I’ve really been making some very big shifts in my life over the last few years.
It is extremely scary and hard at the same time. I’m still filled with so much fear.
While I’m a little better at self care. There is still a part of me that holds onto the old distorted idea that self care is selfish and self indulgent.
Yes I’m reconnecting to my feelings. Meaning I actually am successful at letting myself experience my feelings in “real time”. Sometimes I’m successful in actually naming my hurt, fear, anger and resentment. Processing current hurts but more importantly accepting and getting validation for the past decades of pain and hurt.This I’m calling my tsunamis and flash floods of emotions that are still sometimes catching me completely off guard. I’m trying to ride through the natural waves of emotions and not stop and avoid them like I was programmed to do from my early childhood.
Just listened to a podcast where it was stated of how a young child gets so confused because they have no clue how to process the mixed emotions of love/hate that can coexist towards our dysfunctional parents. Unfortunately many of us were never shown how to navigate this. This is the start of the worry/stress that turns into crippling #Anxiety and #Depression that I struggled with in silence and completely alone for decades. Then all of that turned into #BipolarDisorder .
Only recently do I have a better understanding that all of those diagnosis stem from #CPTSD (which is also known as early childhood developmental trauma). I’m on here repeating a lot of this because until recently all of this was so confusing and overwhelming that I had become so paralyzed in my life. I was stuck and it has been an extreme and intense emotional rollercoaster ride that I had no control over for years. My only break was basically reaching my emotional limits and literally crashing so low into a zombie state for days and weeks until the next crazy ride picked up and threw me into another emotional chaotic ride.
I got connected to #ACA (Adult Children Anonymous) last fall. Being around other adult children from dysfunctional families of origin. Learning together and finally getting so much validation from my peers is phenomenal. Among them I do not have continually explain and justify my reality of lived experience from day 1 till now. Understanding why I struggle so much in my adulthood with relationships and why I’ve not being able to live a life of, at least, satisfaction & contentment if not happiness.
I’m learning so much more about who I am. Connecting to and beginning the long road in being able to embrace my innate personality traits like being extremely empathetic. Being an #HSP #Highly Sensitive Person or HSP. I also discovered I struggle with elements of #ADHD . The more I’m learning to understand how my brain works ADHD makes more sense then my bipolar diagnosis. Right now that makes the difference of how I’m able to embrace and deal properly with my reality.