Luckily, I had a friend (who is a social worker) who helped me see that this therapist had some really skewed ideas. And basically no one can ever force you to stay in therapy unless it’s court ordered or along those lines. And it took awhile for me to see that—because I thought this therapist was only there to help me. I left this toxic therapist 5 years ago. And luckily I’ve had good therapeutic help since then. But it’s left some scars on me. I lost myself for years due to a narcissistic toxic therapist wanting me to believe that she was the only one who could save me...even though she was the one harming me. I mourn the time lost and I mourn my loss of self from being brainwashed.

I hope this experience hasn’t happened to anyone else. But I’m here to say I sympathize/empathize with anyone who has been taken advantage of and experienced trauma of any kind or pain really. We might not have the same story...but I can empathize with pain.

Here’s to radical acceptance of our pain and our journeys. I wish the best for everyone on here. Be well ❤️☮️ #emotionaltrauma #toxictherapy

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How can you find reliable peer support when you verbally process?


#ChronicPain
After someone really close to me recently told me that they feel they cannot support me (despite them doing so for the past 5 years and they have helped me the most - and I do the same for them) because everything they do or say "turns to dust", and they said harsh and judgemental things, I am feeling at a loss for supports who understand how I process.

Everyone in my life struggles with mental health/and or physical health issues. I know that having a large support network is key, along with having people that are "doers, listeners, distractors". I have a therapist, but my sessions are almost up. I need someone who doesnt mind checking in with me every day and who has empathy and compassion. I have had enough tough love, people dismissing or demeaning me, ableist attitudes and responses. Im working through intense trauma, and finally need to focus on me. But my resources have dried up and I'm hurting, frustrated, feel silenced, and very alone. #Need support #needhelp #emotionaltrauma #emotional #ExhaustedAlways #Recoveryinprogress #struggling #seekingsupport #MentalHealth #FeelingAlone #Processfeelings #proccessingtakestime #processdifferently #needingvalidation #silenced

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2 year anniversary of my biological father almost killing me

Emotional trauma has been hard to deal with this whole month but this week is specifically hard because I know it's that time again where I remembered my dad choked me to unconsciousness. To be honest, I'm just not feeling today. I'd rather get my schoolwork done at home or somewhere different than school because I'm disassociating so much. Honestly, I've had in my headphones all day. I've been feeling really down about myself lately because I'm still not over the 10+ years of emotional abuse my dad did to me. I wish I actually had a normal dad as well as mom because I'm noticing my mom is a lot like him. They are both just as abusive but in different ways. I keep saying, I lost one parent and I feel like I'm losing the other. It just gives me so much anxiety! I don't know if anyone's actually gonna see this but I can't keep holding this in.
#emotionaltrauma #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth

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