Every time I begin to start typing out hashtags for diagnoses I stop. I have too many to keep up with yet I haven’t even talked about most of them. All I know is all of the letters confused me. I have cptafbendadhocdocdocd 😄
Today I’m in a #fibroflare after an intense week of breakdowns and breakthroughs. I’m in the process of healing my inner child and reparenting myself. All while trying to understand this new diagnosis of #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #CPTSD #severeanxiety and some strange neurological thing happening. Brain scan clear. And many more hashtags to come.
I had therapy and PT today. I also made myself go outside today and go for a solo Vespa ride. We just got one so I could learn how to drive one. When/If we ever go back to Italy or Thailand. I’ve been terrified my entire life. My husband who I’ve been with for 20 years, is helping me learn new things.
He doesn’t speak my medical language or emotional language either. So I literally have only a few people I can talk to. And even then, I don’t tell them everything because it’s SOOOOO much. I’m getting no where with therapist because I don’t feel like she’s on the same page as me. I mean I don’t know what page I’m in even.
I’m attempting to be a writer. I mean, I am a writer. I just keep everything to myself. Because of my #ADD OR #ADHD I have no idea which one. I can’t comprehend things at times. So because of inability to keep focus, I have multiple stories started. Then I fizzle out. Anyhoo, 41, I love music and dancing when I can. I try to steeech daily. But when I’m in the thick of a flare, I can’t even move. It’s all I can do to get myself into the shower or to lay on the floor because that helps more than anything.
Everything just feels heavy. Trying to figure out who I am and why I tick the way I do. It’s exhausting and I just don’t want to do this anymore. Not that I want to quit all together. I just feel that I need a break. But how can I tell my brain to just stop for a week. Let me go on a sabbatical or something. I don’t know why I’m ruminating on everything and can’t just be free of thought. The curse of a writer who can’t stop thinking long enough to write? Sounds about right.
Maybe I should start a group for writers who just need a place to vent their thoughts out so that we can release the block? Or maybe there already is one.
I know this is apart of the process. Learning what I’m grieving. Learning how to love myself and give myself some compassion. To be gentle. To be kind. But I’m throwing a HUGE BUT out there. But I don’t want to have to do that. I just would really love to wake up and not think about thinking. To not think about pain. To not think about healing and to be healed. I’m tired and exhausted of the pain and of the healing. I don’t even know what I’m saying r why I am. It’s just the automatic writing that happens. I’m not going to edit this so if there’s a ton of typos, so be it! I think most can figure it out. Thanks for reading