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A Path to a Better Self?

Please close your eyes and picture this.
It is a cool November day and you are waiting for a call that can give you the hope you so desperately need right now. A call you have waited for previously that has contributed to years of traumatic roller coaster emotions and constant butterflies fluttering in your stomach and mind.
The person on the line can give you the time and the peace of mind to make life changing decisions for yourself and your family.
The phone rings and as you answer you are trying to think positively, staying optimistic but at the same time you feel dread, hopelessness and fear. You are already exhausted when you say hello.
The voice you are expecting speaks and tells you that they are recording the conversation for quality and training purposes. You agree and wait for the words that can change your current way of life. Your heart is beating, your mind swirling and tears are at the edge of your eyes waiting for the information.
The answer you have been waiting weeks for is “you have been denied.”
Your heart sinks, you can’t breathe, your throat tightens and tears flush down your face.
How can this be? You are supposed to help, aren’t you?
Why do I have to prove myself again and again?
I want to scream and swear at you. Even though you are just doing your job I hate you, I want you to just understand what I am feeling, the constant pain, the anxiety, the sadness, the desperation and the feeling that I am doing everything wrong everyday.
You don’t care, this saves you money and when you hang up your life has not changed at all.
When I hang up my already exhausting and confusing life has just gotten turned upside down.
How do you prove an invisible illness that effects your everyday life? Your family? Your job?
The word “denied” spoken with ease from those unaffected is forcing you to possibly live a life that you weren’t expecting.
A path that once brought you satisfaction and purpose is now filled with stress and uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. An uncertainty that is no longer in your best interest. Too many factors out of your control, too many lives affected by your long and winding road of healing
Going backward is not an option and as much as you hate that person that left you stuck and feeling lost. The decision has to be made, change your path or redecorate the one you are on.
I obviously do not know what the future holds but I know I am grateful for my family, photography, warm hugs, red pandas and my favourite tea cup.
Just looking for some ᴊᴏʏ & ᴘᴇᴀᴄᴇ on the new path
I am hoping to take.
#Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #Depression #longtermdisability #HealthInsurance #Insurance #denied #Newstart #exhusted #tears #sad #MentalHealth #Emotion #PanicAttacks #hopeless #nocontrol #ChronicPain


My anxiety and depression are suffocating me.

Soooo long story kinda short…
3 years ago me and my boyfriend started dating … he started cheating on me (virtually, messaging females) I always felt it but assumed it was my insecurities and my dpression and anxiety a giving up… a year later he goes to jail and i find everything on his phone (messages and pictures) he now is different although my PTSD and insecurities and anxiety will convince me other ways sometimes… where it gets tough is I wasn’t always the nicest to him … sometimes my emotions get to me, I get too overwhelmed and have a melt down and start tossing shit and don’t care about anything or anyone I just want to feel rested and “at home” (something I’ve said since a kid and honestly feel like it’s so sort of home sick … like my soul no longer wants to be in this body….) …

Well around the time he came back home from jail March of 2020 we find out he has stage 3 cancer…. for some reason it wasn’t enough to lift the resentment I had towards him … now me and him and living together as of a month ago … things are slightly swell one bad melt down yesterday where I accidentally hurt him and then made me even break down even more because he doesn’t deserve this right now or at all but he doesn’t want to leave my side even if it means him being stressed.

I truly do love him… I’m praying and begging God at this point to have mercy because I can’t lose him, his kids can’t lose him, my kid can’t lose him…
Please guys pray with me please I can’t stop crying … I’m trying to be positive for him but I’m scared… have no one to run to … unemployed so can’t pay for Copay for therapy .

Head high & tears back…
Lord knows I can’t take any more pain…. I’m tired… 23 living the life of a 45 year old …


#Anxiety #FuckCancer #Depression #prayingforamiracle #Guilt #nocontrol



I get to a point when my anxiety is ruling me that I no longer feel hunger just sickness. The thought of food, the smell of food it all makes me gag and I could go days without eating till the anxiety has subsided. I wake up in the night dry heaving coz it’s causing me to have another panic attack. I go to work and can’t control my tears when people ask me if I’m okay, they don’t understand. What would be a minor thing to them is massive to me yet I know deep down I’m being silly. Why can I not control my own mind and my emotions? #Lostinmyhead #Emotions #Anxiety #PanicAttack #Hunger #noappetite #Sickness #nocontrol


A helpless helper

But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
Matthew 19:26

It took me 8 years to get my master's degree and my professional license. I worked for 8 years in my field. I was at work one day and then not. I found myself applying for FMLA and when the 6 weeks that were approved were over I quit. Eight years of my life, work, heartache, and money down the drain. That sure made my depression worse.

Here I am over eight months later. I had my counseling session yesterday. My therapist made the comment that a helper has to accept their helplessness. I'm a trained and licensed helper. It goes against my very nature to accept the fact that I can't help everyone. But to be able to help others I must accept that I can't help everyone. I'm not sure I can do that. How does a helper accept that they can't help everyone?

#Depression #helpingothers #nocontrol #TheBible #Godisincontrol #helplessness

1 comment

I. can’t. breathe.

I sit here unable to leave my house, even more unable to leave my room because I am stuck living with my father. Who is only comparable to Donald Trump and OJ Simpson. Not kidding. On top of that he is smelly and nasty, abusive, and evil. So even if he is out gambling most of the day, I am scared to leave my room since I live in this tiny apartment with him, and I don’t want to run into him. We don’t talk, but I can’t even look at him.

So I sit in my room, having watched literally everything there is to watch on Netflix and Hulu to distract myself. I search for anything to hold my attention, but something triggers me and I flash back to a traumatic moment in my life, I start to realize I can’t breathe. I grab at my heart, though I don’t know why because it’s from the inside, but for some reason grabbing my heart and rocking back and forth is what I do. And the anxiety grows, but it’s more of a deep grief than anxiety. My brain screams, I close my eyes and rock faster grabbing at my forehead, or hitting my hand steadily against my head to maybe get my mind off the drowning that is currently happening. Again I calm myself and yell to myself to pay attention to what’s on the tv!

I start to fade back into the tv, and away from my mind. I refuse to notice what is happening in my body at this point, because if I notice then it will happen all over again. Minutes go by and I can feel my mind going back to either the same memory, or another one that is worse. And I keep screaming at myself in my head to not remember, I fade more into the TV, but can still feel myself there. I fight with everything I have against my brain. Usually the most this goes on is for 20 minutes, before it literally starts all over again, literally hell on a loop. And I don’t know how to stop it.

Nothing I’ve ever tried before helps. And I have tried everything.

#PTSD #MentalIllness #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #Trauma #Bipolar #severeanxiety #Disorder #MeToo #traumaticevents #nocontrol