I’m still invisible...., #Depression #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #survivingemotionalneglect #survivingnarcisticabuse
I’m only now learning how to emotionally integrate how my #CPTSD has been impacting me. I only became aware and started attending #ACA group meetings this past fall. Until this fall I did not completely feel validated that my early emotional trauma was truly recognized and real. Of course my toxic and emotionally abusive family of origin would not admit or acknowledge my suffering. I found out the hard way that most of my long time friends are more like my family of origin then I realized. Why I only seemed to find narcissists to get romantically involved with. Then one negative workplace after the other, breakdown after breakdown over a 15year period took its toll where I’m now on ODSP (the Canadian/Ontario version of disability).
It has taken me years to connect to my emotions that I had stuffed away at some point in my childhood. Why I became so emotionally disconnected. Now I see how my over analyzing part of me was my way of disconnecting and dissociating from my feelings, from my hurt and justified anger. All the pain and suffering I took over to minimize and dismiss, that my feelings do not matter in the big scheme of the people and situations around me.
My people pleasing nature allowed every single person in my or came into my life to walk all over me. Of course I had been completely unaware I was “allowing” people to treat me this way. Take advantage of my caring nature but not give even a fraction back I return. I did not think, I still have difficulty feeling worthy. Feeling worthy to be respected, listened to or loved. Deep down I still believe I don’t deserve to be loved. To have even one person be there for me and not expect me to be always there for them.
I have made isolation my safe place so no can get close to me. I do not know how to make and maintain healthy relationships. I’m still only the support for so many wounded people I’ve me5 along the way. Even yesterday I ended up supporting someone through a panic attack. Of course I couldn’t abandon them.,..right. But guess what no was there for me when I had my own panic attack 3hrs later. I’m always alone because I had to talk to and rely on a stranger on a distress line since there is no one in my life who is there for me.
My inner child is silently screaming, yelling and crying for someone to come and notice her. Her cries are still being ignored and worse, being accused of being selfish and self absorbed.