I sit here unable to leave my house, even more unable to leave my room because I am stuck living with my father. Who is only comparable to Donald Trump and OJ Simpson. Not kidding. On top of that he is smelly and nasty, abusive, and evil. So even if he is out gambling most of the day, I am scared to leave my room since I live in this tiny apartment with him, and I don’t want to run into him. We don’t talk, but I can’t even look at him.

So I sit in my room, having watched literally everything there is to watch on Netflix and Hulu to distract myself. I search for anything to hold my attention, but something triggers me and I flash back to a traumatic moment in my life, I start to realize I can’t breathe. I grab at my heart, though I don’t know why because it’s from the inside, but for some reason grabbing my heart and rocking back and forth is what I do. And the anxiety grows, but it’s more of a deep grief than anxiety. My brain screams, I close my eyes and rock faster grabbing at my forehead, or hitting my hand steadily against my head to maybe get my mind off the drowning that is currently happening. Again I calm myself and yell to myself to pay attention to what’s on the tv!

I start to fade back into the tv, and away from my mind. I refuse to notice what is happening in my body at this point, because if I notice then it will happen all over again. Minutes go by and I can feel my mind going back to either the same memory, or another one that is worse. And I keep screaming at myself in my head to not remember, I fade more into the TV, but can still feel myself there. I fight with everything I have against my brain. Usually the most this goes on is for 20 minutes, before it literally starts all over again, literally hell on a loop. And I don’t know how to stop it.

Nothing I’ve ever tried before helps. And I have tried everything.

#PTSD #MentalIllness #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #Trauma #Bipolar #severeanxiety #Disorder #MeToo #traumaticevents #nocontrol