today it got cold, really cold. All that was reaching into my brain and pulling on loose threads of memory, ugh. So much happened in winter, from being afraid on the bus on the way home, because the road was icy but they just decided to risk it, to being trapped in the house because of the snow and the cold, nowhere to go to soothe myself after my mother's anger, contempt and bitterness, to being afraid out in the snow because it muffled everything, both for the little color I can see and made the sounds go away, all the things that would have oriented me were covered, all of it was smothered and that's how today feels, like it's smothering me. I know flashbacks are not the same as memories, but it's an odd line for me, because I have had the kinds of experience where you feel like it's physically happening again, but these experiences I'm having today, I know logically I'm here in my own apartment, the time and day if I concentrate I can tell you, but the emotions I'm having are exactly what I felt then, so I'm not sure if it's a memory or not. Some of us are trapped in the then, some are conscious of the now logic but we're all scared. Scared of what might happen, what has happened, and how similar it all feels because in every experience there was either turning you from a person into a target, turning you from a person into a number, or turning you from a person into something that somehow had done something that deserved isolation, humiliation, and all the confusion the world could produce. That's where I'm stuck, isolated because of not having any friends, really not knowing anyone because I was always told I was too abnormal to have long-term friends, lack of funds to get out, and confusion, because everything looks outlined, one step to the next, but then one person will say something, another will contradict it, a 3rd will give a kind of partial agreement with both others. Confusion because something was supposed to be delivered to me, but they kept delaying because they said it needs a signature and they just don't knock at the door, or I'd answer. I've done two things I usually don't do, one is to get up early and wait for them and not use my headphones for my meditation so I could hear, and the other is to sleep with my bedroom door open, something that causes me a huge amount of anxiety. I did that for 2 nights. Now fedex is giving me no other option other thn to go to their store and pick up the package there. SNAP was cut off almost 3 months ago, and they said they have a form for dad to fill out since he cosigns here, but they didn't include it with the letters or have it on their website. I'm fighting an army of confusion, and have gone from a person to a number. It's spinning my head around, and I just want someone to comfort me, someone to get it, to understand that maybe I am something closer to a person than a number or a target, someone to say "yes, I do understand, and can do something that will help in a major way" I'm worn out. So tired and yet still getting mad at myself when I made dinner and accidentally left something out, or for not cleaning everything in one or two days. God damn it I just want someone to notice that I'm still alive and breathing and maybe am worth visiting. #Dysthymia #Fibromyalgia #CPTSD #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Loneliness #Isolation