survivingemotionalneglect

Unfortunately this also means I do not do well in complete isolation either. Starting from scratch trying to find and create my circle of people who produce peace is very difficult during a pandemic.

Plus in my isolation its hard not getting caught up in the "what ifs".

What if I had parents who created and nurtured peace? What if I had at least 1 extended family member who provided what my parents couldn't? Even a teacher or a childhood friend who stuck by me.

To be that innocent child who had the potential to be so open to curiosity and adventure. Who wanted and had the courage to explore, meet new people and have new experiences.

By the time I was in my 20's I only knew how to pretend to be so fake and make sure no anyone really got close to me. That was then my existence for the following decades.

Now I only know how to be alone. That being alone is the only way I know how to live in peace. Its so hard at this stage to now allow myself to be vunerable. I have not been truly vunerable since I was a very young child. My walls are so thick and can't imagine anyone wanting or willing to try and get through them.

I intellectually know there's no point getting lost in the "what ifs" I know I need to embrace in who I've become despite them.

Its just that I'm so hypervigilent now that I'm not sure I'm even capable of letting anyone in. Even those who could offer me peace.

Its been a really overwhelming emotional time for me. I'm in the midst of an intense internal emotional shift that has rocked me to my core. I had to reconnect to my true values and principles to rebuild my emotional core foundation from what seems like scratch. It's been really hard learning to love myself.

So especially throughout the winter I had become an isolated hermit. I'm being reminded that sometimes it is the simple little things that can make a big difference.

So as the weather started to shift too I just wanted to have more light in my place. Went on a mission to find decent curtains on a shoestring budget. I finally found some that really lets the light and this has had an immense boost to my spirits.

Even my cat is at more peace.....pretty bad that I'm so jealous of my cat. I want reach that kind of calm, peace and contentment. At least with this little improvement has given me much more hope. #Selfcare #Selfcompassion

I’m only now learning how to emotionally integrate how my #CPTSD has been impacting me. I only became aware and started attending #ACA group meetings this past fall. Until this fall I did not completely feel validated that my early emotional trauma was truly recognized and real. Of course my toxic and emotionally abusive family of origin would not admit or acknowledge my suffering. I found out the hard way that most of my long time friends are more like my family of origin then I realized. Why I only seemed to find narcissists to get romantically involved with. Then one negative workplace after the other, breakdown after breakdown over a 15year period took its toll where I’m now on ODSP (the Canadian/Ontario version of disability).

It has taken me years to connect to my emotions that I had stuffed away at some point in my childhood. Why I became so emotionally disconnected. Now I see how my over analyzing part of me was my way of disconnecting and dissociating from my feelings, from my hurt and justified anger. All the pain and suffering I took over to minimize and dismiss, that my feelings do not matter in the big scheme of the people and situations around me.

My people pleasing nature allowed every single person in my or came into my life to walk all over me. Of course I had been completely unaware I was “allowing” people to treat me this way. Take advantage of my caring nature but not give even a fraction back I return. I did not think, I still have difficulty feeling worthy. Feeling worthy to be respected, listened to or loved. Deep down I still believe I don’t deserve to be loved. To have even one person be there for me and not expect me to be always there for them.

I have made isolation my safe place so no can get close to me. I do not know how to make and maintain healthy relationships. I’m still only the support for so many wounded people I’ve me5 along the way. Even yesterday I ended up supporting someone through a panic attack. Of course I couldn’t abandon them.,..right. But guess what no was there for me when I had my own panic attack 3hrs later. I’m always alone because I had to talk to and rely on a stranger on a distress line since there is no one in my life who is there for me.

My inner child is silently screaming, yelling and crying for someone to come and notice her. Her cries are still being ignored and worse, being accused of being selfish and self absorbed.

I keep hearing “trust in the process”. Some days it’s so hard though. Was talking to a friend and we are both struggling to live a full, well, rounded life in today’s landscape. We have no clue how to! The damage, and it is damage, to our true selves is so pervasive. On the bad days it seems like it’s impossible to change anything.

We were already struggling before COVID, but now it feels like the barren vacuum is widening.The loneliness and isolation was there before this year and COVID only highlights and magnifies that something very importantly crucial is missing.

I started doing intense therapy about 5 years ago. The “journey”, “process” has been a very long convoluted, overwhelming, winding road with so many pot holes and which I definitely fell of the side of a few cliffs along the way. Continuing to getting back up and on track gets more exhausting each time instead of easier. Plus I have no clue what will happen as this process evolves. Processing what missing is so difficult because I don’t think a I can recognize the feelings of what’s missing. I do not know what whole looks or feels like because I have never experienced it before in my 51 years.

Without guarantees or any kind of certainty it’s a continuous challenge. Some days I recognize or get some little validations that shows I’m moving forward. Then other days I feel like I’ve taken ten steps back.

So staying positive about being in this process is very difficult, but going back, and reverting to my old ways is not an option at this stage. I have to continue forward otherwise I could get stuck in some kind of stagnant cocoon. That’s not living. I want more then to just exist! Today I feel lost.....again....

#CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #HSP #adultchildrenofdysfunction #tryingtofindtrueself

I’m so alone and isolated I cannot remember the last time I was held or was even just hugged. No one in my life cares or acknowledges I’m struggling. I’m so pathetic that I’m researching weighted blankets. I’ve been told they are good for stress and anxiety and can simulate feeling like being hugged. Well these blankets cost around $250 CND and up. I’m essential broke living on disability so I can’t even afford to buy a hug. Doesn’t matter how much I figure out what I need it’s like world continuously reminds me I’m not even worth having the simplest things in life...touch, connection. #Depression #Isolation