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The waves of #BPD #Generlizedanxiety #severdepression

I need to start writing here when I'm having good days, not just bad ones
I have experienced so much abandonment this year, after my stay in the mental hospital, it feels traumatic.
I was FINALLY HAPPY BEING THERE... I felt ME. like they got me. Knew me. I had answers... now I feel guilt for feeling that... my husband expresses pain and hurt about that( a year ago I was there). I feel like I cant be me.
I feel worthless. Taking up valuable air that someone else better could be breathing. No purpose. .. . Waist of space.
I was PRETENDING for years.... " WHY CANT YOU BE THE HAPPY YOU BEFORE PONOKA" "they made you this way" .... "you were happy and healthy before panok, now you're depressed all the time, " " maybe you're the reason why no one is your friend anymore"....
Now I question. Im I making this up in my head?? Am I just feeding the evil in me??? Am I just being lazy?? Why could I do all these things before and now the things that once brought me joy 2 years ago bring me pain, exhauste me, give me anxiety and panic attacks????
#PanicAttacks #AnorexiaNervosa #mother #wife #Hereiam #whoami #willthisend #covid2021 #Bulimia #alone #imhere


Generally crabby rant #Vent #Cranky #tired #Parenting #wife #Caregiver #cowdens #managemyhealth

I have like the twelve millionth UTI of my life. I feel horrible, exhausted, nauseous and generally gross. The reality is the show must go on.. I need to care for my family, cook, clean and be a spouse if you catch my drift... and my job.. sigh.. I love what I do I detest the rotten ingrates I do it for... I’m depleted and run down and stressed beyond belief and did I mention I feel lousy. Lousy. Lousy. Thanks for listening #Chat #Vent #listen


Not Me

I've had #Depression since I was 14, at least. Along with a severe anxiety issues.
I always managed to mask or fake it until I made it to be "me". People said that when they thought of me they thought of rainbow glitter unicorns. I was proud of that. I had an issue with alcohol and used it as a social lubricant. I was constantly crashing and ending up in crisis, but I had core things that made me me.
18 months #SOBER . I was a huge reader. I was outgoing. I loved cooking. I made a huge effort to be around friends.
I finally got put on meds that worked and it was amazing for about 5 months. I hadn't ever felt that good as far as I could remember. I got my first ever full time job and a lot of good things were happening, but the meds started to become less effective and working 40 hours a week wasn't manageable. Started feeling alot better in December/January again. Got really sick with Mono And Strep Throat£. Missed a month and a half of work. Went back for about a month before Covid shut it all down.

The major point is that I dont feel that spark in me anymore and haven't since April. I'm not reading. I'm not cooking. I'm sleeping all of the time. If I laugh it is more of a chuckle and doesn't actually make me feel any better. I cry constantly. Covid has isolated me even more than I was. My house is trashed. Not doing any of my signature planning. #TheHappyPlanner I'm not journaling.
I just can't. Eating, brushing my teeth, and wearing pants hardly ever all happen in the same day. I could just stare at a wall l day.
I feel dead inside with waves of sadness and anxiety that are so intense I have to hide so I don't go crazy. Thanks, #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
I'm not being a good #mom or #wife and I'm not pulling my weight.

I'm not me anymore and I don't even feel it deep down anymore. I'm losing confidence that those parts of me even exist. I can still fake it for short periods of time, but then I'm useless for days.

I'm #safe I'm not going to hurt anyone or myself, or relapse.

I just started a new med, #cymbalta and am in the process of getting an appointment with a neurologist because of different issues and possibly a Neuropsychologist. My Mom had MS. Neurologists scare me.

Welp. Im gonna go back to watching #Cat videos so that I can stay awake until at least 8:30 even though I slept at least another 4 hours after I forced myself out of bed at 12 pm. You do the math. It isn't great.


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Newbie Named Mandi

I was actually told about this site by my therapist and it took a while to get it and then even longer to say anything. Im a 34 year old #mom #wife #MotherlessDaughter (thanks to suicide in 2003)
#cancersurvivor...and I also walk around with a face that says everything os A-Ok when I feel like Im falling apart. Thanks to the #BreastCancer. I had a double mastectomy and began Chemo and radiation and started the reconstruction process...I have had 12 operations due to complications with my body and not handling the surgeries well rejecting an implant 4 times, a major severe infection and so much more. I had said to every Dr I saw, that I was very scared of becoming addicted to the pain meds because addiction is on both sides od my family (its why my mom killed herself) anand they all PROMISED if it happens they will all be there.....it happened and NO ONE F*ING CARED. I became suicidal, tore my family completely apart and became someone I hated. I turned to a close family friend, *my moms best friend*who was is recovery and she turned her back on me. Eventually I hated myseld enough and I knew I didnt want to be this person anymore and I put myself into a recovery program and can now say Im getting back to my old self again, but I struggle everyday and its not wanting to pop pills or relapse its just depression & anxiety 24-7. My 93 year old grandma is my rock, my "mom", "my safeplace" is now on hospice with cancer EVERYWHERE. Everytime I see her I struggle because I dont want to live my life without her in it. Im so scared of losing the ONE person who truly knows and gets me. Watching her slowly die is so much harder than the way my Mom went. I am feeling so overwhelmed, sad, scared, alone, angry....so many different feelings and yet no one around me truly understands...Not even my Husband. I do t want to feel these feelings anymore...I want to be happy again but I have no idea how to get there again. I dont want to my gramz to die but I also dont want her to suffer....Im just numb & scared and I feel broken.
I just want to find some friends who TRULY understand how I feel and not just have the "get over it" attitude. Sorry for the word vomit, but hey I guess this would be the best place for it right??!?!?!


