I've had #Depression since I was 14, at least. Along with a severe anxiety issues.
I always managed to mask or fake it until I made it to be "me". People said that when they thought of me they thought of rainbow glitter unicorns. I was proud of that. I had an issue with alcohol and used it as a social lubricant. I was constantly crashing and ending up in crisis, but I had core things that made me me.
18 months #SOBER . I was a huge reader. I was outgoing. I loved cooking. I made a huge effort to be around friends.
I finally got put on meds that worked and it was amazing for about 5 months. I hadn't ever felt that good as far as I could remember. I got my first ever full time job and a lot of good things were happening, but the meds started to become less effective and working 40 hours a week wasn't manageable. Started feeling alot better in December/January again. Got really sick with Mono And Strep Throat£. Missed a month and a half of work. Went back for about a month before Covid shut it all down.
The major point is that I dont feel that spark in me anymore and haven't since April. I'm not reading. I'm not cooking. I'm sleeping all of the time. If I laugh it is more of a chuckle and doesn't actually make me feel any better. I cry constantly. Covid has isolated me even more than I was. My house is trashed. Not doing any of my signature planning. #TheHappyPlanner I'm not journaling.
I just can't. Eating, brushing my teeth, and wearing pants hardly ever all happen in the same day. I could just stare at a wall l day.
I feel dead inside with waves of sadness and anxiety that are so intense I have to hide so I don't go crazy. Thanks, #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
I'm not being a good #mom or #wife and I'm not pulling my weight.
I'm not me anymore and I don't even feel it deep down anymore. I'm losing confidence that those parts of me even exist. I can still fake it for short periods of time, but then I'm useless for days.
I'm #safe I'm not going to hurt anyone or myself, or relapse.
I just started a new med, #cymbalta and am in the process of getting an appointment with a neurologist because of different issues and possibly a Neuropsychologist. My Mom had MS. Neurologists scare me.
Welp. Im gonna go back to watching #Cat videos so that I can stay awake until at least 8:30 even though I slept at least another 4 hours after I forced myself out of bed at 12 pm. You do the math. It isn't great.