It took me 51 years to figure this out for myself. #CPTSD #HSP #survivingemotionalneglect
Unfortunately this also means I do not do well in complete isolation either. Starting from scratch trying to find and create my circle of people who produce peace is very difficult during a pandemic.
Plus in my isolation its hard not getting caught up in the "what ifs".
What if I had parents who created and nurtured peace? What if I had at least 1 extended family member who provided what my parents couldn't? Even a teacher or a childhood friend who stuck by me.
To be that innocent child who had the potential to be so open to curiosity and adventure. Who wanted and had the courage to explore, meet new people and have new experiences.
By the time I was in my 20's I only knew how to pretend to be so fake and make sure no anyone really got close to me. That was then my existence for the following decades.
Now I only know how to be alone. That being alone is the only way I know how to live in peace. Its so hard at this stage to now allow myself to be vunerable. I have not been truly vunerable since I was a very young child. My walls are so thick and can't imagine anyone wanting or willing to try and get through them.
I intellectually know there's no point getting lost in the "what ifs" I know I need to embrace in who I've become despite them.
Its just that I'm so hypervigilent now that I'm not sure I'm even capable of letting anyone in. Even those who could offer me peace.