How does your Girlfriend/Boyfriend Husband or Wife etc help when you have a Panic attack or Anxiety attack?

Hello :) just out of curiosity for those in relationships are you comfortable with sharing your mental health struggles with them? Do you hide it? Or are they sweet and have done something to help you de-escalate from a severe panic/anxiety attack before, an ex or someone you are currently with that made you appreciate their help.🙂💕😇. I get really anxious in relationships 😐and so I prefer to stay single. But I find it so touching and sweet when you find someone to be 100% comfortable with and they help you cope sometimes. Married couples or people dating what has been your experience? #Anxiety #AnxietyAttacks #Dating #DatingWithAChronicIllness #help #couples #Love #Partners #husband #wife #Girlfriend #Boyfriend #LGBTQ


#BPD #Bipolar2 #wife

In about 8 hours my Amazing Wife is leaving to spend 8 glorious days with her Mom in Frorida.😎 It is always good for Tams to do this once, maybe twice a year; it's a well earned vacation away from all the countless daily battles, at least try to. I'm going to remain positive while she is away knowing she is safe, of course I'll be waiting with phone close in case she needs our conversations to help her avoid a manic attack, or anxieties that could be triggered from someone or something around her. She is the Love of my life, she has a mental illness,we fight together to make it better, there is hope with Loving a Woman who suffers from #BPD #Bipolar2 #PTSD # #DepressionAdhd #General Anxiety. Once we started to understand what was happening just under 5 years now, she dug in and reasearched everything there was to know, and with both of us going through therapy to understand all of its glory, we found a way to work with each other to make daily living a little easier. Thank you for listening. Steve


I’m so so sad #Anxiety #sad #wife

I’m new here. I had a heart attack 4.5 yrs ago and I went into a deep depression afterward. I slowly stared feeling a little better, but not by much. In the last 3 weeks I ve fallen back into severe anxiety and depression, even worse than the first time. I had a doctors appt later today. I’m so scared my wife will leave me. She’s tired of me and all my meds, and all the doctors over the years. She’s a beautiful young women and men fine her very attractive. They flirt with her, and she welcomes it. I’m so sad inside and my heart is broken. I can’t stop thinking about her with other men. I have horrible images of her sexually with other men and I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t sleep much. Maybe 3 or 4 hrs a night now, but when I open my eyes my mind goes straight to her and these thoughts all day long. I’m so tired. I’m just burnt out over this. The medication isn’t helping me. My doctor has changed so many times over the years. In afraid my wife made a mistake marrying me and could have had one of these tall handsome men. I’m 54 yrs, just a 5’8’ broken down guy with a big nose. I’m so sad inside, my heart is just breaking. I love her. I’ve asked her, she says she loves me, but I don’t believe the attraction is there anymore. I’m more of a child now than a man. I have no confidence. Not like these guys hitting on her. She smiles when they do and she looks so happy. She doesn’t smile like that wth me anymore.
Anyway, I’m just rambling on. Sorry everyone. I feel so empty and I just want 5his feeling to go away. I feel like I’m going nuts. I wish my my would just love me like before, but I’m afraid those days are gone forever. I’m just a nuisance now and she doesn’t want to leave me while I’m in this depression. My heart is broken.

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Remembering My Mom One Year Later #Grief #Anxiety

Remembering my Mom on the first anniversary of going to Heaven. She died at 11:11 a.m. on May 15, 2018.💔

She lived an extraordinary life. Mom and Dad were married 53.5 years when he passed away in 2005. She was Mom to 7 kids, Nana to 15 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren.

She was a loving wife, awesome Mom, fabulous cook and very devoted to her Catholic faith.

Our world will never be the same without her in it. I miss her every day and pray for her soul but also take comfort in that she’s together with my Dad and sister Sue rejoicing in Heaven.

A beautiful soul gone but will NEVER be forgotten!💔